h's blog: "Another Moment Is Another Eternity"

Ever felt crushed? I'm not talking like" oh you broke my promise" crushed.. I'm talking like someone threw you off the Empire State building and someone broke your fall. Well that's exactly how I'm feeling right at the moment. I should have expected it, and honestly deep down I knew this was going on but hearing it and reality sinking in is a lot different than thinking. So as everyone knows, Aaron and I split up a lil over a week ago. He called me yesterday afternoon to tell me that he had someone else already. I was sure he did anyway but ya know, you don't run around on someone when they're across the country from you. And I'm not stupid, He's already slept with her. You should check the pics on her myspace. Theres NO FUCKING WAY you just lay around the house in nothing and let someone take pics of you. I'm pretty sure hes been fuckin her way before this but I dont understand why he couldnt have just sat me down when he realized that he lusted, liked, wanted her wtfe and told me that way I could have made some kind of plans as to what I was going to do. And Im sure he'll read this and in a while I wont be so mean but im FUCKIN pissed that YOU would bring that slut into OUR home and fuck her in OUR ROOM, on OUR COUCH with pics of OUR SON all over the place and MY stuff through out the house. I FUCKIN left EVERYTHING i had, wanted, earned for and grew up for you and THIS is what i fuckin get in return? Dont forget she just got out of an 8 year realtionship with an even bigger asshole and they were suppose to get married. SHE is NOT over him and you are just her rebound. I dont give a flying fuck how much she denies it. And don't get her pregnant either, it'll go the same way we did. We started to fall apart the very night we went to WalMart to take a pregnancy test. And dont act like we didnt. You didnt want a baby nor the responisbility that came with it and Im sorry. I fucking fought like hell for us for two years after that only for you to go and screw someone else while Im sittin at home watching the baby like a dipshit. Thanks for making me feel so stupid. I loved you and I woulda done anything for you. Noone will ever love you like I did. How many other women do you know that would move across the country on a long shot? I tried and tried. When you changed, I grew to adjust to the new you. I loved you and I love you and I will always love you and i'll be apart of your life forever. But dont expect me to sit around and be nice and quiet about this. Im fuckin pissed to hell and back and then back again that you would do this when you told me that you werent like other guys. Well this is like all the other guys. All it woulda taken was for you to open your mouth and go" hey we need to talk" but no.. We were suppose to be a family.. at least we could have been living in the same state after this. That way Aasyn could have you around and I wouldnt have to watch him run up and down the halls looking for you, calling you all the time, running to the phone hollering Daddy....but whatever makes you happy I guess. Yeah I'm pissed but in the end, as long as you're happy then that's all that really matters. Obviously, I wasn't good enough and my love wasn't enough for you. Just remember that I tried and when I decided to stop, you already had a replacement lined up. We made a promise before we found out that we were having Aasyn that if anything were to happen to us, we would still be friends for our kids. You cannot back outta that promise. Not for me, but for our son. I'm sorry I wasnt enough and I couldnt do enough for you, but one point in time you loved me to the point you couldnt stand to be away from me nor keep your hands off me. So remember that because I can't forget it. I dont regret it and you shouldnt either, I just wish that it would have ended in a different and much better way.

