Icarus's blog: "Augurs, Martyrs, and Agnostics"

Move damn it.

The burn on my shoulder is still raised and puffy.
My jeans are still ragged.

Light.
Drag.
Exhale.

Last night's a haze.
Last week...

This headache isn't getting any softer.
This drain is only getting louder.

And only fourteen hours to go.

Just enough for cigarettes and twelve packs.
What the fuck am I doing?

What was it all for?

Is this what my lifeless aims have come to?

Half-hearted swings.
Noncommital shrugs.

What exactly is left?
And is it worth saving?







Could it get any worse with you?
Over there

We could pretend we're a village.
A home.
A family.


For a while at least.

Would it be this bad?

Things went weird
and then really bad last night.
Really bad.

I had no direct involvement, but I'm kinda on damage control/keep the pigs out duty. It is a pretty familiar scenario, so I'm in an advisory position.
Sucks that this comes on the night I get some phone numbers and highfives and praise of my prose.

I mean, seriously- people want to read my prose.
That's new.
And I read it out loud.
To strangers.
That's really new.

Guess it's coming from some bolstered confidence, and the recent opening of a new public-internet blog (which will probably be a repost of a TON of my stuff from here, and then populated with new content)

I'm worried about my friends and the shit they're in right now, but...
with the bad there was also tremendous good.
I got to hold a baby!
Under 8 lbs.

Holy crap that's a tiny person.

Like... he has a heart. And tiny lungs. And tiny fingers...
I totally want a couple of those.

Not the lungs, the tiny people.

They're so cool >> and they could be ANY thing.


















But I'm still in a weird... lockdown, caution, protect mode.

The woods are not cleared yet, and if need be, I could make a trip to Canadastan.

Also-
father of my god daughter fucked up his back.
He's being transported from sandbox to sandbox.

Also a giant pile of suck.























But I did get to hold a baby.
That was pretty damn neat.

I've actually held a lot of babies.

It's always neat.
Even when you're worried about holding their neck wrong, or dropping them, or what that BIG wiggle was.

1. What's your middle name? I have two!

2. What are you listening to right now? The hum of my AC... *puts on something by "The Pillows"*

3. What was the last thing you ate? A roast beef and spinach sandwich on wheat with coarse mustard and hoarseradish.

4. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? uuuuh... my dad? Picked up for someone else.

5. Do you drink? Oh my yes.

6. Do you smoke? Cigars. Smoked a cigarette for the first time in three years this week, in my defense I was drunk and hateful.

7. What is the first thing you noticed in someone? Sharpness/guile. I'm a very cautious person.

8. What is your hair color? Copper.

9. What is your eye color? Onyx.

10. Do you wear contacts/glasses? Glasses.

11. Dogs or cats? Dogs. Cats are up their own ass.

12. What's your favorite animal? My doggy.

13. What's your favorite television show? Good Eats/Iron Chef/MASH.

14. What's your favorite movie? Ikiru.

15. What's your favorite band/singer? Nine Inch Nails/Sinatra

16. How old are you? 27... god damn

17. Do you have a crush on anyone? Y'know... I do. And she's way too cool to like me.

18. What's your sexual orientation? Straight

19. What's your favorite color? German blue.

20. What was your most embarrassing moment? Probably puking and crying on someone's porch.

21. Do you ever wish you were someone else? I'm pretty god damn awesome.

22. What were you like when you were a kid? A shorter, fatter version of me.

23. What would your dream house be like? Secluded. Secure. Storm-proof.

24. What last made you laugh? Anger.

25. What is your favorite word? Rectory.

26. What is your least favorite word? Cancer

27. What turns you on? More than anything, hips.

28. What turns you off? Dishonesty and promiscuity.

29. What is your star sign? Aquarius

30. What are your favorite books? Catcher in the Rye. The Hobbit.

31. Do you have any siblings? One older brother, a sortof little brother, and a sortof older brother.

32. Do you like to dance? Only when I can get away with it.

33. What is your definition of cheating? ... cheating. Remember that dishonest/promiscuous thing?

34. Have you ever cheated on someone? Nope.

35. Do you regret anything? Yeap/

36. Do you have any phobias? Tons. Biggest is people.

37. Ever broken any bones? Fractured. Several places.

38. Ever come close to death? More than once.

39. What is your religion, if any? You could consider me a Buddhist, but it's more of a lifestyle attempt than a religion.

40. Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist? Yes, usually against my will. ... always against my will.

41. Are looks important in a relationship? Yes. I need to like your face hips smile and eyes when I'm fucking you.

42. Are you more like your mom or your dad? I'm like a very angry, exhausted version of my dad (real nice, measured guy) with my mom's "to hell with this shit" attitude.

43. What is your favorite season? Winter.

44. Do you have any tattoos? No, I have one designed, but no real intention of getting one.

45. Do you have any piercings? Nope.

47. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? Oh my yes... do porn characters count?

48. Who is your celebrity crush? Eve Lawrence. She's an overlooked pornstar in this era of Gianna's, "amateurs" and one and dones. And Carrie Byron. HO MAN! ... Carrie Byron.

49. Are you a virgin? No.

50. Do you get jealous easily? Probably, but only in a relationship.

51. What is your favorite type of food? Spanish.

52. Do you ever want to get married? Probably.

53. Who was your first kiss with? Girl named Ashley, I was at a church function.

54. Have you ever been cheated on? Yes, and now more than once.

55. What is your idea of the perfect date? Something laid back and quiet.

56. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Introvert.

57. Do you believe in aliens or life on other planets? I do.

58. What talent do you wish you'd been born with? cybernetic engineering.

59. What is your saddest memory? Dogs.

60. Do you believe in love at first sight? Lust.

61. Do you believe in soul mates? I met mine. She married some asshole.

62. Have you ever dyed your hair? Dear god no.

63. Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you? Regularly. The best were the ones no one believed. No one.

64. Would you go against your moral code for money? ... No.

65. What are three things most people don't know about you? I'd probably stab you in the heart, in front of witnesses if I was legitimately threatened.

66. Who are you jealous of? Rich assholes that do nothing but ripoff other people's ideas like that Zuckerberg twat, or Gates.

67. Do you sleep with a stuffed toy? Only if my doggy puts it in my bed.

68. How long was your longest relationship? 9 months.

69. Is the glass half empty or half full? You should be more concerned about the bottle.

70. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? Fuck raw in a public place. Happened. Hope it happens again.

71. Who is your most loyal friend? Chris.

72. Are you in a relationship? No.

73. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? Probably her hips.

74. Are you a bad person? I'm trying really hard to do right.

75. Are you a lover or a fighter? Would-be-murderer.

76. What did you do on your last birthday? ... I do not remember. I think I went to dinner with my folks and read a book.

77. What is your favorite quote and why? Belief in a cruel god makes a cruel man. Thomas Paine.

78. If your best friend died, what would you do? Go on a killing spree.

79. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be? I'd be afraid of altering the time line...

80. If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do? Get the highscore.

81. What is the strangest dream you've ever had? There are a ton. I think the ones where I woke up strangled and sweaty are up there.

82. Are you happier single or in a relationship? Depends on how god awful the previous relationship was.

83. Who were you in a past life? I've been a dog a few times.

84. What is your happiest childhood memory? My childhood wasn't particularly happy, I'm not a particularly happy person.

85. Have you ever experienced unrequited love? Yes.

86. Have you ever had an imaginary friend? Yes.

87. If you were the president, what would you do? Declare myself dictator for life, institute mandatory taxation of the uber rich, implement an aggressive jobs plan, cut military spending, deweaponize as much nuclear material as possible to be repurposed as energy, develope "dragon skin" armor for all infantry, grants and tax incentives for cleaner air and folks to grow their own food, find a way to undo the madness of the nuclear age

88. What is your ideal career? novelist

89. What is your political affiliation? Further left than most.

90. Are you conservative or liberal? see above

91. Is the male or female body closest to perfection? Yes.

92. Do you like kissing in public? I don't like seeing it, but I like doing it.

93. If you could change one thing in the world, what would you change? the madness of mutually assured destruction.

94. Where would you like to live? Some place secluded and safe.

95. Where would you go on your dream vacation? some place secluded and safe.

96. Describe yourself in one word. Terror.

97. Describe yourself in one sentence. A terrorized introvert screaming into the internet with angry prose.

98. Where do you see yourself in five years? Doing your wife. Hopefully employed full time, in a healthy relationship, and paying off a house.

