My List of the Worst Vehicle Modfications Known to Man
Can't people just have a car the way it was sold to them? Why this incessant desire to "make it my own." I can see one...maybe two bumper stickers. Or a Patriots or Redsox thing. Here are some of the worst ideas people have ever had to modify their vehicle:
1. Painted Flames - This is the absolute worst. I see fucking dorks driving around all the time in Honda Civics, Toyota Corollas, and fucking Dodge Neons with Flames Painted on them. This isn't some retard going out and painting his car himself...that at least would show some frugality. These are professionally painted flames (usually in a multi-color scheme) that run from the hood and front panels, over the doors, and ending at the rear panels. This, I guess, is to show what would actually happen if these idiots actually got their cars up over 100mph and the engines caught fire or something. It's not as if 130 HP is going to ignite the asphalt when they scrub out with their front wheel drive compact matchboxes. As my father always says, "You can put flames on a wheelchair...it don't make it an Indy Car."
2. Golden Crown Airfresheners - This is a blast from the past. You don't see these very much anymore...but they were huge during the 80s and 90s. I guess you'd put some pungent oil into the base of the thing and then gas yourself while you cruised around town. It's not like they were made of real gold. They were fucking plastic. "Oh...roll out the red carpet...King Dipshit has arrived." Whatever.
3. Monster Truck Lift Kits - Why oh why do fucking rednecks from New England love to put Lift Kits in any fucking truck-like vehicle they have. I can see lifting a truck a little bit, especially if you're going off-road. But, when you need a rope ladder to get into the fucking things, enough is enough already. What cracks me up is when they pull up next to you at a Stop and look down chuckling with toothless grins revealed. "I could crush your car man!" I don't bother to say that the extra large truck is a surrogate for a small dick. They wouldn't get it anyway.
4. Lowering Kits - How low can you go? These fuckers go way low. Special credit should be given to the idiots who lower pick-up trucks. Let's make the car I spent a shitload of money on...even more useless. Some of these things can't clear a bottlecap. Fucking ridiculous.
5. Metal Fish - You know the ones with "Jesus" or "Darwin" in the middle. I believe in God. But he's not a Rock Group. I doubt He loves these people anymore for driving around with "Jesus is Lord" or those metal fish. I think they should only sell one kind. A fish with the word "ASSHOLE" in it. That would fit both of these types: The Liberal Evolutionists and the Conservative Creationists.
6. Garbage Disposal Rims - This is my pet name for those rims that have the blades rotating inside the rim of the tire. How about the guy who drives it gets them going real good...stops the car...and puts his pecker in there. See how cool he thinks those are then.
7. Bumper Sticker Cars - This is especially popular with ugly hippie chicks who drive old beaten up Volvos. There are usually so many bumper stickers on the fucking car that if you read them...they all contradict each other. A perfect metaphor for the fucked up minds of these wastes of space.
8. Cars with 15 Fucking Antennas - Tell me. How come in these cars with the Satellite, CB, HAM Radio, AM/FM Long Distance, and Emergency Channel Scanners, the people look so fucking stupid, like they were born without brains or something. You'd figure that people with all that information coming in would look pretty informed. They're fucking driving an AWAC on wheels. Not these assholes. Is something actually going to happen in the World while you're going to get a loaf of bread that you can't wait until you get home to find out about? These are the same people who watch the Weather Channel 24 hours a day.
9. Neon Underlighting - Why? You can't even see it when your driving in your own car. What do you do...stop at a Convenience Store...get out...and say "That's so fucking cool. I love purple."
10. Old Police Cars - The Police should destroy these things for two reasons. A. The people who buy them never paint them. They drive around in the black and white boats and you can usually still see the Police Markings under the quick paint job to cover them up. You know they're thinking..."I could pull that guy over and he wouldn't even know it." Hey buddy...yeah he would. No cop wears a CAT Truck Hat and Flannel Shirts all the time. Fucking retard. B. If they're on the highway I always slow down like an asshole because I think they're real. I pull up and it looks like the Killer Family from Wrong Turn in there.
Those are the worst. If you have any of these...then fucking get a life. I can't give you one...you have to find it for yourself.