Sometimes I feel like I bother people. Not the normal, " oh she gets on my nerves sometimes", but all the time. It;s nto with everyone though. There are a few people who I don't feel this way towards, i.e. Jessee, Di, Cory, Becca, my grandparents and my Aunt Kathy. Other than that, I feel like I annoy people. Hence the reason I may not talk much in a box or I get quiet on the phone. Even when you give me your number or IM name and tell me, " You can call/talk to me anytime." I even sit online sometimes when I see someone I wanna talk to and just wait to see if they'll IM me. I don't want to bother them. I think I've always been this way, a few years at least. Maybe part of it is from the fact that I don't want to look " obsessive". I've been called that before, but I'm an openly affectionate person. I love to show people how they make me feel and I want the ones I love to know I love them. I think the other part of me being this way is the relationship I have with my mother. I've laways had to fight for her attention and approval(and i still do to this day). I've always felt like I was a bother to her. I hated asking her for anything or to do anything. I felt like a burden. I never felt good enough and it seemed like nothign I did was right. I remember the first song I wrote(that I was actually proud of). It's titled "Slipping." It was my first attempt at that style of writing. My sister, Becca, and I had sat down in our room and wrote together. we were *so* thrilled at the outcome and decided, " let's do show mom". Becca showerd her piece first. You would think she had scored a free trip to the Vatican City to spend a day with the Pope. Mom ranted and raved. She made phone calls and told all of her online friends. She even told my sister she was going to type it up and laminate it(and she did). So Becca's turn was done. Mom kept her poem at the computer desk and went back to the computer. I stood there. She didn't say anything. I stood there a minute longer and nothing. Finally, I said, " Mom..." and she answered with a what? I showed her my paper, asked her to read it, told her I something I wanted her to read, whatever it was that I said. She took the paper and I watched her. She didn't even read all of it. She skim-read my song, handed it back to me, and with barely any tone in her voice said, " that's good." I was crushed. I think I went back to my room and cried. I've never shown my mother anything else I've written. I have at least 159 more pieces I've written since that day. My mom not only made me feel like uber shit in that moment, but she made me feel like I had bothered her. Like some kind of annoyance and it continued on from there. Maybe it's been like this long before that, but that moment is the place in time that I discovered it for myself. I know I don't bother everyone all the time, but I can't help but feel that. I've been rejected so many times by my mother that it's hard to fathom the idea that I'm not always on everyone's nerves. I do try though. I do my best to shove that idea out of my head, but now that the only person who ever made me feel like me has stopped loving me and recently ended our two and a half year relationship, i feel it all over again. Don't get me wrong, we both agreed to it and I'm not in the, "omg how do I live" state, I just feel a tad bit insecure. Could you blame me? I know I'll love again. i know I can find someone who loves both me and my son for who we are. Who know, I may have found them already and not know it yet. I jus tknow I want to work on this flaw of mine. It's something I need to do. It's that one step that leads me closer to finding out who I am and help me become me.

=D Tomorrow, I'm headed out to Seattle to catch my plane to Bham! yay! FINALLY! I cant believe it. Ima be back in Bama for about 7 weeks, so I may be MIA..but ya'll know where I am! I'm sure I'll be able to get on from time to time but not as long as I normally have been. Like I told Di, I gotta go do some southern things... maybe I can feel whole again(lol!) But pUhLeAsE feel free to love my page while I'm gone...(pleaseeeeeeee *bats eyelashes*) Hopefully I can find the camera today that way I can take some pics of home to show off. I'm off to get my boy up and get him ready to go see the doctor. *hugs and kisses to all* *-LaLa-*

Some changes are coming your way when it comes to this funny thing called love -- especially regarding those rules you thought were etched in stone. This is a great thing: You can kick old habits that were holding you back. *-ha...-*

Well this Mother's Day def. outdid last years.( i had a terrible stomach virus and at the time my son was only 3 months old) I would rather be sick and throwing up that being deal with the TOTAL bullshit that Im dealing with now. To start the day off, I didnt get to bed til about midnight. I kept waking up every hour seeing if Aaron was home. Well, i finally got up at 8:30am and he's STILL not home. about 5m ns later he comes in, he went to his moms after work because WalMart pissed him off. Wow, so he cant come home and tell me about it? wtfever. About 9:30/10ish Ace gets up.. ok so, it's Mother's Day, I figure I get a slight break in my mommy duties...wrong. I tell Aaron that Ace needs something to eat and I start straightenin up the house. Well, i look and Aarons asleep. He slept over at his moms.. he shoulda come home and fuckin slept. Thats HIS problem not mine. So i get Ace his breakfast and Im fuckin pissed. So Aaron makes a smart ass remark about me banging stuff around...which me and smartass remarks dont go well together anyway.. i make one back and he starts fuckin yellin at me.. then he punches the wall IN FRONT OF AASYN. I grab my son, his poptart, his cup, my phone and my keys and I go to my neighbors house. Im over there about 30 mns and I come home. Yay for the silent treatment. Then his dad comes over, which I figured Aaron called his parents while I was gone so w/e. apparently, Aarons JUST NOW telling his parents about my trip to Bama this summer. His dad was talking to me and tryna get me to leave Aasyn. Tellin me that Aasyns just gunna get in the way of my partying and whatever. Partying? what fuckin partyin? Im there to spend time with everyone. Im not a party whore. Im NOT gunna be droppin Ace off at random peoples houses while I go get drunk and fuck some random guy I AM NOT THAT WAY. I AM TAKIN MY SON WITH ME end of story. My friends and family WANT to see Ace and HAVE A RIGHT to see Ace just like Aarons parents do. But listenin to that for an hour isnt exactly something you wanna fuckin deal with. but WHAT THE FUCK EVER. Fuck this whole goddamn day. Its bullshit. Sometimes I feel I was better off when it was just me and my boy.

