Boobalicious Paper Doll's blog: "2008"

4:38pm PST We've all had our ups and downs. I know I have. Boy, if I were to take the time to give elaborate details on what I've been through especially during the 2nd half of the year, yeah you'd feel bad for me. I don't like pity, so if you felt sorry for me then you're not a good friend. I'm not going into details..... *sighs* All I know is I want to start of the new year the right way. I will say one thing though... I am not so passionate about LAW but I do for work a law firm. Don't worry... I am no where close to being a paralegal, but I am going to take a couple of legal assistant classes. If you only knew... I was slapped with a lawsuit by a jerk who had the audacity to try to rape me in his own home. I am not going to divulge into this situation as it has been explained in other blogs if you care to see and review. Then again, I haven't been paying too much attention to myself. I was in an emotional rut. I realized who my friends were and who weren't. That's life oh well. I noticed I could never keep a relationship because I was never looking for one, even though some good guys have come and gone. I haven't even found a great guy just yet, but he'll come when he wants to. It's been almost 15 months since I was single. I realized what I like and what I want out of a relationship and honestly, it's not much at all. All I want is a guy to be there for me, and for a guy to be my friend and hug me and tell me it's going to be all right. I don't think it's too much to ask. I've been hurt before and if I've hurt other guys b/c I haven't been open and honest, then be it so. Right now I could care less what they think of me, because I know I have not done anything wrong. Then again, my family has a lot to do with the drama I am living each and every freakin day. Yet at the same time, I am so glad to have a job even though it doesn't pay too much. At least for the time being a job is a job and it doesn't mean I stay home. Wait, I know I am sort of going off topic about this, but I know I'm not the only one. As I was trying to say earlier, I am going to push myself to do the things I know I am able to do. I am going to take some legal assistant classes so that I could move up within the firm I'm at. What I really want to do is finish my business prerequisites so that I could go to business school. I want to become a Financial Consultant. Yes, even with the bad economy going, this is what I strive to be. At least I have goals and I want to see to it that I do them. I am sick and tired of putting others in front of me, and have me do nothing about it. It's time I do this and finish what I started. I only took two classes this past Fall and I did well. I got an A in Macro-economics and a B in English. Oh well, bfd, a B! I know I could've had the A but my trip to San Diego to visit a certain guy really fucked me up. I mean I caught up but I fell behind with two essays, which I did half assed but oh well... different story for another day. I am slowly starting to come up in the world. I'll admit this, I'm still young. Although I didn't graduate from college/university the way I wanted to, I know that I will eventually. I want this to become a legacy of sorts for when I have children. I don't want them to go through the things I'm still going through. Ok enough ranting and raving and talking smack... if you care to read what I've been talking about, then YOU'LL read the previous entries. I'm just in an emo mood but it's not so obvious. Today I just felt like typing and that is what I've done so far until I end this right now! :) Take care..... 4:48pm

1017 am After much thought and after a conversation or two I had last night. I know my blog was depressing for those who read it. I was just feeling like that because I put myself in that situation. To be honest, it was refreshing to have someone slap me int he face with their point of views. You know, sometimes a girl needs that. I may not be expressive with words when I am in front of a person but I am expressive with my words when I do write/type them down. I had a decent conversation with a guy I consider my best friend. I knew exactly what he was thinking and what he was going to say but I guess I needed to have him tell me up front. Then about 2hrs later I received a phone call from a wonderful guy. I like him a lot. He told me how he felt when he read my blogs and also how he felt when I posted up some salutes. For that, I am sorry for not taking your thoughts into consideration. You're the one for me right now and I wouldn't want to do anything to make you think otherwise. I'm trying to get my act together only b/c it's going to be a hard thing to do. I'm going to do it though... I'm going to move out by February. I just want to make sure that at least my other car is 100% and she could do whatever she wants to do. In fact, I'll give her the pink slip to that car, while I refi my current car. That's all I have to say/type for now. Just so you know, there will be one more salute that will be posted and I hope he doesn't get upset. In fact, I hope he appreciates it b/c it's coming from me. I hope he likes it a lot, and I mean a lot. Anywho I'll be back soon... 1021am

