51302's blog: "Bikers"

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. A man came in, he was already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway butt naked. Man, she is fine!" The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ass, and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!" The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it Grandpa, you're drunk Go home!"

A babe and a biker were fucking around in a meadow. The biker falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the babe to go and get the farmer to help pull him to safety. The babe runs to the farmer but the farmer cannot be found. So she drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. She then throws the other end of the rope to the biker, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking. A few days later they were in the meadow again and this time the babe fell into the mud hole. The babe yelled to the biker to go and get some help from the farmer. The biker said, "No, I think I can stand over the hole." So he stretched his legs over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my dick and pull yourself up." So the babe grabbed hold of the bikers dick and pulled herself to safety. The moral of the story: If you're hung like a biker, you don't need a BMW to pick up babes!

If Bikers ran the country... The wearing of ties to work by men would be frowned on, as would the wearing of bras and panties for women. The opening days of Sturgis and Daytona would be national holidays. Third world dictators would be dealt with in the same manner as one would deal with a wino who just puked on his scoot. All money from traffic violations would go into a huge keg fund. Anyone who used a firearm to defend his home or property from vandals would have a street named after him. Tattoos would be funded by the National Endowment for the Arts. The money currently being spent on Mars probes and other useless junk would be used to fund research into finding the cure for the common hangover. Sexual harassment laws would be more open to interpretation and would allow for the fact that most men are really basically just pigs. Global warming would be encouraged since riding in the snow is such a pain in the ass.

Why motorcycles are better than women: Your motorcycle doesn't get upset when you forget it's birthday. You don't have to talk to your motorcycle after you ride it. You can choke your motorcycle. Your motorcycle doesn't get mad when you ignore it for a month or so. Motorcycles don't get jealous if you come home with grease under your fingernails. Motorcycles don't snore. Your motorcycle won't wake you up at 3:00 AM and ask you if you love it. Your motorcycle won't leave you for another rider. You don't have to pay child support / alimony to an ex-motorcycle. If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again. If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts. If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it. If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it. If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it. If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks. If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler. If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it. It's always OK to use tie downs on your Motorcycle. Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride. Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden. Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have. Motorcycles don't care if you are late. Motorcycles don't get pregnant. Motorcycles don't have parents. Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider. Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines. Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong. Motorcycles last longer. Motorcycles' curves never sag. When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time. You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle. You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up. You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore. You can share your Motorcycle with your friends. You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well. You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle. You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle. You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is REALLY worn. Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles. Your Motorcycle doesn't care what you're wearing when you take it out. Motorcycles always sound pleasant.

Murphy's 10 Laws of Motorcycling 1.A motorcycle cannot fall over without an audience. 2.The odds of a motorcycle falling over are directly proportional to the size of the audience and of the owner's ego. (Newness and expense of the bike are contributing factors.) 3.Motorcycles are to yellow bugs as aircraft carriers once were to Kamikaze pilots. 4.You will not feel the need to go to the restroom until after you have put on your rainsuit. 5.The fact that your keys are still in your pants pocket will only become apparent after you have put on your gloves. 6.Quick fixes are so named for how long they stay fixed. 7.The only part you really need will also be the only part on permanent backorder. 8.Nothing is harder to start than a used motorcycle being shown to a prospective buyer. 9.You will never suffer a punctured tire on the road until you leave the repair kit at home. 10."Universal" accessories are so named because that is what you must search to find the bike they fit.

You know you're a biker when... Any one of your bikes is worth more than your car. You choose an apartment solely on the basis of whether or not it is flat enough to ride into and how close the good roads/trails are. The first thing you ask when you regain consciousness is "How's my bike". You actually move farther from work so your bike commute will be longer. Your learn you have X money left over after paying bills and the first thing you do is reach for the nearest motorcycle catalog. You dream of winning the lottery, and the first thing you think of is "how many/which bikes can that money buy?" You can tell your significant other with a straight face that its too hot to mow the lawn then take off and go for a ride. You know the distance of every point of interest within 20 miles of your house as well as the location of every pot-hole along the way.

You Might Be a Yuppie Biker If: If you drink cappucino instead of beer. If you cant figure out why the battery on your new bike won't stay charged. If your trailer has more miles on it than your bike If your leathers still have creases If you don't ride your bike to work because it scuffs your penny loafers. If you move your bike and the grass is brown under the wheels. If your tatoos wash off. If you have doubled the weight of your bike with bolt on chrome. If you have never kick started a bike before. If you buy bikes as investments. If you refer to your bike as your "toy". If you wear a full face helmet If you wear a helmet If you wear earplugs If you really believe that there are bikes that come customized from the factory If the last time you went to the Harley dealer you came home with golfballs and a toilet seat If your Harley shirt has a coller If its not fun to ride unless someone sees you If you don't ride in the rain If you can't find your oil filter If you think any motorcycle is too loud If your poneytail comes off with your cap If you leave your garagedoor open just so people can see your bike If you need a biker lingo book If your a HOG member and think your an outlaw If you think a wrench is a bitchy woman If when you buy your bike you start calling everyone "bro" If you stop 30 miles from Sturgis to unload your bike so you can ride in If you think the models in the catalogs are what bikers are suppose to look like If you worry about what bikers are suppose to look like If you read VQ If other people you consider bikers scare you IF you paint your office nick-name (like EasyRider or Bad-Ass) on your Bell open face helemet. You know you're a yuppie biker if you paid for your new FXSTC in 24 months or less. You know you're a yuppie biker if you complained about the "smell and fumes" near the back of your last group ride. You know you're a yuppie biker if you won't ride unless it's a group ride. You know you're a yuppie biker if everyone on your last group ride works at your law firm, or plays golf with you. You know you're a yuppie biker if you've ever said "Isn't it too cold/wet/hot/dry/dark to ride?" You carry a cam-corder instead of a knife If your saddlebags have a special pocket for your cell phone Your only scoot has been a Knucklehead & u don't even know what that is. You put newspaper under your scoot to catch da drippins. If your jeans have a crease. You read this page & say hey I do that!