Icarus's blog: "Augurs, Martyrs, and Agnostics"

Two nights in a row I lost something from either a copy/paste issue, or a browser crash... probably the 8th time this week

I think I'd better start writing in a notepad offline again, and transferring it back here.

Puts me in a different state of mind though...
less casual.

Uh... the pertinent information?

I wanted to talk about cuts.
Thousands of unseen injuries that you don't feel until the skin splits and you start to bleed.

Because I hurt. I picked up a box today that weighed 2/5ths my weight.
And the tension of unfinished projects, starting a new job, and estranged friends... and pending legal red tape is leaving me feeling a bit...

tested?

I'm definitely not myself lately.
Because my self for the last two years has been sitting in the dark, full of rage and self-pity, and this self is picking up the pieces again, hell... this self already has all the pieces, a plan, self-drawn directions to put them back in a better form, and a barrel of super glue.

... I'm speaking in metaphor.

I hope some of you can pick out which parts you are in that statement.

Other parts are not present on Fubar, but they're represented.

I don't know what to say.

Really. I've been waiting for this day
for this chance
for this trigger.

Four years...

So many bad things have happened in between too...
like Justin Bieber.

I dunno what comes next...
I'm scared it won't go through, but that'd be an unforgiveable injustice
on top of an unforgiveable injustice
on top of an unforgiveable injustice.

The least they could do is pretend they never threatened to beat me to death in a field outside of town... or denied me medical attention for multiple fractures, or sapped all the money I had saved to leave the state,
or ramrodded me with no opportunity to defend myself.

I guess I do the grownup thing... and live.

I don't think this is a forgive and forget thing... but maybe an exhile and avoid thing?

Afterall, why would I thank someone for shackling me for four years and then finally releasing me?

There's a lot to work out here...
there's a great potential for relief... but maybe something more harmful than ambivalence lingers.