Ok I guess this is one of the best ways to try to put my thoughts together. Right now it's 10:12am. So anyway, I'll just keep typing until I get interrupted. It just sucks being in the situation I'm in and I wouldn't want anyone to be in my shoes right now. Ok so the shoes I'm wearing are way too cute, but you know what I mean. I had to throw it in there. It's hard to deal with the problems I have been dealing with day in and day out. It's not like I want to, but it keeps me going. I don't like being involved in other people's problems and other people's drama, but for whatever, it still finds me. I don't know what do to anymore. Seriously. It eats me up on the inside and it's not fair that I try to put myself 1st but there are others who make it known that it's really not going to happen. I mean think about it, I am not materialistic. As long as I have two legs to walk with, two hands to work with, my sight to see and observe, my ears to listen and hear, my brain to think, and my heart to feel, sometimes it feels like I'm invisible. I mean I know I'm not invisible, but it's hard to actually say how I feel. I don't want to jump into a relationship b/c there are so many loose ends. Granted, they're not my loose ends, but still somehow, they're still there no matter what... like if they're implanted or something. You know like if someone inserted a chip of sorts, if I'm making any sense at all. Most people wouldn't know what goes on in my mind, and frankly, even sometimes I don't know why things happen like that. I am not looking to be loved, though I deserve to be loved and that's the funny part. Most people look for it, and in a way I sort of am, but not for the reasons everyone else does. I just want to be cared for and loved and protected. It's really not too much to ask. I know I've made lots of mistakes, but nothing major. I have learned what to do and what not to do, but I still somehow find myself doing something I told myself I wouldn't. I think I should keep fighting for what I believe in, and I know/believe I will make it far. I put all my finances together and while being at this job is ok, I know I could and can make much much more. It's not about the money situation, I mean it is, but it doesn't phase me out to be out in the cold and with nothing at all. I've been homeless, if I haven't told you. I've been abused and mistreated. I mean both sexually, mentally, and emotionally. Physically, no! Thank goodness. Yet, I still ask myself, why am I still sane, when I feel I shouldn't be, at least by society's standards to make it clear. I just feel like I'm better thant that but somehow and someway, there is always something/someone holding me back against my will, believe it or not.... I mean I know you know about my probs and stuff, and one can only understand so much, but can never fully comprehend it all, and I don't want people to be like that. In all reality, when it's broken down, it's all simple, yet, as always, it seems complicated b/c people can be shady. Everything tends to get blown out of proportion and that is what scares everyone the most. I haven't cried WOLF. I've just kept quiet, and that is what scares me more, than it scares everyone. You don't have to reply to this because again, I think it's better for me to just write it down. I haven't lost hope of saving myself from the situation I'm in, but Im not going to involve others who dont' need to be involved and those who are involved are there b/c they somehow jumped over the barb wire and the electricity, yet those people still don't know me, and don't know who I am. IF they did, then they'd respect my space and will wait for me to come around when I feel I'm ready to come back around, and if I'm not ready, then they should be patient. See it always goes back to analogies, but this is how I see my surroundings. Funny, yet trippy huh? It would look like I'm bashing and ranting on and on, but I'm not. I'm just trying to make sense of a situation, and trust me, if others read this, then they could say ... "Damn, I totally feel like this, wow, it's like she knows what I'm talking about!" And it doesn't go to a particular person or situation, it just is what it is! 10:24am

