APhxRisingfromtheAshes's blog: "Fool Me Once.... Shame on You!"

For a moment I forgot myself and thought I was important. Please forgive my impertinence as I go back to being insignificant.

I guess thats why the call it the blues I sit here, Trembling hands huddled over the keyboard, Trying to take the words out of my head, And let them run free right here on this page. My stomach is in knots, I'm dizzy with nerves and fear. Why am I here, Oh why am I here? A colored fog in the distance, Shading the light I see, It blinds me Causing me to stumble, Stumble, Stumble. I'm searching for the answers, Trying to find the truth, Hoping for a some kind of guide To lead me to it. I stumble, Stumble, Stumble. I've heard that love will supply the answers, To most of life's questions, But all I've seemed to find Is just more questions. Why does it hurt, When the phone doesn't ring? Why is the pain so intense, When I can't hear you say my name? Why is the darkness, Never this dark when you are near? Why do I always pray That you were here? Why can't I find a medium ground, On which to stand, When all that is below me, Is shifting sand. Why is it my thoughts Always of you? Why is it that I'm afraid That the love is not true? Why does my heart Feel like a darker shade of blue? And I stumble, Stumble, Stumble. Falling into you.

I'm not sure how many of the ladies out there have noticed this, but I wanted to share a bit of something that I myself have realized recently. I've been meeting people online for a couple of years now, some I've met in person, while others prefer to just 'visit' online. Which is the reason for my blog. For centuries there has been an issue with men calling women "cock teases" when the woman doesn't "put out" at the specified time that the man thinks it is appropriate for the woman to do so. And I say, time to take your turn at the plate boys, because from where I'm standing, the roles are definitely reversed. I've met several men online, big and tall, short and fat, young and older, and they all feel that they have something special for the ladies. Promises are made, and assurances are given, yet nothing comes to fruition. There are emails, and texts, instant messages and phone calls, all about the same thing, wanting the same thing, assurances that only "they" can give you what you truly need, or desire. And then nothing! I don't know about you, but I think us ladies need to hear a little less talk, and a lot more action. I get compliments that I'm beautiful, sexy, cute, so on and so forth, and comments of how this person or that person would like to meet me, but that all important question is never asked; "Would you like to meet with me?" You get requests for conversations, and visits via cam, but is that all this is about, giving someone a quick thrill and spill, while we sit at home and chill? So I think you can see why I believe that the shoe is now on the other foot, that men have turned into the proverbial "cock tease", making promises and assurances, and even guarantees, but it just doesn't go anywhere, and nothing ever get delivered. Is it too much to ask for, to have someone stand up and say "I want to meet you", and actually fulfill that promise? Whether it be a coffee at the local Starbucks, a drink at the local watering hole, a dinner at a nice restaurant, or a picnic in the park. It would be nice to actually have someone take some affirmative action, instead of being left at home and treated like one of those peep show girls. ***STEPS OFF THE SOAPBOX*** Just my POV....

Relationship 2- Me 0 Why are relationships so very difficult? I think this may be the question of the ages *sigh* You find someone that takes an interest in you, and you take an interest back, you think things are going grand and then the brakes come on! Perhaps I expect too much, I don't know. I don't want to be someones part time girl (friend/lover/significant other)available only on their terms, and at their convenience. That's not what relationships are about, or at least that what I was raised to believe, but it doesn't seem to really work that way, not from my experience. I'm not a collectible Barbie doll, too expensive to be taken off the shelf and played with just in case it breaks. I'm a real live person, just waiting for the right person to come along and pull me off the shelf I'm languishing on, and play with me.

Relationships are HELL!!! Why do we try when our hearts are just going to be trampled and shredded?

I forgot myself for a just a moment; Forgot who I really was. Forgot that someone like you, Couldn't really be interested, In someone like me. Forgot the past Forgot all the previous hurts. I forgot, When I should have remembered. Thank you, For opening old wounds. Thank you, For reviving old hurts. Thank you, For reminding me, Of who I really am. I should have made a pledge, I should have taken a vow. I Should have wrote it on a sticky note And stuck it on the wall. I should have tattooed it on myself, Where I'd never fail to view it. I should have done this and more, So I wouldn't forget you see, Should have taken it to heart, So the hurt wouldn't even phase me. I forgot myself For just a brief moment.

Is it just me, or do we all get to the point where we wonder, why try? Is is just me, or do we get to the point where we expect the failure, rather than the success? That when something good happens it's the the exception and not the rule? Do you put your heart, and your trust, in someone only to have them smash it to pieces, without a clue as to what they have done. You try to take all the right precautions not to get hurt, but still the pain comes, and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. You hope that 'this one' might see how special you really are, and want to get to know you better, rather than kicking you to the curb as if you were just so much garbage. You just get to the point that you look in trepidation at each new person that takes an interest, just knowing that somewhere somehow that person is going to hurt you. Dating, and hooking up, becomes a terrifying prospect at this point.

There is two types of pain in the world. The type that is good, when agreed upon by consensual adults, and the kind that involves emotional hurt. Now you can fool me once, and cause me pain, but don't think to fool me twice. I might enjoy a little pain with my sex, but I certainly don't enjoy emotional hurt. So, if your intention is to come here, play with my emotions and hurt me, whether intentional, or unintentional, please just see your way to the 'door'. Because although I like a little pain, I don't like to be hurt. It's happened too many times by too many people, that must be thinking that because I'm big, I can't be hurt. When in fact, it's just the opposite! You endure it so often, but so many different people, whether they did it intentionally or not, that you come to a point that you just want to stop trying. You want to find a quiet, deserted island. You want to live there away from all the destructive forces of love. Away from all the potential hurt and heartache, away from it all. So, be forewarned, I don't mind being friends, I don't mind being more than friends, but don't think to play with my emotions so that you can see what kind of reaction you'll get, you just might not like what happens. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and it's shame on me. I have a tendency not to let people fool me twice, because I DON'T enjoy the pain. *steps off soap box*