APhxRisingfromtheAshes's blog: "Heart in Jeopardy"

Hello my love,

I don't know why, but I've always been better at expressing myself on paper, than I ever was verbally.

I keep reviewing your email from Friday, especially in my head. The words haunt me. I cried myself to sleep Friday, and it was all I could do to get through the weekend without tears falling, several times I failed. My heart was lacerated by your words. I can understand the guilt you might feel over your family. I'm sure that if the roles were reversed I would too. I know you don't want to hurt me, but unfortunately, it's too late for me not to be hurt. I'm not saying this to pass along more guilt or any blame, it's just a statement of fact. My heart is too involved at this point for what you said not to have hurt, even though you did assure me that it wasn't that you didn't want to see my any more, but you just needed to step back and gain some perspective. Please don't think that I don't understand where you're coming from, I do. I can understand the need to step back and get a little perspecticve, I should probably take this time to do so myself. I just have to get past the pain and tears that keep my heart flooded, and then perhaps I can get to that point.

I had to get it out, I had to speak about it, so I went to the one person I thought would understand, my best friend. I went and spent the night with her on Saturday, and we talk about this and we talked about that, and we discussed our respective situations. She is in a similar kind of relationship, and has been for quite a few years, so of anyone I know, I knew she would understand the best. Her advice to me was to take this time to get some perspective and to find a way to guard my heart from any future pain that may ensue from here on out. Like I said, she's in a similar situation so she knows.

I don't know why you have quite this affect on me. I've NEVER been drawn to someone so quickly, so completely and I've never fallen so hard or so fast. I think it's due, in part, to that feeling that I've known you all my life. Like you are the missing piece, and when we met, it was like it (you) fit, and there was this "click", like something falling into place. The last two weeks have been torture. I feel the pain each day, and being away from you, hasn't helped, especially since I hear from you less and less on instand messaging. I know this may be due in part to the children, and needing to help with homework, etc. But the pain in my heart is still there, it still hurts, and it still feels like it bleeds.  And once again I have that overwhelming feeling like I'm alone once again, that there ISN'T anyone out there for me, that I'm not good enough, not important enough, just NOT ENOUGH for anyone to love. I'm sure you never intended to make me feel like this, but the feeling is there anyways, and that is on me.

You also said that you'll never be able to provide me with a normal life. I'm always hopeful that this won't be the case. I don't want to take you from your children, never think that, and I can understand the bond you have with them. I've wanted children since I was a young girl, but apparently that wasn't in the cards for me, not and they be mine biologically. I do want to be in your life, in whatever capacity that you allow. Would I like for it to be in a larger role than it is now? Hell yes! I would LOVE to be the one that makes you complete. The one that brings love, joy, contentment, and happiness to your life. But that decision isn't in my hands, that's one that has to be made by you. I don't want you to be in a loveless relationship for the rest of your life, I want to be the one to replace that with abundant love, but that is my dream, and may not be yours.

You said that you wanted to find love, well it's here sweetheart, yours for the asking.

I'll be gone for over a week, not getting back home until late on Monday, September 6th. Perhaps, in that lonely time away, I'll gain a little perspective myself, while I'm away from the heartache, in the midst of all that family. This ache must abate, or I'll go insane from the pain. I need you, love, more than you can possibly know. I need to see you, I need to hold you. I need your touch, I need your words, and the taste of your kisses. For all it's worth, you complete me in ways I never knew, or ever hoped for, and I don't want to lose that, or you.

As with most everything I write, this will probably go unviewed and unread. It's more for my benefit anyways. A healing I hope. Something to ease the pain of separation. It was something that was clogging my heart and mind, and now perhaps, I can finally start to heal.

Rejection

Shattered my heart,

I fell.

 

Shards

Pierced my soul,

I screamed.

 

Grief

Filled my body,

I shuddered.

 

Tears

Rolled down my face,

I wept.

Why does it seem that no one gives a shit,

That no one would care

If I broke down and cried,

Whether my heart shattered

Whether I lived or died?

 

Why do I feel like a speck of dust

That you could just wipe away without thought,

Like I'm a star that faded from the sky,

Twinkled out into nothingness,

Not even a memory of my passing by?

 

Why do I feel like a candle in the wind,

And all that's left is the smoke,

Not even a flame to show that I was ever here,

Gone without even a care?

 

You took my voice

My song is sung

My Eyes are closed

My race is run.

 

 

 

I feel like I should be singing the Britney Spear's Song "Oops I did it again". I can just see the question in your eyes, inquiring as to what it is I have done again. Well as usual it involves my heart and becoming attached to someone. I think that the "let's just be friends" gene wasn't included in my basic genetic makeup. You ask me what I mean.... Okay, I'll tell you. I've met someone online, and we've met in person, and we seem to get along real well. I was trying to keep it strictly friends, friends with benefits, or something like that. But then my heart steps in and tries to take over, and feelings that I was trying to control and keep under wraps, start to emerge. I don't know how to control them, or stop them from growing. I think of him all the time. Wonder what he's doing and how's doing, if he's thinking of me too. I want to spend time with him, even it it's just cuddling up on the sofa watching movies and drinking tea, or being more intimate. It's not just the intimacy I crave, it's time with him that I want. But I'm afraid you see. Afraid of what you ask? Afraid of getting hurt again.... Afraid of putting my heart on the line. Afraid to say, "hey, I care about you", afraid that he doesn't feel the same. Afraid that finding out that I have feelings for him will sending him running scared. Just flat out afraid. Should I say something and risk him running scared? Should I say something and risk getting hurt again? Or should I just let things move along as they are an hope that he makes the first move? So afraid to fall in love....