Pets: I have a cat and a dog. The dog is a Chocolate Lab, which I named Hershey (I realize this is obnoxiously cute and I hate it too...but it was a moment of weakness). My mother got a hold of the dog and now it looks like the Hogzilla. Ever see a full tick so bloated that its little legs can't touch the ground...that's my dog. I've got her on a diet...you ever see a dog on a diet? They look more depressed than a human. Whenever I'm depressed or sad...the dog can sense it and comes over to me to rest her head on my lap. Is she trying to comfort me? Fuck no. She's thinking "OK...when the water stops coming out of his eyes...I'll get a treat. I'm waiting here for a treat...mmmmm treat."
The cat I have is cute. The issue with cats? They think they run the show. You could beat a dog half to death (and I never do that...this is just a point) and it will still come back to you. A cat... it comes to you when it wants to. It thinks it owns you. When it rubs up against you...it is marking you as its territory or its property. When a cat comes to lay on your lap...it comes there to steal your body heat. Most people think when a cat rubs against you it is "kissing" you. It is marking you with scent glands it has in the corners of its mouth. When a cat "head butts" you...that is how it shows affection.
Cats like to wait until you clean their litter box and then go in and shit all over it. You ever look at a dog when it's taking a dump...it looks guilty. Like your going to yell at it. A cat proudly squeezes them out...you could have a fucking Marching Band playing right in front of it. The cat...it doesn't care. It's thinking "Yeah...play a fucking Polka for all I care...I'm shitting here...watch me! Watch me dammit!"
Cats and dogs have different survivability levels. If a cat and dog were dropped out into an isolated wilderness together...the cat would survive for years. The dog, if it could find its way home would, but if it were too far it wouldn't make it. Cats have most of its instincts still intact. A dog some...but not enough. My cat would wait until my dog went to sleep and then eat the thing.
I've had other types of pets...but they don't show enough affection. The idea behind having a pet is sucking any affection you can out of it...using it as an emotional sponge. That's why we have them...unconditional love. A pet doesn't care if you have a job or not, whether you're hot looking or not, whether you smell bad (actually they probably like you more then), whether you have a nice car, or any such shit. They love you because you're warm-blooded, feed them, and are nice to them.
I had an iguana. I hated that fucking thing. It would whip me in the fucking face with his tail when I picked him up. The bastard never blinked either. I don't like things that don't blink. It was a "Fruit-Eating" iguana. I really wanted a "Meat-Eating" iguana. That at least would have been entertaining watching it eat something. My iguana would sit there (not blinking) and gum a piece of peach or apple...fucking boring. I think it would be cool if you dipped one of the Meat-Eating iguana in Apple Sauce and had a fight with a Fruit-Eating iguana. That...would be worth watching.
I once had a rat for a pet...I froze it to death by accident by keeping my air conditioner on for 365 straight days when I lived in New Orleans. I picked the poor thing up one day by the tail and it was like a Ratcicle.
One of roomies in college had an African Python as a pet...the thing was so big he used to feed it full grown rabbits. The rabbits were "Jack Rabbits"...they looked like the ones in your yard. He also had a rabbit for pet...this one looked like the kind you get at Easter. Well the dumb son of a bitch decided that after petting his bunny, he was going to clean his Python's cage. He goes into his room and with the light off, puts his hand in the Python tank. I hear screaming and he comes running out into the living room with the fucking python latched onto his right arm. I'm guessing that the Python didn't distinguish between "Jack Rabbits" and "Bunnies." I'm also guessing that if the Python were big enough it would have fucking eaten us too...whether we smelled like a rabbit or not.
Fish...there isn't a fish cool enough to look at that makes me want to go through the work of owning them. You can't pick them up, you can't cuddle them, you can't do anything with them. Plus they always die of something called "Ick". What the fuck is "Ick?" Actually, I'm not even interested enough to care. All I know is that it tears through your tank like Ebola and soon their all dead.