99. What is your greatest accomplishment? Doing your wife. ... helping others.

100. What is the meaning of life? 42.

... put on Rosalita, on loop if you have to.

Alright, tonight I went to a full moon party.

Whatever that means.

Took a light nap, and had an out with some organ pain.

Things were pretty slow.
In a weird tense way.

Tiny redhead showed, and gave no indication.
No sign.

So by around 10:30 I was ready to pack up and drink at home, but as about six people left, six more showed.

Guy I hit on.
Pseudo-brother, and his girlfriend.

That's about six right?

Things happened.
I got a call
and was sincerely advised to fuck someone tonight.











"That's not happening"

"Why not?"

"I just aint got that kinda appeal babe"

















Smoked my first cigarette in 3 years.
Went on a beer run with the little, and talked about his upcoming tour.

And the weirdness we find ourselves in.

I wanted to talk about something else, but he didn't really bite.

2 40's, six pack, and a couple reds.

We killed over half of it.

Just chilled after that

but the damndest thing happened >>

lil's girlfriend gave me a hug

"hope that's not weird"

and paid me multiple very flattering compliments.


"I wish I had a book of your one-liners, they always crack me up"

I raised an eyebrow
and laughed like a pirate

"When you talk to dogs it's the cutest thing ever"

"That's because I'm part dog"
(as I pet two dogs at the same time)








and then she painted a big crazy sigil on the top of my hand




I don't remember talking much during that.
I mostly remember my hand on her knee... and trying to remember I care a lot more about her boyfriend than her.














I guess the moral of the story is
chicks with boyfriends love me >>




more things happened


I beat my old high score.







Danced with my lesbian friend.
Had a couple crossed wires, she's used to leading- and I almost dropped her on a dip XD

woops.











And then I talked about dogs.
And robots.












Folks went to bed.
Folks went home.

"I'm glad you came over, you're always looking after people, y'know?"

"comes natural"

"Yeah, but I guess I'm just saying I'm not a good mom... I want to just have a good time"

"I like doing nice stuff for people- and it keeps peace with your roommate"

"yeah, I'm scared of him"

"Scared? Why, he's a nice guy"

"I dunno, I  guess I've done a lot of stuff that lost his respect"

... I wanted to tell her that she had done several somethings to lose my respect.

But I guess loyalty, hope, and empathy are my failings.














It's not like I've never been tempted, never strayed, never faltered.


















I'm kinda the odd mid-fielder in this group.

Weird position to be in, but I'm trying to empathize, and relate to everyone- even if there are some idealogies and actions in direct conflict with each other.

And I'm in the middle.
Speaking sensibly.










Maybe not the coolest guy, but in an awkward, sincere way
the coolest guy.











... and then there's a party tomorrow too >>

There's a blot between disgust and disdain.
Calculating the moment you knew, and I didn't.
When my dignity got caught all up in it.

I remember feeling, and then not.
But not in the same night.

I remember a swift burn of vanilla and a fuzzy wobble down the hall.
I remember both her arms wrapped around me.
Shakey.
Stable.
Safe.

You.
Did this to me.

Wet porches smell just like limestone...
and a sunrise that never came.

No post-sex wrapup and cigarette.

Pants.
Check.

Keys.
Check.

Leg kicking against wood floors,
neck cramps,
pair of flea bites.
And very dirty socks.

"Hey."
"Hey."

"I'm gonna take off."
"Yeah."

"Yeah."









Every now and then
I find fairly delicate hands in mine.

Looks.
Lingery looks.

Often without any deeper meaning.

Those are the best.
Sometimes.

I could do something uncool
tell you I'd miss you
tell you I want to take you home
and maybe show you that sunrise that never came...

Have you ever:

    Kissed your cousin:  No. This is not Arkansas.
    Run away: Yeah. Stayed in the woods for a few hours.
    Gotten arrested: Unfortunately.
    Played with fire: Oh my... yes. It was pretty.
    Broken someone’s heart: Probably.
    Been in love: Probably.
    Cried when someone died: Yeah, but sometimes it takes work.
    Wanted someone you knew you couldn’t have: Hah, who hasn't?
    Broken a bone: Fractured several.
    Been drunk: Yes.
    Lied: Probably.
    Cheated on someone: Nope. High road's a bitch.

