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MONDAY'S JOKE
You Might Be An Internet Addict If...
1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.
2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL" out loud.
3. You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile.
4. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.
5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".
6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
7. You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.
8. When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "yelling" at you.
9. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
10. Your spouse now complains of you moving your fingers in your sleep instead of talking.
****************************************************************************** TUESDAY'S JOKE
You Might Be An Internet Addict If...
11. Your kids are eating candy morning, noon, and night.
12. When someone says, "What did you say?" you reply, "Scroll up!"
13. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.
14. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know you're on-line again.
15. You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do your own spouse's.
****************************************************************************** WEDNESDAY'S JOKE
You Might Be An Internet Addict If...
16. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.
17. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.
18. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth (online all night).
19. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own profile to see who you are.
20. You go into labor and you stop to type a special E-mail to let everyone know you're going to be away and how you're feeling.
21. You have a map on the wall w/ LOTS of red thumbtacks to mark where people are you have met.
22. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore button handy.
23. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.
24. You get up at 2 am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead.
25. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.
26. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme.
27. Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n & dI, will TTYL".
28. You type faster than you think.
29. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie.
30. People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes & fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!" ****************************************************************************** THURSDAY'S JOKE
You Might Be An Internet Addict If...
31. You double click your TV remote.
32. You can now type over 70 wpm.
33. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.
34. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading
35. You step out of your room and realise that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.
36. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.
37. Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.
38. You start introducing yourself as "jim at net dot com"
39. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a WWW site address on TV
40. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
41. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
42. All of your friends have an @ in their name.
43. When looking at a web page full of somebody else's links, you notice that all of them are hilighted in purple.
44. Your dog has its own home page.
45. You cant call your mother ...she doesn't have a modem.
****************************************************************************** FRIDAY'S JOKE
You Might Be An Internet Addict If...
46. You check your e-mail. it says "no new messages"...so you check again.
47. Your phone bill is as heavy as a brick.
48. You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
49. You dont kno wthe sex of 3 of your closest friends., because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
50. Your husband tells you that he has had a beard for 2 months.
51. You wake up at 3am to go to the bathroom & stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
52. You tell the kids they cant use the computer because "Daddy'd got work to do" - even though you dont have a job.
53. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built in key-board & mouse.
54. Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
55. You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."
56. You never have have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP ..because you never log off.
57. The last girl you picked up was only a GIF
58. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage ..so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
59. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road your first instinct is to search for the 'back button'
60. You turn off your modem & get this awful empty feeling, likeyou just pulled the plug on a loved one.
****************************************************************************** SATURDAY'S JOKES
THE MAGICAL FROG
One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female." For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well." Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle. For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female." The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said "I wish that the bear was gay..."
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GENIE IN A BOTTLE
A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes." The man says "Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.
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THE TWO SCOTTISH NUNS
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
****************************************************************************** SUNDAY'S JOKES
LITTLE JOHNNY JOKES
A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. "Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"
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Little Johnny is sitting, being his cool self in the local park. Along comes Suzi chomping on her piece of gum. "Hey Johnny, wanna play doctor?" Johnny lets out a puff of smoke, "Nah, that's too old fashioned." Johnny takes another drag, "Spit out your gum, I wanna play President."
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Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
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Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
