hearts Mzz Hyna hearts i hearts my best ...'s blog: "trying to find my way..."

So I think I can actually say im happy...its nice to be content with life...not really anything new has happened...I dated this one guy for a while and things didn't work out and I still talk to him and we are still friends...I think its so cool that we are friends with him tho...he truely is a nice guy but he is just to busy for me to be his girlfriend and im fine with that cuz he is finishing school and that's more important...it may have hurt my feelings at first but im happy for him...since then I did start dating someone...we have officially been dating now for less then a week but I have known him for 4 years...he is a great guy he makes me so happy and we have so much fun...I do feel bad cuz he is here for a month and a half before he gets deployed and ill be leaving to mexico for a month in just a few days...it sucks cuz he will be gone for 18 months...im totally gonna miss him...

well it's been a long time since the last time i was on and the last time i wrote a blog...there really hasn't been much going on...i started dating this one guy and he was kind of controlling which i don't know in a way it was nice to know he cared but it sucked cuz i couldn't do n e thing with out him getting mad...i don't kno i'm thinking i pick assholes but then maybe it's just me and my taste in guys...it was weird tho cuz i have known this guy for over a year we use to talk all the time and then we lost touch for a while and then out of no where he started talkin to me again...it was cool tho until he started telling me that he loves me...it's something that of course any girl wants to hear because she wants to be loved but it's something that is weird...he asked me to marry him and then things just got kinda weird from there...i told him about my best friend and that i really care for my best friend and that i would never give up that friendship again for a guy like i did before...i don't think he liked that to much but it's the truth...me and my best friend are really close and we have never messed around but he knows everything about me...so after things got weird it was basically called quits between us...i think he is totally sweet and he did everything for me...he wanted to take care of me...when i told him i want to go back to school he told me i could live with him and he would pay for me to go to school and i would never have to worry about working...so i don't kno...it's everything that i wanted but not the person i wanted it with...it's weird tho cuz i still talk to my ex...things are different now...i cared so much before about things he said and why he said them but now i'm starting to really not to care at all...it sucks tho cuz the one person i cared about and did everything for is the one person that makes me not want to care about n e thing anymore...it's confusing tho...we aren't together and i know we will never be but some of the things he says bothers me...one day he tells me that he's glad that i don't talk to him n e more and then he starts talkin to me again like nothing...it irritates me that he could be so hurtful and then expect for things to be ok...of course i'm going to ask questions i'm a girl and i'm curious...he tells me he misses me and i honestly do miss him and how we use to be but i know nothing will ever bring that back or change what has happened...i was talkin to a good friend of mine today and i told him that me and my ex had lots of good times together but then there were lots of bad times...i can't help my feelings and it sucks cuz if n e thing him talking to me again has gotten me thinking about him again but i know it's a waist of time and energy...so i went to the bar hung out with my friend and it was fun he got me dancing (which i never do) lolz we talked alot about the past and things that have happened...it's nice to be hugged and he always knows the right time to hug me...but n e who...the whole friend situation is starting to be phuked up too but i'm done with ppl who don't know how to be who they say they want to be...i need ppl who are what they say they are in my life with no bull shyt...so i'm leaving to virginia for a few days if everything works out and then i'll be either moving to beaverton oregon or i'll be moving to temple texas...either way the quicker i get out of this town the happier i'll be cuz i won't have any of the bull shyt following me i'll be able to start fresh and hopefully surround my self with ppl who are real and maybe be i'll find that someone who is my everything and i'm their everything...i'm starting to think i'll only find that if i move to texas tho because that seems to be the place where the person who i have been in love with is and will be for family reasons and i know his family loves me to no end because they say i have been nothing but good to him and for him keeping him out of trouble which is nice to know i am apperciated some where else besides right here with my family... ♥ Maria ♥

Ok so i must admit when this all happened i was relieved but i was also sad...so last night i was angery cuz my ex who made it seem like he still wanted to be with me got caught with a whole group of girls last night and yeah at first it made me angery but then i come to realize we aren't together so why should i be when i can be out doing the same thing and hanging out with a bunch of guys...so i had planned to write him something on yahoo telling him off but then i thought why??? so i didn't do it...well he wrote to me today and yeah i was still a lil ticked and i mentioned it to him and suggested that he go talk to one of those girls and he had the nerve to ask me what was with my attitude...so if n e thing...i told him it don't matter cuz i was talkin to a doctor today and the doctor told me that if i'm so unhappy then why keep holding on and why not just let go...so i told him that was exactly what i was going to do...i was gonna just stop...stop care...stop trying...and i mentioned to him that i had a blind date which was actually supposed to be a group date but kind of a blind date and he got mad and started callin me a beezy which he knows i hate...so he starts to tell me it's over but mind you it's been over for about a lil over a month which yeah we got in an arguement and didn't really talk for a few days and then we hung out for two weeks and then we haven't really talked for about another two weeks...then he tells me to stop talkin to him while i still have a lil bit of dignity...which i'm sorry but i wasn't even trying to get back with him i was just trying to get my shyt back from him so we could finally call it quits...i mean this way i had absolutely no reason to even try to get a hold of him and he had no reason to get a hold of me and we can just stop talkin and get out of each others lives...now the reason i was sad was cuz yes i love him...i told him i love him and it's just one of those things to me that when you say it you mean it or don't say it at all...honestly i still love him even after he has been a complete and total ass to me but i realize that it would never work cuz we are totally different...the things i want out of life are things that he talks about but seems to not really care if he gets them or not...and i'm one of those ppl that work at getting what i want...the worse part is that i changed things about my self because he wanted me to and now i feel like all this was done in an effort to make him happy instead of my self...what can i say...i am a stupid girl that does stupid things when it comes to guys especially because i cared so much...maybe i should be less giving and become a bitch...maybe then i'll get what i'm looking for...it seems to be the way of the world today...either way it don't matter n e more...i'm just so tired of trying for nothing cuz it seems like that's all i do...so now i will possibly be helping a friend look for an apartment that i might live in and he just comes up on weekends...which i think it would be cool...so if he decides to he an be my sugar daddy...lolz jk...but n e who as for relationships tho...i think i give up for now and i'll just wait for my best friend...he seems to be the only one who don't play games with me and is always straight up...which is why i have been in love with that fool for the past 5 years...and if n e thing our arguements make us stronger in our friendship then arguements i have that seem to tear me away from other ppl...so i don't know it's been almost 2 years since my last serious relationship and maybe it's gonna be another 2 years before i try that again...live and learn is all i can say...