Iron Butterfly's blog: "Life"

I feel so damned trapped anymore. I don't love my husband. I haven't for a long time. I figured that out while I was still pregnant for our daughter and he was like " i want a paternity test". I hadnt ever cheated on him when he asked that. I hadnt even thought of it, but still knew I didnt love him but stayed for our daughter. Thats why I have stayed. Thats why when I've left I came back because she was screaming for her dad.

but he's manipulative, possessive, controlling, jealous. Hell I cant even go 1 day without him saying "so who'd u fuck at work today". Until a recently (he still doesnt know) I had never cheated on him. But I finaly did it. Hell I'm tired of feeling like a dead fish on the bed. He doesnt do it for me. Hasnt for at least almost 4 years. And I know now because it didnt bother me or make me feel guilty that I dont love him and I want out. But yet I still friggin feel trapped.

and on the possessive/jealous stuff. Get this. we went out 2 weekends ago. A guy I knew from the bar we went to (my old hang out) and his buddy were up by the bar when i went to get butthead a beer and me a pop (I was the DD..as always). When I went to go back to the table, my friend and his buddy were like " dont let her through" and laughing and said "We're just fuckin with ya " and all and I laughed went back to the table. Hubby was about to go after them and his buddy had to pull him back down in his seat. I was asked who that guy was, how many times had I fucked him and same with the other one. After that if I would look around he'd get pissed and accuse me of lookin at the guys again. I had to practicaly sit and stare at the table to avoid a fight!!! Plus he swears up and down I want to screw his buddies.

After 6 years of being with him, 5 bein married to him I'm tired of it. I amd So TIRED of being treated like a piece of no good garbage. Yeah my recent indescretion does not make me the best person, but he's 10 times worse than me. If he was such a caring loving individual I would never have wanted someone else right? I just wish I could get out of this feeling of being trapped and get the hell away. I know I can go to my parents temporarily til I can get my own place. Not my favorite place bein i'm used to bein on myown, but I know i could til i could be out on my own with my daughter.

maybe its the fact that i know the past stuff he has pull and he's crazy enough to give me a fight over my daughter. Scares me knowing , especialy from ppl who know him, what he's capable of. I know there are things as restraining orders and such, but it also aggravates me knowing how much I'll hurt my daughter too who's use to seeing her daddy 24/7. He watches her while i work, she acts like him and mimics everything he does. If he's rubbing snuff, she acts like she is too,etc. Daddy's sidekick. And I still want him to see her, but I'm scared of hurting/damaging her with a break up with him, but at the same time scared of hurting/damaging her by staying.

UGH So friggin confused on what to do and when to do it. I hate to do it now with it bein so close to Christmas..so I'm tryin to get pass that.....Just scared and for some reason feeling trapped..........ugh! I hate life...why cant it be easier to make decisions?