HellRaySinAngel's blog: "BLOG"

Instructions......

Once you have been tagged, you have to write a blog with 10 weird or random things, facts, or habits about yourself. At the end, you choose at least 5 people to be tagged, listing their names. You can't tag the person who tagged you.

1. I'm a borderline hypochondriac

2. I am deathly afraid of dolls and robots

3. I don't like when people use ain't

4. I love Twilight

5. Yes I am 6'2"

6. I am a vampire freak.

7. I am addicted to games on fubar.

8. I have OCD and anxiety. Yes I have crazy meds! I don't like to clean my house for this reason or else it will be an all day task. Yes I even scrub the walls.

9. I don't like it when people don't speak proper english.

10. I am scared to death of fires and tornados.

I am going to tag: Lowell, AJ, BOOBS, Hunter, and Disturbed One

It's been exactly a week since my miscarriage. I am going through a rough time right now, so I decided to blog about it. Last Tuesday I went to my OB earlier than I wanted to. I called him with the issues I was having and he wanted me in the next day. I got there and I was worried that something was going wrong. I mean he really had to push things around to fit me in. My husband and I went to get the ultrasound done and my OB was silent for a second. I thought this can't be good. He told me there was no heartbeat could be that I wasn't as far along as I thought I was. He wanted me to come in Thursday to see if anything had changed. That night I had started sorry boys bleeding because he also told me there was a clot sitting next to the sac but, didn’t seem too concerned about it. By the time I got home I was cramping really bad. For about 4 hrs I laid on the couch with my husband and it started to get really bad. My husband told me that I needed to go to the hospital. I really didn't want to 1. we can't afford it 2. I really didn't want to be sitting in this kind of pain in the waiting room for hours. I waited a couple more min and I really couldn’t stand the pain. We got to the hospital and they brought me in right away. The dr. said ok well you are probably having a miscarriage and came in hooked me up needing an iv, drew blood, and 2 doses of morphine still wouldn’t take the pain away.  The ER doc then asked me if anyone had told me that I was anemic and I was like NO but, I pretty much knew I was and he asked me if I would allow him to admit me into the hospital. I gave that face of ummm yea no. He asked me then if my OB said it was best to stay in the hospital then would I stay and my husband said yes.  So a couple hrs later I was moved up to the maternity ward scheduled for a ultrasound. I sat there for about 2 hrs worrying about what was going on and hearing babies being born. I say its the worst thing that they bring you up there its like torture. They wake me up I’m moved down for the ultrasound she doesn't tell me anything I wait all day long and the nurse comes in and tells me that I am going to have to have a D&C I had already passed the baby but, was having issues passing other tissue, it was stuck. So I get knocked out for my D&C and wake up way later I guess I had a hard time waking up. Wed. when I got home which was like 5 PM at that time I laid down on the couch and slept all night. Thursday I was asleep all day. Friday my pregnant sister who is 7 almost 8 months along asked me to go to lunch with her. It was so hard. She kept telling me that "God obviously knew that you weren’t ready. At least you know you can conceive." blah blah blah which was being more hurtful than helpful. I found myself jealous of her that she has had 3 pregnancies all have been fine. I don't care how small it was IT WAS STILL MY BABY! I have been pretty OK all weekend but, today I just feel like I have been hit hard and I am all emotional again. It's rough and nobody knows what you are going through unless they have been through it before. My body doesn't want to return back to normal. I’m tired so tired. Highly emotional. I just want my baby back. My follow up appointment is on Nov. 4th so I will then know when it’s ok to try again. Hopefully there will be a safe pregnant Hellz in 3-4 months. I really don’t think I could go through this again. So now I have 2 angel babies. 1 due to an abortion and another due to miscarriage. I pray that this next one will stick. I know this is long and most people wont make it through the whole thing. But I needed to put it all down.