Which is Better:

    Coke or Pepsi: RC
    Sprite or 7-up: Sevenup
    Hot or Cold: Cold.
    Flowers or Candy: Candy.
    Scruffed or Clean Shaved: I'm scruffy.
    Quiet or Loud: Depends.
    Brunette or Dirty Blond: Red.
    Flirty or not Flirty: Depends on the situation and alcohol content.
    Tall or short: I prefer my women short, but tall women dig me.
    Pants or shorts: Jeans.

With the Opposite Sex:

    What do you notice first: Figure. And that's a broad, vague answer.
    Last person you slow danced with: uuuh can't remember, my aunt?
    Worst Question: wanna see my dick?

The Last Time:

    Showered: Less than 12 hours ago.
    Flirted with someone you’re not dating/married to: 20 seconds ago?
    Were hit on: Possibly tonight, I have trouble picking up on these things.
    Ran: Today.

What is your favorite:

    Person you miss most: My brother. He lives in Mormonplace.
    Best thing that has happened this week: curling a tiny woman.
    Color(s): German blue.
    Movie: Ikiru.
    Place to visit: Home.
    Juice: Orange.
    Cars: Mitsubishi Lancer Evo V (or VII)
    Ice Cream: A well made vanilla.
    T.V. shows: Good eats. Iron Chef. MASH. Frasier.
    Season: Fall
    Breakfast food: Corned beef hash.
    Song: Too difficult to answer, depends on mood.
    Favorite food: Mine.

Who:

    Makes you laugh the most: I don't laugh that much. Probably Chris.
    Makes you smile: Probably doggy.
    Can make you feel better no matter what: Sleep.
    Has a crush on you: Hell if I know.
    Do you have a crush on someone: More than one.
    Who has it easier: Hell if I know.
    Who gives you a funny feeling when you see them: I get nauseus leaving the house >>

Do You Ever:

    Regret not telling someone how you really feel about them: yes
    Save text messages: yes
    Save emails: not really
    Wish you were someone else: not really. I'm pretty damn awesome.
    Wish you were a member of the opposite sex: Not particularly. I kinda love my cock.

Best:

    Position: Lotus.
    Cologne: ?
    Perfume: ??
    Accent: Southeast Kansas.
    TV Station: Those are still things? PBS.
    Day of the week: Saturday.

Have You:

    Fallen for your best friend: My best friends are dudes.
    Been caught stealing: Yes. Once. When I was five. We didn't just give in...
    Been hand-cuffed: Yes.
    Been in love: Maybe?
    Been in lust: Oh my. Yes.
    Used someone: Probably.
    Sexted someone: Recently.
    Been cheated on: Yes.
    Been dumped: Yes.
    Done something illegal: Yes.
    Done something you regret: Yes.

Who’s the Last you…:

    Saw you last: My dog
    You talked to: My dog
    You hugged: My dog.
    You kissed: My dog.
    You instant messaged: Chris
    You yelled at: My mother. Almost lost my dog.
    You laughed with: Terry.
    You said, “I love you” to and meant it: My dog!
    Cried with: can't remember
    Made fun of: my dog.

Other Information:

    Natural hair color: Red
    Have tattoos: nope
    Skyped: probably
    Wear boxers: Regularly. Nut huggers hurt my ample bulge.
    Have a secret that no one knows: Probably, but if they knew -how- to ask me I'd probably tell someone.
    Romantically kissed someone of the same sex: Never romantically, hilariously though...
    Clean a lot: No. God no.
    Like to walk: Not particularly, but I don't avoid it.
    Like to sing: I only sing when I'm sad or drunk.
    Dance alone: I dance with myself often... if you know what I mean.

Have you/Do you/Are you:

    Stolen anything: yes, especially music.
    Smoke: yes cigars
    Perverted: Probably. Wanna see my doodle?
    Obsessive: Neurotic, calculating. Not obsessive.
    Horny: Usually.
    Been drunk: Yes. In the last 24 hours even.
    Panic: Yes. In the last 24 hours even.
    Confused about who you love: Not really.
    Favorite thing to do: Have an orgasm.

