lux's blog: "the blog of lux"

First, let me say that this story alone.. as I mention later.. is not by any means the only reason.. it's one story of many.

Second.  I was an atheist - or I suppose you could say agnostic - until the age of 25.. it was around then that some very strange things began happening.  I remember the day that I officially decided there was no God.. and gave up being agnostic.. and decided I was simply an atheist, I was at a concert for one of my favorite bands "Christian Death"... at the time I wore a st. christopher medal necklace - I called it my catholic detector.  During the song "sick of love" I decided it was stupid even debating the subject of God anymore.. there clearly wasn't one .. and I ripped the necklace from my neck and threw it on the floor of the bar. -- this was just before the month when things began happening... anyway...

It had been a very strange month.. lots of bizarre things had been happening. I had always told myself, that if there really was some sort of higher power - a "god"- there should be some manner of proving it.. see, here's my point- you have to set some form of standard that says "if X happened.. then I would believe". Most people, atheists, when I ask "what would make you believe?" they generally draw a blank. I had decided that basically if I was to challenge the concept of God as an atheist, I had to set some sort of limit. If I was to witness things which were scientifically impossible then I would believe - and when I say that, I don't mean.. things that just couldn't be explained YET..I mean things that could only be explained by a higher power. I vowed that if I witnessed these things.. then I'd believe - because without some form of test.. well, then, you will of course never believe.. cause there's no way TO believe.

So... this all led to this very strange month - where everyday odd coincidences occurred. There are too many to list and to remember.. but I can never forget this one that really influenced my belief.

-- One morning I woke up, I walked out of the bedroom and into the livingroom. The TV was on from the night before. As I put my boots on (I wore combat boots back then) and began lacing them, there was a commercial for a church service, some mega church - Robert Schuler ministries I believe. As I half listened I heard the pastor say "The Lion and the Lamb will sleep together".. and I paused for a second, half thinking about it. Then finished tying my boots and headed to work.  I worked at pizza hut.. I know , right.. anyway - all day as I worked those words kept running through my mind "the lion and the lamb will sleep together" - sortof like when you have a song stuck in your head. I'd kindof shake my head like "why is that in there?" and continue working.

The day went without event at work.. then eventually I headed home. When I got back I was bored.. and thought about what I should do for the night.

" I should go to Brian's". See, Brian was this longhaired, loser friend of mine - and Brian's house was a party house every single night. It was the kind of house that may or may not have phone, electricity, etc any night cause they were all generally lowlifes.

Good people Anyway, when I showed up at Brian's I just wanted to hang out and have a good time .

I wanted to drink.. flirt with girls - and most of all.. have a NORMAL night.  Which I was, for a little while.  I had just finished my first beer and had moved to my second when I realized that over time people had been drifting out of the living room, one by one.  It wasn't until the one person I had been talking to decided to head off.. to the bathroom or whatever they went to do.. that I realized they had all moved to the entry way, the 2nd livingroom - it was the room just behind me. I turned around and thought it was rather odd.. they were all sitting there in the room they never use.. in the dark.  I, just wanting to go where the people were, wandered into the room - and saw a dollar bill lying on the floor.  I reached down and picked it up and turned to the people sitting on the couches and said (making a poor attempt at humor) "alright, who's dollar is this?".  The joke being that they were all broke and I figured someone would claim it.. I guess.  Instead they all said in unison "that's Brian's dollar".   This kindof took me aback.. and after a second I turned to Brian. Brian at the time had long brown hair..halfway down his chest.. a mustache and an unshaven face - and was wearing his "Team 666" T-shirt. I said to Brian.."ok, Brian, can you PROVE that this is your dollar?". 

At which point Brian began shaking noticeably.  Brian then said to me "No Dave, you keep that dollar."  And I reply "umm, Brian, everyone says it's yours.. you just take the dollar", and he says back again "No Dave, you keep the dollar".  I'm like.. "But Brian, why? I don't get it" and he says to me "You keep that dollar, cause today I found a dollar on the sidewalk.. and it said on it "the Lion and the Lamb will sleep together."

At which point I threw the dollar at Brian and said "Brian, get the FUCK out of my head!"  Then Brian threw the dollar to our friend Scott.. who was a skinhead.. and as I recall was happy to pocket it.

Anyway... that is just one of many stories - stories that happened in my life.  It's definitely not the only.. but it is a major one.  They all involve coincidences.  See, at one point I decided as an agnostic.. that if I'm going to question whether or not there is a God, I need to have some sort of parameters for what would prove it to me... and I decided that it would be easy for God to prove he exists to me - very simple - all I'd have to do is think to myself "is there a God" and reach down and pick up a rock.. and on the other side it would say  "yes, there is Dave".  Because no one but a higher being could arrange such a thing.. no one but a higher being would know our thoughts and future actions (if you want to discuss my view on free will.. that would be another time).  The only part I didn't realize.. is God loves the element of surprise... he never will do it when you are looking for it.. it has to be when you don't expect.  He's kind of a bastard that way...

But hey, this is just a story to you.. not something that happened in your life.  I don't in any way expect it to influence your views.  It has to happen to you...  My point though is that for anything like that to happen.. you would first have to decide what it would be that would convince you there is a God.  A test of sorts.  Soon after I made my test up in my mind.. things started happening.  Not things I could be "looking for" - because there were scientific checks on that - for instance in the above story there was nothing I was looking for.. it was simply an impossible coincidence. 

By the way.. Brian began looking through his pocket for the dollar to show me.... but he spent it.  I imagine on beer for the party.  Also of note.. Brian was, and still is, an atheist as far as I know.  Things affect everyone differently I guess. Another thing.. if you look in the Bible - the words "The Lion and the Lamb will Sleep Together" never appear - check for yourself if you want.

And for the record... you can use lots of different ways of explaining this away - you can say it was a coincidence.. I laugh at that.  You can say it didn't happen the way I say.. well, I swear to the God I do believe in that it did.. which is why I pointed out so many details, but you're free to think I'm wrong.  You also are free to think I'm delusional.. but I promise you I'm perfectly sane.. and for that matter - I score very well on IQ tests.. in the 160 area.  I'm not stupid.. nor insane.

But.. you are free to believe whatever you wish.  I'd prefer though you wouldn't fall back on the ignorant claims that people believe because it's a "crutch" or a "mental disease" or whatever other bullshit.  I believe because I've had evidence - the same reason a scientist believes in anything he does.  I don't believe because I wanted to.. matter of fact - It's kind of a pain in the ass.  It's as if I have this figure looking over my shoulder constantly -- and I haven't changed any of my ways.. I have this guy that sees me masturbate.. cuss.. drink.. fuck.. and generally waste my life - not exactly something I enjoy, but I don't really have a choice in the matter.  That's the nature of belief - you either do or don't.

Another point about the "crutch" thing .. many people say you believe it because you want to believe in a "sky daddy" or some other tripe.  Let me ask you this... can you believe something you don't believe?  What if you want to?  Can you believe the sky is plaid because you want to believe it?  No, you can't.  You believe what you believe - not for some other reason.. but because YOU DO.