Amity's blog: "Rambling"

So tonight I was on the phone for 4 hours with my ex's new wife. I find I actually LIKE her. Oh and the fact that she has discovered my ex for what and who he truly is and plans to leave him as soon as she can helps that fact out a lot. While I am sorry for the kids I know that they will be ok. She is doing everything in her power to move my youngest down with me b4 she leaves him and both she and I will fight to keep the older 2 with her. They have bonded with her, and she has done wonders for my son. He needed someone who could fight for him and she was able to do that since my ex has still  (2 yrs into their relationship) has not moved up to MI. She was able to fight without his influence on my son and was strong enough to stand up and fight my ex to get the help my son so badly needed. I know that the kids are going to be well taken care of, and in the end that's all anyone can ask for their children. 

I still get to pick up my little one on the 17th and it seems like her entire room is coming with her. I think the stepmom is going to move just about everything she can of my daughters down here with me so that there is less of a rush when/if I get to keep her. Pretty much she is going to force the issue with the ex and I couldn't be happier. 

I spend my days now looking at the clock willing it to move faster as the day looms closer. In so many ways I am nervous, it's been 2 yrs since I have been a mommy. What if I have forgotten how, what if I spoil her too much, what if, what if, what if... I know I am being silly but good grief I can't seem to stop it. I find myself cleaning and cleaning so that the house is perfect. Like a 9 yr old is going to care right? 

I dream of the moment I will hold her in my arms, feel those sweet arms of hers around me. Smelling the sweet scent of her hair, seeing that smile I have missed, hearing her infectious giggle. I love that child very much. I miss all of them but I know the older 2 have moved on while the little one has never let go of the hope of being with me. Hard as it is to admitt it to myself the older 2 just don't need me as much. I will always be mom, always there for them, but they have grown into very responsible, loving, wonderful teens who just don't need the same amount of mothering anymore. Ouch it hurts to think of them as teens, I remember changing diapers, the first steps, first words....all the new experiences.

I guess in the end it will always be that way. Kids grow up, they move on and we are left with the wonderful memories.