Snake Skinner AKA Motordromerider's blog: "JOKES 7"

 MONDAY'S JOKES
                                      Student Project
A man entered a restaurant and bar and sat himself at the bar for a drink. He noticed a beautiful girl at the other end of the bar seemingly alone. After some time he picked up his drink and went to sit beside her and asked "Can I buy you a drink?" 
 She replied in a loud voice "A motel!" "No!" he replied I just offered a drink. All the people in the restaurant were then staring at him. "I just offered a drink", he said. She replied "Why should I go with you to a motel?"
 "Oh forget it" he said as he left to return to the other end of the bar. What a kook he thought. 
 About 20 minutes later she came to his end of the bar and said; "Sir, I'm sorry to have embarrassed you but I am a student at the University and I have to do a term paper on reactions to embarrassing situations. I hope you will forgive me, since this was just part of my research." 
 He looked at her, and in a very loud voice said, "TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS?"
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                                      I don't want to go to school!
Mom goes to son's room to wake him up. "Okay, son, time to wake up! Time for school!" 
Son, in a surly mood says, "I don't want to go to school!" 
 Mother insists, "You must, son, now come on!" 
Son replies, "I don't want to go! The kids all make fun of me. They hit me. They throw things at me! I don't want to go!"
 Mother says, gently, "Son, you know you have to go to school." "
Why do I have to go to school?" Mother replies, "Because you're the PRINCIPAL!"
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                                      Four Advantages of Breast Milk
The student - not necessarily a well-prepared student - sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1.No need to boil. 

2.Cats can't steal it. 

3. Available whenever necessary.

Um. So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly he scribbled his definitive answer: 

4. Available in attractive containers.

********************************************************************                                      WEDNESDAY'S JOKE
                                      You Might be in Education If
1 You believe the staff room should have a valium salt lick. 

2 You find humor in other people's stupidity. 

3 You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free." 

4 You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside. 

5 You believe "shallow gene pool" should have it's own box on the report card. 

6 You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids are sure mellow         today." 

7 When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior. 

8 Marking all A's on the report card would make your life SOOOO much simpler. 

9 When you mention "vegetables" and you're not talking about a food group.

10 You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

11 You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.

12 You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.

13 You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling.

14 You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would NEVER DREAM of doing your job.

15 You can't have children of your own, because there is NO name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.

16 Meeting a child's parents INSTANTLY answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"

17 Or if you think government can do a better job of education, for less money, than private enterprise or home school.
********************************************************************                                      THURSDAY'S JOKE
                                      Catholic School
A ten year old public school boy was finding fifth grade math to be the challenge of his life. Science? A piece of cake. Geography? No big deal. Spelling? Ha! Give me a break ... but MATH? It was devastating! To not only him, but his mom and dad, too! And not that they weren't doing everything and anything to help their son ... Private tutors, peer assistance, CDs, Textbooks, even HYPNOSIS! Nothing worked.
 Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private school. Not just ANY private school, but a Catholic school. Nuns. Weekly mass.
 Well, the first day of school finally arrived, and dressed in his salt-and-pepper cords and white wool dress shirt and blue cardigan sweater, the youngster ventured out into the great unknown. His mother and father were convinced they were doing the right thing.
 They were both there waiting for their son when he returned home. And when he walked in with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, they hoped they had made the right choice. He walked right past them and went straight to his room - and quietly closed the door.
 For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with mat books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He only emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, he went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.
 After school, the boy walked into the home with his report card - unopened - in his hand. Without a word, he dropped the envelope on the family dinner table and went straight to his room. His parents were petrified. What lay inside the envelope? Success? Failure? DOOM?!?
 Patiently, cautiously the mother opened the letter, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject, MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at the remarkable progress of their young son! 
 "Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No."
"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?", asked the mother.
 Again, the boy shrugged, "No."
 "The textbooks? The teacher? The curriculum?", asked the father.
 "Nope," said the son. "It was all very clear to me from the very first day of school, that these folks in Catholic school meant business!"
 "How so?", asked his mom.
 "When I walked into the lobby, the first thing I saw was that guy they'd nailed to the plus sign!"
********************************************************************                                      FRIDAY'S JOKE
                                      Chemistry Final
Introductory Chemistry at Duke University has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry." He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this.
 Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends up there. 
 So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. 
 Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. 
 They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.
 They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said:
 (95 points) Which tire?
********************************************************************                                      SATURDAY'S JOKE
                                      College Exam
College Entrance Exam - Football Player Version - Time Limit: 3 Weeks
 1.What language is spoken in France?
 2.Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
 3.Would you ask William Shakespeare to  build a bridge  sail the ocean  lead an army or  WRITE A PLAY
 4.What religion is the Pope?
  Jewish  Catholic  Hindu  Polish  Agnostic (check only one)
 5.Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
 6.What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
 7.How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
 8.What are people in America's far north called?
  Westerners  Southerners  Northerners
 9.Spell-Bush, Carter and Clinton
 Bush: Carter: Clinton:
 10.Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
 11.Where does rain come from?
  Macy's  7-11  Canada  the sky
 12.Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
  yes  no
 13.What are coat hangers used for?
 14.The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
 15.Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
 16.Where is the basement in a three story building located?
 17.Which part of America produces the most oranges?
  New York  Florida  Canada  Wisconsin
 18.Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
 19.What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
 20.The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
  B.C.  A.D.
 Name:
 *You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify*
********************************************************************                                      SUNDAY'S JOKE
                                      I need to take a piss!!
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." 
 Little Johnny thinks, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"