Ok I guess this is one of the best ways to try to put my thoughts together. Right now it's 10:12am. So anyway, I'll just keep typing until I get interrupted.
It just sucks being in the situation I'm in and I wouldn't want anyone to be in my shoes right now. Ok so the shoes I'm wearing are way too cute, but you know what I mean. I had to throw it in there.
It's hard to deal with the problems I have been dealing with day in and day out. It's not like I want to, but it keeps me going. I don't like being involved in other people's problems and other people's drama, but for whatever, it still finds me.
I don't know what do to anymore. Seriously. It eats me up on the inside and it's not fair that I try to put myself 1st but there are others who make it known that it's really not going to happen.
I mean think about it, I am not materialistic. As long as I have two legs to walk with, two hands to work with, my sight to see and observe, my ears to listen and hear, my brain to think, and my heart to feel, sometimes it feels like I'm invisible. I mean I know I'm not invisible, but it's hard to actually say how I feel.
I don't want to jump into a relationship b/c there are so many loose ends. Granted, they're not my loose ends, but still somehow, they're still there no matter what... like if they're implanted or something. You know like if someone inserted a chip of sorts, if I'm making any sense at all. Most people wouldn't know what goes on in my mind, and frankly, even sometimes I don't know why things happen like that. I am not looking to be loved, though I deserve to be loved and that's the funny part. Most people look for it, and in a way I sort of am, but not for the reasons everyone else does. I just want to be cared for and loved and protected. It's really not too much to ask.
I know I've made lots of mistakes, but nothing major. I have learned what to do and what not to do, but I still somehow find myself doing something I told myself I wouldn't. I think I should keep fighting for what I believe in, and I know/believe I will make it far.
I put all my finances together and while being at this job is ok, I know I could and can make much much more. It's not about the money situation, I mean it is, but it doesn't phase me out to be out in the cold and with nothing at all. I've been homeless, if I haven't told you. I've been abused and mistreated. I mean both sexually, mentally, and emotionally. Physically, no! Thank goodness. Yet, I still ask myself, why am I still sane, when I feel I shouldn't be, at least by society's standards to make it clear. I just feel like I'm better thant that but somehow and someway, there is always something/someone holding me back against my will, believe it or not....
I mean I know you know about my probs and stuff, and one can only understand so much, but can never fully comprehend it all, and I don't want people to be like that. In all reality, when it's broken down, it's all simple, yet, as always, it seems complicated b/c people can be shady. Everything tends to get blown out of proportion and that is what scares everyone the most. I haven't cried WOLF. I've just kept quiet, and that is what scares me more, than it scares everyone.
You don't have to reply to this because again, I think it's better for me to just write it down. I haven't lost hope of saving myself from the situation I'm in, but Im not going to involve others who dont' need to be involved and those who are involved are there b/c they somehow jumped over the barb wire and the electricity, yet those people still don't know me, and don't know who I am. IF they did, then they'd respect my space and will wait for me to come around when I feel I'm ready to come back around, and if I'm not ready, then they should be patient.
See it always goes back to analogies, but this is how I see my surroundings. Funny, yet trippy huh? It would look like I'm bashing and ranting on and on, but I'm not. I'm just trying to make sense of a situation, and trust me, if others read this, then they could say ... "Damn, I totally feel like this, wow, it's like she knows what I'm talking about!" And it doesn't go to a particular person or situation, it just is what it is! 10:24am
