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MONDAY'S JOKE
Bush, Cheney, Buck
Bush and Cheney went hunting, killed a giant buck, and were dragging it by the legs back to their car, when they were approached by a seasoned old hunter.
"Hello, Mr. President, and Vice President. If I may please make a suggestion... it would be much easier for you to drag your deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
The leaders of the free world thanked the man and tried his suggesion. A while later Cheney said, "You know, that was good thinking. This is a lot easier!"
"Yessir," agreed Bush. "But durn it! We're gettin' farther away from our truck!"
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TUESDAY'S JOKE
All Politicians
A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells, All politicians are *ssholes.
A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, I take offense to that!
The pissed-off guy asks him, Why? Are you a politician?
No," he replies, "I'm an *sshole.
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WEDNESDAY'S JOKE
A Setback
Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the First button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.
Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"
Dubya says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
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THURSDAY'S JOKE
Looking for Work
A British doctor, a German doctor and an American doctor were chatting.
The British doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."
Then the German doctor bragged, "That''s nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and almost immediately afterwards half the country was looking for work."
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FRIDAY'S JOKE
State Slogans
Alabama:At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska:11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona:But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas:Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California:As Seen on TV
Colorado:If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut:Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware:We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida:Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia:Without Atlanta we're Alabama
Hawaii:Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho:More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois:Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana:2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa:We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas:First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky:Five Million People; Seven Last Names
Louisiana:We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos,But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine:We're Really Cold,But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland:A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts:Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
Michigan:First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota:10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi:Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri:Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana:Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska:Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada:Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire:Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey:You Want a ##$%##! Motto?I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico:Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York:You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina:Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota:We Really are One of the 50 States!
Ohio:We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma:Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon:Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania:Cook With Coal
Rhode Island:We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina:We Have Never Actually Surrendered to the North
South Dakota:Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee:The Educashun State
Texas:A Whole 'Nother Country!
Utah:Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont:Yep
Virginia:Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington:Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.:Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia:One Big Happy Family -- Really!
Wisconsin:Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming:Wynot?
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SATURDAY'S JOKE
Clinton's Clock
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today. Why don't you let me show you around?"
The guy thinks it's a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights: the golf course, reading room, library, observation room, cafeteria and, finally, a HUGE room full of clocks.
"What's up with those clocks, Peter?"
"Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
The guy thinks this makes sense, but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is.
"Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock." This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate.
"What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies. "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."
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SUNDAY'S JOKES
Irish Wake
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
One less drunk.
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Presidents and the Titanic
Bill Clinton, George Bush and George Washington were on the Titanic.
As the boat was sinking, George Washington heroically shouts, ''Save the women!''
George Bush hysterically screeches, ''Screw the women!''
And Bill Clinton's eyes light up and he says, ''Do we have time?''