More Information:

    Name:
    Birthdate: 1/20/85
    Birthplace: Kansas
    Current location: Kansas
    Eye Color: Onyx
    Hair Color: Red.
    Righty or Lefty: Switch with right dominance
    Zodiac Sign: Aquarius
    Innie or Outtie: innie

What is…..:

    The worst pickup line used on you: "I like your hands" ... ? I dunno guys don't get picked up.
    Your thoughts first waking up: peepeetime.
    Your best physical feature: my hair, but it's starting to retreat and fade
    Your least favorite physical feature: scars, uneven skin, ever-shrinking spare tire
    Your most missed memory: uuuuh... *shrugs*

Opposite Sex…:

    Best eye color: don't really care
    Best hair color: black, red, or pink
    Short or long hair: yes. It really depends.
    Best height: I like my women around 5'4, but tall chicks love me >>
    Shaved or trimmed: Bald and smoothe.
    Best first date location: I hate going out... my place for dinner, I cook.
    Best first kiss location: never really cared. I try to go for it when and where I can.

Number of…:

    People I could trust with my life: 3 if you don't count me, and you DO count my dog.
    People you have slept with: I've made love to one woman in my life.
    Piercings: Just my heart. BAHAH!!!
    Tattoos: None. Had a neat geometric sleave designed but I hate commitment and trends.
    Times my name has appeared in a newspaper: *shrugs* over 4 I'd say.
    Scars on my body: Dozens?
    Things in my past that I regret: Dozens?

Right now….:

    Wearing: 550's indigo, green 1up shirt, pine/tan custom chuck taylors, novelty boxers, socks
    Drinking: Water
    Thinking about: Benchpressing flyweights.
    Listening to: Hum of my air conditioner.

Do you Believe in……:

    Yourself: Some days, there are some extra hurdles.
    Your friends: Depends on the friend.
    Magic: Not really, but I'm a bit of a mystic.
    Lust at first sight: Oh my, yes.
    Destiny/Fate: Nope.
    Angels: Nope.
    Ghosts: Nope.
    Aliens: I believe in the probability of alien life... actually we confirmed it on the microbeal level.
    God: Wow, that's a tough one. I believe in Ted.

Tonight centered around some porch talk.
And drama.
And prolonged panic attacks.

I didn't really settle in til I had a bottle of water, and some light conversation.

... there's the cue for Pete.

Weird timing.

I got the offer to be someone's father.
Twice.

... does that even make sense?

"I think he should just live here, he's a great guy, he can cook, and he's always cleaning up whenever something falls over or there's broken glass, or closing the door so the dog doesn't get out".

"yeah! he could have our little pagan babies and teach them to cook for hot ladies, and teach them to be clever!"

...

That happened.

So did drinking too much rum, and hitting on a GORGEOUS guy.

... serious.

I just
had to say something.

Rum emboldened me.
So I told him he was beautiful.

He told me I was beautiful too... and then he asked if I was gay.

I smiled and said "no... at least I don't think I am".


But I'm pretty sure I was blushing.



Then tail-wag tiny redhead and I got the demons out.
Talked a while.

And she claimed she weighed 90lbs...
I picked her up with ease, curled her a few times (to uproarous laughter) and told her

"I'm thinking more like 80".

"nooooo"

... so I did it again.

"yeah. 80."

And there was drama.

Making out with the wrong people
at the wrong times
at the pretty not fucking cool times
possibly hurting people I care about.

And that sucked.
In a big way.

She (different chick) even gave me a sideways grin, and ... I think tried to drag me out the door with her when she left.

In a not-so-just-friends way.

Greatest failure of the night?

Not getting a kiss goodnight.

Got a lot of hugs.

And a TON of high fives for some reason >>












I guess I'm still lonely
and a volatile, ass grabbing, flirtatious drinker.

Some people have decided to find that charming.













I feel like I'm leaving something out.
Possibly a big something, or a dozen small somethings.

*shrugs*

Had some zingers.
Had one too many.
Don't like being drunk around people... even if I get to grab a couple people
and tell em they're beautiful.