1041pm I don't know where to begin. Ok so it's been a long time since I've typed up one of my blog entries. Hmm there has been so much happening to me as of late, again I wouldn't know where to begin. I guess I am overwhelmed and have mixed feelings. I seriously have been wanting to cry, but I've held it in and it's not healthy to do it. Trust me, I know... I've been there so many times. Last Christmas was a lot better for me than this current one. Then again Christmas hasn't happened, well I guess I meant to say the holidays, per se. Sometimes, I wonder if I've done anything to harm anyone. When I look back and think and reflect upon my life, I can't find a damn thing. Maybe it's time for me to realize that I'll always be screwed in one way or another. This past year was no exception at all. I mean dude, like I said if I were to keep writing, err, I mean typing then I wouldn't know where to stop. It's just crazy. Ok so this past February was the last time I saw my ex. The last time I was with him was back in March. We got notified at work we had 60 days to look for another job. I decided I'd stay until the last day. It sort of worked out b/c that last weekend I found another job. As far as I knew, I was the only person in my company to start off that same weekend after our company closed. Then again, I also realized, if everything would've gone on as I sort of didn't plan, then I would've been due in July, but that's a different story for another time. Ok so FFWD, it's December and I've been at my job with the law firm since April. For most people it's good, wanna know why? Because I was at my previous job for 4yrs, so 8 months here is nothing, but then again I'm 4 months closer to making it 1 full year. I can't wait. Anywho, my baby brother came back in May from Ohio and ended up staying with us. Needless to say, he got in a car accident in my car back in October. I needed and wanted to get a 2nd opinion so I did and that was that. The car wasn't taken away until mid November. I barely just got my car back. I got screwed over on the deductible he was supposed to pay for but him and I worked out an agreement. So now he's paid me for at least 250. Not that bad. Ooh and did I mention the fact that the tranny to my other car, the car I bought a long time ago but was about to sell, broke?!?!?!?! What kind of shit is that? Going back a bit further, I spent a lonely b-day this past September. I realized who my real friends are and they weren't who I thought they were... That's the way life is. I mean these are people who called me 3 weeks before my bday basically at the beginning of the month and asked what I'd be doing that weekend, and told me not to make any plans and said they'd handle it. Well nothing happened. Not even a freakin call or text :( Yeah, yeah, you're probably thinking by now stop whining, or stop complaining. Maybe others might say, "Wow that's fucked up!" So lonely summer, lonely b-day, lonely October, and now lonely Thxgvg past and lonely Christmas. oh well, as I've told my close peeps, "C'est la vie!" Because it's true, That's life! Asi es la vida. Again I haven't done anything to harm anyone, yet a lot of people have brought me much pain. As most know, at least those who have kept up with my blog... I don't get along with my family. At all! I seriously don't. If you really want to know why, then you'll send me a message but frankly it's too much for me to type up at the current moment. My hands and fingers are freezing up. It's cold outside and the living room is quite cold and I get cold easily. Sad huh? I don't know what to say or think or write anymore. I need to gather my thoughts before I go to sleep. Anywho, from the bottom of my heart, I truly wish everyone a wonderful holiday season, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year with yours and your loved ones. I, too, was once merry but it's been years since I've actually celebrated the true meaning of the holidays... Let's just say 13yrs and counting... Until then folks!!! 1054pm PST

Want to meet and greet a DoLL FaCe like Me??? Just a simple lil girl like me, aka Lizzie Ok well that’s the hook. I am going to need support and volunteers for a special project in tow. Just let me know if you’re in or you’re out! That’s all! Well now’s your time. I will be travelling to the Lower 9th area of New Orleans during the month of February and will be joining a bunch of my co-workers from our Law Firm, in conjunction with The Lower Nine Organization in rebuilding New Orleans. This event will take place February 13th and February 14th!!!!! I will be there all day. ALSO YOU MUST ADD/RATE/FAN ME !!!! (just to show your support) Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, Louisiana more than three years ago, leaving communities in shambles. Residents lost their homes and other irreplaceable items, and many are still not able to return to the area. A large number of these displaced residents are now our clients. They have put their trust and hope into our firm to help rebuild everything they have lost. We now have an opportunity to help these clients by helping to rebuild their houses with our own two hands. Best of all, we will be in the city just in time to kick off Mardi Gras, as it will be the first weekend of festivities. Sounds like a plan right? click below :) SO PLEASE SHOW SOME SUPPORT AS I WILL BE FACE TO FACE WITH CLIENTS, VICTIMS, and WELL JUST ABOUT EVERYONE WHO LIVED AND SURVIVED THROUGH HURRICANE KATRINA!!!!