Velvet Thunder This is a test for all who seek too Have the freedom of speech forever And consequently I am hear to speak to you With the truth and love from our Father So follow the Leaders and Ill meet you there. In time To show you the beauty. In humble traditions. In time And its something you cant see Something that hides behind the seems Through the seems With every tempo and every key Every song and melody YOU HAVE PERFECTED PRAISE Leaders we should be boldly to say Leaders we should be boldly This is a test for all humanity So where's the love Leaders you should be boldly You should be boldly to say You are forever and we will together Praise Your name All through the Heavens skies Through the skies -fixed til Tuesday- http://www.purevolume.com/fixedtiltuesday http://www.myspace.com/fixedtiltuesday

Heaven Knocking, Hell Rising - 2007 EP Wake up, and Put on your Armor.... We rush to the Battle Scene.... Fire and Brimstone we will bring to the fight and Souls will be lifted from here to the sky and He will descend from the clouds Like a thief in the night These trials seem so long... and the days i feel are killing... but my hands will clench to yours when it seems like i am falling BECAUSE YOU WERE ALWAYS THERE Welcome, welcome is the first thing you do to me always When i've been so far away And you are the best thing That has happened to me and Forever i'll worship You This is the end hear it comes This is the end that we're in Haven't you heard Havent you The dead will rise AWAKE THE BRIDE And it's such a chore for me Just to see the world is ending But the news paper writes and The television screams That this is the end So haven't you felt the love of Christ Haven't you felt Jehovah's Love... One day we'll see your face... One day... Your welcome Welcome, welcome is the first thing you do to me always When i've been so far away And you are the best thing That has happened to me and Forever i'll worship You This is the end hear is comes Haven't you heard............... -fixed til Tuesday- http://www.purevolume.com/fixedtiltuesday http://www.myspace.com/fixedtiltuesday

love = pain. simple as that. unless you're in the beginning of something new. then it's all giggles, butterflies and little heart drawn on pieces of paper. then you get use to each other then you know each other then, and then there's nothing left to learn nothing new for you to see nothing but the same old same old everyday. you make decision in the favor of your relationship they go un-noticed. you make sacrifices. they don't matter. you go to speak to each other and nothing comes out you stop writing letters you stop drawing hearts. you stop feeling butterflies. you have to ask for kisses for hugs, for affection. you cry but to whom? you cry alone. you sit up at night just because just to get fallen asleep on you clean up it goes un noticed you feel unappreciated. you go to speak how you feel attitudes flare and words fly you argue you fight you cry some more you take yourself away from everything you've ever known ever had, ever earned, ever worked for you take yourself away from where you belong it doesnt matter. you're unhappy where you are doesnt matter you try and try and try to talk to your love nothing gets through how would you know if i did they have to talk back but they dont " you deserve better" they say it's not that easy there's someone else involved. someone who needs both of you. so you weigh the options plan a- stay where you are let yourself slip further and further away from you put your health in jeapordy to make your lover happy and to keep your family together plan b- go home go back to what you made for yourself and the life you brought into the world. go back to when you were happy you had a job, you had money and a good place to live and all you were missing was him. but what can you do but sit in the middle of both and cry because you're confused there is no place to run anymore there is no one to hold you anymore there is nothing but pain... ...and love..... what happened to who you were? what about those days you would call me right after you left the house just because you missed me. what about the days you couldnt stand to be away from me? how 8 hours seemed like 2 weeks? why do i have to ask for a kiss, or a hug or for you to hold me? why dont we sleep in the same bed? what happened to the days we would talk? what happened to being able to tell you how I felt? what am i suppose to do? i'm tired of crying. sick of it but i wont make any threats because i know i wont do anything because i fuckin love you. just tell me..... do you love me too?....