HellRaySinAngel's blog: "BLOG"

My husband and my financial situation isn’t that great right now. The bills need paid and I currently don’t have a job to back this up. I know that I quit my job thinking I would better myself if I did but, I don’t know at this point if it was the right thing to do. The electric bill is 2 months behind. Bill didn’t pay it the previous month lord only knows why he didn’t maybe he forgot. The cable/ internet bill is 2 months behind as well. I can understand this one he was waiting to get his new cards in the mail so he could pay it by debit card. I currently am looking for a job but, no luck! Well I shouldn’t say luck because I am not really pushing hard enough. I am trying to get my sleep schedule under control which isn’t working out as great as I think it could be. I am so depressed that I don’t even want to get out of bed reason being I don’t want time to think about things. When I think too much I get myself into trouble. When I get my job I know things will be better. I know things always get better you just have to get through the rough spots. Fair is coming up this weekend and I am worried because it costs so much and the kids are coming out which makes it cost more. I wouldn’t be worried if we weren’t behind on the bills. I have talked to Poyer I told them my payment was going to be late. They said that would be ok but, I still have to worry about my insurance.

My sex life what can I say about that other than practically non existent. We maybe have sex 4 times a month if that. I know our schedules have somewhat to blame and the fact that I am on FUBAR is another thing to blame. I go on FUBAR as a release something to calm my mind it makes me feel almost complete when I am on there and people are talking to me because Bill doesn’t like to talk. What annoys me on his side as that he never instigates sex. He never asks he never shows me that he wants to, in a way it makes me feel unattractive and once again I will bring up FUBAR people make me feel good about myself and make me feel attractive on there. Which, really bothers me because I shouldn’t need to go and find someone else to do that for me it makes me feel guilty. I never dress up anymore because it doesn’t do anything for him. He still doesn’t make advances on me. Bill never gets jealous. EVER! I have never had a time where he told me that I couldn’t wear something or couldn’t go anywhere. I have purposely done things to make him jealous and he still doesn’t care. Some people say I should be grateful for that but, I think there needs to be an in between. If you say my man is great for not being jealous get a guy that does that and then tell me that. You don’t feel appreciated, respected in a way, or a treasure to him. I know husbands don’t after a while tell you they are beautiful but, husbands should tell their wives that they are beautiful every once in a while to let their wives know that they adore them. I can’t say that I am the best person in the world half the time I think its me that I am creating these issues. I am not enjoying sex the way that I used to. My libido has gone in the crapper. I wish it weren’t that way! Then there are other times when I just think he has sex just to have sex for his pleasure he never just takes his time.  When I ask for a back massage he complains about doing it yet, when he is in pain I always am there rubbing his back because I love him and I want to show him that I love him by helping him with his ailment.

This is a lot to read... Trust me I know... I typed it all and then threw it in here. Don't judge me harshly because you don't exactly know what I am going through I haven't given full details.