2:30pm Today is Monday. Yup..... I'm stuck. I've lost all thoughts. I don't know what to do. I'm talking about my homework. I was supposed to type a compare/contrast essay which was due last week. I skipped class for very personal reasons. Had I known... I would've gone to class, taken a 0 and then just left the rest of the class, or maybe just stayed there since we usually let out at 8:30pm. What am I going to do? I know what I want to write about. I drew up an outline, and it makes sense, but when I want to write about it, nothing makes sense at all. I shouldn't be in this state of mind. It's the 1st time I've seriously slacked off in a long time, and trust me, I'm not too proud of it at all. Who knows, maybe the teacher might drop a grade. So if I wrote a B paper, maybe I might get a C paper. He does not give extra credit. I know that for a fact. I don't feel like going to class for the 2nd Monday in a row. I don't feel like going to the Dodgers game either. What's up with that???? If I would've known I had an invite, I wouldn't have skipped class last Monday and I would've skipped class today. Today of all days when I am sinking into a depression again. It figures. There really isn't much to do. My journal has been helping me. I've been drawing and doodling and writing my songs in there. Someday I'll post up some samples. I have an artistic and visual side. One thing for sure, even though I'm "depressed" I'm not about to let that defeat me. I have very good grounds for being the way I am right now and feeling the way I do. No one else is to blame. Go head, and read the blog before this one, you'll be surprised. I forgot to add a couple of details from the last one though. The real reason why I am in this trance. It sucks. Last Tuesday I had happened to receive a "restricted" phone call. This happened while I was on the phone with my mother, just checking in and letting her know I made it ok to a place I told her I would visit. So anyway, I received a phone call. Like a dummy, I picked up the other line thinking it was someone else. My heart sank to the bottom, well to the lowest of the low it'd already been to. I had to hang up. To make matter worse, I was about to eat bfast. I hadn't ate at all the day bfore which was Monday. Yeah I know shoot me now why don't you. So because I hung up on him, he happened to blow up my cell phone with several text messages. I was already a mess. I wanted to leave my room and go for a jog, but because I didn't know the area, I didn't want to make a fool of myself. I later met up with someone. Fun times I'd like to say. I wish I could say I could enjoy every moment of it, which I did, but not as much as I wanted to. So ever since Tuesday, I hadn't been the same. My thoughts and my emotions have been all over the place. I kept getting these weird calls so I told a couple of people not to text and that I'd call them. I was so distracted that day. Everyone noticed, including complete strangers. That's just me. My eyes do all the talking. I didn't eat at all. I left my room, checked out, went to the school. I didn't want to eat at all. I just wanted to cry, kick, scream, and run away from it all. Everything has a purpose though. I shouldn't have visited my other friend. He was at home sick and all. I felt bad for him. I just visited for a while because I had nowhere else to turn to. It was nice. Yeah I'm a nerdette like that. He let me rest for a while, and then I decided to head out. I needed to clear my head for a while. I somehow ended up near a road that would've taken me to the mountains. Yeah... But I didn't go after all. It wasn't time yet. After a while of delegating and whatnot, I decided to head back home. I guess you could say I was somewhat speeding on the freeway, but everytime I caught myself, I would go on the right side of the road. I let other cars pass me by. Wednesday was supposed to be my day off, but I decided to go to work. Nothing special. My coworkers noticed I was completely not there. They murmmured amongst themselves, but luckily, it was my short work day. Thursday, another day right? Still hadn't ate at all. Everyone was trying to force feed me, but they wouldn't have undersstood. I would keep going, but I don't wanna ruin the mood I'm in. i'm feeling ok for now. I should go to the library and catch up on my reading. While I'm there, I should catch up on other things. By the way, I no longer have a cell phone. I won't be able to text or call anyone. I won't be able to receive phone calls. I thought about getting a prepaid phone line, but it's kind of dumb to get a temporary phone number. It's been 3 days since I had my line suspended. I don't need a phone for now. It's ok with me. As much as I'd hate to admit to being a text whore, I don't need the phone, and well people can either email me or IM me if I happen to be online. That's all I can say for now. I wonder if people will start a pool and see how long I could seriously last without a phone line. Should be interesting for now.... 2:47pm

