APhxRisingfromtheAshes's blog: "Fear"

Have you had a friend, especially a friend with benefits? How do you tell them things? Personal things, or even things that you're afraid to bring up? Do you get anxiety attacks? Do your nerves freeze up in fear? Does you stomach tighten and hurt? Mine does.

How do you go from FWB, to something else, something more, something deeper, especially when you're afraid to speak your mind. Not that you are afraid of your friend, not by any means, but afraid of the consequence if what you say is taken wrong, or they can't or won't, feel the same way. I get attached to people, perhaps I open my heart too easily, but there it is. You're afraid to change the status quo because a) you don't know how to tell them that you'd be willing to be more (if that is how your friendship grows) or b) because they will take it wrong and walk away (just like everyone else has)

I'm tired of the 'fly by night guys', I want someone more steady, someone that wants to be with me, and not just for the sex, but because they enjoy me. Enjoy my company, enjoy spending time with me, enjoy those quiet times, those wild times, those every day times.  

But how to you get to that point so that it doesn't destroy who you are? I know what it's like to put myself on that "chopping block" and having everything fall apart because you're not really anything but a convenience for them, but your feelings go deeper.

A person could go crazy thinking about these things.

Perhaps I should just let life be life, and let the 'chips fall where they may', and take it as it comes. If it happens, it happens, if it doesn't.... let's pray that no one gets hurt this time. 

I now know what true fear is; it's the terror of knowing that you may have the early stages of cervical cancer. As a woman of over 40, I am required to get a yearly physical (you know what I mean ladies), which I did in October. I got a call a few weeks later letting me know that I needed to have additional tests due to some abnormal results. They did schedule a Colposcopy for me, which I was suppose to have done today. Due to the unavoidable delivery of a baby, the OB/GYN was not available to perform the test, therefore I had to reschedule. I was a little upset at having to drive 45 mins to get to the doctor's ofc, having to take off 3 hours early from work, only to arrive and be told that I'd have to reschedule. Thinking that perhaps the test was unneccessary I called back to cancel the rescheduled appointment. Much to my dismay, I was then informed that I couldn't cancel the appointment, it HAD to be done. I found out today that my test didn't just come back as "abnormal", but it came back as a stage 1 for possible cervical cancer. The test is to determine if there is any need to worry about whether they caught it early enough or if I'll have to go through additional tests or procedures to try and rid my body of the cancer. As if things in my life weren't difficult enough, something like this comes along and scares the F**K out of me. Seriously scared....