Much Love,
Hellz

Let us not forget the memories of people we have lost but, don't let us dwell upon their death. Very few people come into your life that can change your way on thinking how people can be so good to one another. This blog is to let what is weighing on my mind out as to maybe helping you get whatever is weighing you down out.
I lost a very true friend this weekend to Lung Cancer. One of those friends who would go out of their way and ask nothing in return. He had been battling cancer for the past two years and always being upbeat about it. Saying he wasn't going to die from the cancer but, was going to die another way. THE CANCER WAS NOT GOING TO GET HIM! I truly think this is one of the reasons he survived as long as he did; he didn't let it bring him down. All through this time he was finding jobs that paid under the table because he didn't want to sit at home and do nothing. Doing that was just going to bring him down. For the past 5 weeks he was in and out of the hospital, his lungs continued to collapse over and over again. Each surgery was a danger to his heath. Finally his family made a decision that he would come home with hospice. He didn't want to eat he dropped an enormous amount of weight. Finally on Sat. 9/26/09 he passed away at the age of 37.

If you have had anyone pass away in your life (friends or family) and the pain of losing them is weighing you down, let whatever it is on your mind out; that way you can be at peace. Please feel free to comment or pm me. Through the help of friends and family we can all get through sad times together.

My husband and my financial situation isn’t that great right now. The bills need paid and I currently don’t have a job to back this up. I know that I quit my job thinking I would better myself if I did but, I don’t know at this point if it was the right thing to do. The electric bill is 2 months behind. Bill didn’t pay it the previous month lord only knows why he didn’t maybe he forgot. The cable/ internet bill is 2 months behind as well. I can understand this one he was waiting to get his new cards in the mail so he could pay it by debit card. I currently am looking for a job but, no luck! Well I shouldn’t say luck because I am not really pushing hard enough. I am trying to get my sleep schedule under control which isn’t working out as great as I think it could be. I am so depressed that I don’t even want to get out of bed reason being I don’t want time to think about things. When I think too much I get myself into trouble. When I get my job I know things will be better. I know things always get better you just have to get through the rough spots. Fair is coming up this weekend and I am worried because it costs so much and the kids are coming out which makes it cost more. I wouldn’t be worried if we weren’t behind on the bills. I have talked to Poyer I told them my payment was going to be late. They said that would be ok but, I still have to worry about my insurance.

My sex life what can I say about that other than practically non existent. We maybe have sex 4 times a month if that. I know our schedules have somewhat to blame and the fact that I am on FUBAR is another thing to blame. I go on FUBAR as a release something to calm my mind it makes me feel almost complete when I am on there and people are talking to me because Bill doesn’t like to talk. What annoys me on his side as that he never instigates sex. He never asks he never shows me that he wants to, in a way it makes me feel unattractive and once again I will bring up FUBAR people make me feel good about myself and make me feel attractive on there. Which, really bothers me because I shouldn’t need to go and find someone else to do that for me it makes me feel guilty. I never dress up anymore because it doesn’t do anything for him. He still doesn’t make advances on me. Bill never gets jealous. EVER! I have never had a time where he told me that I couldn’t wear something or couldn’t go anywhere. I have purposely done things to make him jealous and he still doesn’t care. Some people say I should be grateful for that but, I think there needs to be an in between. If you say my man is great for not being jealous get a guy that does that and then tell me that. You don’t feel appreciated, respected in a way, or a treasure to him. I know husbands don’t after a while tell you they are beautiful but, husbands should tell their wives that they are beautiful every once in a while to let their wives know that they adore them. I can’t say that I am the best person in the world half the time I think its me that I am creating these issues. I am not enjoying sex the way that I used to. My libido has gone in the crapper. I wish it weren’t that way! Then there are other times when I just think he has sex just to have sex for his pleasure he never just takes his time.  When I ask for a back massage he complains about doing it yet, when he is in pain I always am there rubbing his back because I love him and I want to show him that I love him by helping him with his ailment.

This is a lot to read... Trust me I know... I typed it all and then threw it in here. Don't judge me harshly because you don't exactly know what I am going through I haven't given full details.