617pm PST Why does shit have to happen to me? What happened? I wish I could take things back and didn't do what I did. Here is what happened. It's simple, but difficult to talk about it. I'm crying while I type about it because it's one of my therapies. About a year and a half ago, i was approached by a person. I never really considered him a friend, nor lover, nor ex. He was just simply someone I'd known since I was 16 and years later, things happened. From the moment we started hooking up, I had a real bad feeling about what went on. It took me years to face up to it. i don't know what to say about it. So anyway ffwd until now... Guy calls girl. She is sick and doesn't want to go out. She knows she shouldn't go out with this guy. He has a g/f. She isn't interested in him. Mother dislikes guy. Guy dislikes girl's mother. She is stuck no matter what. Lose-lose situation. She decides she's going out. He takes her to his house. They're supposed to hang out. She was still uncomfortable. She asked questions just to be friendly. She asks about the g/f. He replies and says she no good. Asks her to drop questions. She still feels uncomfortable. Did I tell you girl had monthly. Anywho, they hang out. He imposes himself on her. She says, "no! stop!" He still doesn't back off. He keeps going. She keeps saying No! He does not understand. He keeps trying. Girl somewhat gives in but still says no. She starts crying and he does not let go. She tells him she is on her monthly. He does not understand and asks the girl to show him. She has to stoop so low as to show him. She locks herself in bathroom. What's next for her to do? She gets out and heads back to the couch. He confronts her and puts his weight on her. She is still upset and crying. Basically, this is an assault. If you think about it. girl had no choice but to copulate. She then gets out of the house when he goes to the bathroom. In desperation girl leaves and starts running as fast as she can while crying. She has nowhere to turn to. Sad huh? Girl calls friends, they advise her to go to the PD. She does. She has pictures taken. She was asked to identify the guy. Girl's mother never knew what happened to her daughter. As soon as daughter gets home from a long horrifying day, mother calls her daughter a slut. Girl's brother, mother's son, defends girl and says Mother does not know what she is talking about and should take it back. Ffwd to present time. Guy tries to slap girl with lawsuit and says she is libel for slander and defamation. Guy is also slapping lawsuit against girl's mother. Girl had no other choice but to break down and tell her mother, but not all the details of course. Girl could not answer court notice in time. Girl is SOL and at default. Girl is VOC and yet she is constantly harrassed by him. He knows her every move. It's sad folks. Should I keep going? I think it's enough said. He recently tried to call me again and has blown up my cell phone with several text msgs. He also tried to send me an email for an EX PARTE NOTICE for OCTOBER 9. I have been scared to read my email and to read my text messages. I am so distraught. I am the one with the emotional distress, not him. I am the one being harrassed! not him! I have tried to live my life as if nothing happened. Should I have gone to the police to report him even though I never did when i was younger? Keep in mind, we had sex when I was 17. Isn't that wrong? I was still a minor. I never talked about it then. I felt like shit when we had sex. I still felt like it when he would talk down to me via IM. Too bad I don't have my files with me. Otherwise, they'd be my savior. I don't know what else to do. I am confused. I am questioning myself and my actions. Why didn't I talk before? Should I have talked before? Only time will tell. If I'm not back you guys, at least you'll know why! I mean I guess I'm at fault right? Who's to say I'm not. I only screamed at the top of my lungs. I was embarrassed and I couldn't get out of the situation. Let me tell you either way, I was in a lose-lose situation. I know I'm going to have haters reading this, but I'm sure I'm not the only one this has happened to. I mean it could be the same situation without the humiliation I went through, but the feelings and confusion and everything is all the same. Oh and the reason I couldn't get a hold of an attorney is b/c no one would give me the time or place. They all said it was an easy case. Why don't they freaking help? Why didn't they freakin help me when I honestly needed the help and still do. Fuck the system. I'm just another girl who is going to get royally screwed. That's the fucked up part. I've tried to move on since the incident and still hasn't worked. I'm not running away from my problems, though it seems like it. No one's wanted to help this girl out. That's all.... 6:33pm PST

Ok people this is a song I sort of wrote. I have the melody in my head, so it looks more like just words or a poem, but it's a song. let me know what you think =) You can't imagine what my heart is feeling I am risking it all by staying away Always wondering, never saying Just keep walking past you. Somewhere, deep inside, I think you know Nex thing I know you've stolen a sweet kiss As I feel your tender lips kissing mine Suddenly I realize it was all just a dream Knowing it won't happen in reality Only you can make me feel this way Only you can take my fears away Even though you don't know this Somehow, I know you love me too. Now, as I'm standing right next to you Hoping that you'd notice me Suddenly I realize, it was all just a dream Knowing it won't happen... to a silly girl like me Only you made me feel this way Only you took my fears away Even though you barely noticed Somehow, you always knew you loved me too Take my breath away with a kiss Wipe my tears away from my face Please hold me closer to your heart Make it happen, if you want to know... This is for real and forever So that I'm yours to keep forever more Next to my heart and inside my soul Only you took my breath away Only you longed for me to stay Even though now you know this Somehow we were meant to be

You Are a Tiny Tease

You like to flirt and show off your body, but what confident woman doesn't. You enjoy male attention, and you're usually pretty good at not leading men on. However, there are times when you get carried away with your sexy behavior. It's okay to use your amazing flirting powers for good - but never for evil!

You Are a Coy Flirt

You may not seem like you're flirting, but you know exactly what you're doing. You draw people in, very calculatingly, without them even knowing. Subtle and understated, you know how to best leverage your sex appeal. A sexy enigma, you easily become an object of obsession.