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it still makes me laugh til I cry..... (the read is worth it)
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!
#1 When you break her heart, the pain never really goes away.
The turning of a new year just around the corner, for most of us, it makes us reflect over the past year, making promises to ourselves to change this, that or the other, setting inside goals, hoping to make achievements in our lives, little stepping stones of reward along our twisting little lives. The new year begins in a snow storm of white vows.
Of course it is also the time for being sentimental, showing gratitude for the positives, shedding tears for the negatives, lingering moments of wishing we'd done something differently, maybe lowering our heads as we momentarily regret an action and feeling that twang within our hearts for those that are absent in one way or another.
New Year's eve is like every other night really, there is no pause in the march of the universe, no breathless moment of silence among created things that the passage of another twelve months may be noted and yet nobody has quite the same thoughts this evening that come with the coming of darkness on other nights. I mean what is the old saying... An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. Makes you wonder really, which category you fall under....
Having said this, i can't help myself but look back of this year with wonderment, a smile, a twang of sadness, recognition of hope for the coming year and thankfulness for those of you who fill my world with laughter, friendship and love.
This year has been a carnival in my world. It's leaving a bittersweet taste within my mouth. It's had moments of glory and moments of utter carnage. It was a year quite honestly that i did not plan for. On January 1st last year, i knew exactly where i was going in life, i had it all planned out. Little did i know, what was actually in store for me, was the very opposite of my vision. But i can't complain...but let me tell you, this year coming, there's no plans, no visions, just very strong wants.
Looking back over this year.... i think for me these are some of the most prominent moments... Before i ramble on about them... I want to wish you all a safe New Year. May 2010 all that you hope, wish, need and want for. Slainte!~
My Top 10 2009
* Starting back to college
* Meeting my Mister
* Making Dean's List my first two semesters back
* Sticking to my guns and not giving up
* Walking through Leila Arboretum with my favorite adult person, freezing
* The smell of way of expensive coffee and peaceful surrounding
* My offspring proving once again they are "cream of the crop" and succeeding in school
* Discovering friends I never knew I had in the most unlikely places
* The shortest parade in history.. and learning of Nick's ass fascination ;)
* Will coming back from Florida. Yes he's done me majorly wrong, but he's also been a lifesaver at times.
* The moment I knew my butterflies = madly in love
* Finally coming to terms with myself and my history. My life should be lived for me and not to gain the recognition of unworthy people.
Those are just some of the highlights of the year for me.. whats important to one person, isn't always whats important to another.. remember that. But most of all, what sticks out more than anything is the support and encouragement you have all given me. It's moments like that, you find out whom your friends are, who makes the effort and who doesn't. I sure am a very lucky girl...
I don't know where to start.
My head is spinning.
I need my best friend.
I really need my mom.
I need him to step up.
I need excedrin for this headache.
I'm out out tissues :(
I want people to stop trying to make my decisions.
I probably need sleep, it's been over 48 hrs.
I need the doctor to be more precise.
He was supposed to be my Johnny and I his Linda.
I need to stop watching his movie..
sighs.
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness, but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ''In five years, will this matter?".
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone of everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business...
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
This is something that's gone around for years n it's always been a favorite of mine even tho it makes me cry.
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF
PLASTER AND STONE.
I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY
WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO
IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.
I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,
A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,
NOT EVEN A TREE.
NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,
JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES
OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.
WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,
AWARDS OF ALL KINDS, A SOBER THOUGHT
CAME THROUGH MY MIND.
FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,
IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,
ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.
THE SOLDIER LAY ; SLEEPING,
SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR
IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.
THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,
THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED
A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.
WAS THIS THE HERO
OF WHOM I 'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,
THE FLOOR FOR A BED?
I REALIZED THE FAMILIES
THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS
WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.
SOON ROUND THE WORLD,
THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE
A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.
THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM
EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,
LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.
I COULDN'T HELP WONDER
HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE
IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.
THE VERY THOUGHT
BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES
AND STARTED TO CRY.
THE SOLDIER AWAKENED
AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
"SANTA DON'T CRY,
THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE";
I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,
I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD,
MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."
THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER
AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,
I CONTINUED TO WEEP.
I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,
SO SILENT AND STILL
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED
FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.
I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE
ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR
SO WILLING TO FIGHT.
THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA,
IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."
ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,
AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."
HE WAS HERE!!!!
God so many people swore it would not happen but it did! Damnit I laid in his arms, laid my head on his shoulder, felt his breath on my skin and had dinner in bed with him!!!
Mister was actually in my arms! *screams* IT WAS AMAZING!
Screw the haters who said it wouldn't happen and I was stupid. Fubar may be incredibly stupid as of late, but it brought me my Michael. I'm going to marry that man and have tons of babies!
He IS everything he says and more. He met the children, and they loved him. He dealt with my insane schedule, he confirmed I am HIS Princess.
Life could not be better. To fly half way around the world, literally, just to spend time with me said a lot.
Thank god for Tiff (DGAF) during my spastic moments thinking I would cbreak down. Thank you Tiff, I appreciate you.
Mister, you're my dream come true, we'll make this all work. I love you.
I'm off to go finish soaking it all in!!!!!!!
Congratulations to the idiot of the week...
WELL! I just I'm stupid then because I'm in college? I'm disappointed that he can't even seem to spell. Had he half a brain and spelled correctly I could have at least presumed he had a reason behind believing such a thing.
tsk tsk... morons.
Behavior Modification is actually part of your learning process to become a counselor, psychiatrist, psychologist or doctor of behavior. Sadly, I think you may need to visit one of the above and return to grade school to spell properly.
I am not going to name names, but if it fits, you might want to think about it. One or more may apply to the same person. If it really bothers you that one may be about you feel free to ask in my mail but do not get mad if I am honest.
1. You only talk to me when you have no one else around to speak to.
2. You ask me to rate your pictures and others stuff yet you cannot take time to rate mine unless it is NSFW.
3. You have known me for years, yet we barely speak anymore.
4. You are a constant source of laughs when you text me.
5. You only speak to me because you seem to feel obligated.
6. You were one of my sweetest friends until you decided to hang out with the wrong sorts.
7. You are MY constant, and I love you for it.
8. You have a wonderful boyfriend who adores you; I hope you do not take that for granted.
9. You have become like a big brother to me and I cherish you.
10. You always pop around my inbox just to say have a wonderful/great/magnificent day and I appreciate you for that.
11. You and I do not talk much but I think you are incredibly sweet.
12. You wake me when I am in a nightmare and comfort me.
13. You are a lot like me and it is nice to have someone who thinks like me.
14. You used to do the most oddball things that made me happy until I figured out you are not good for me.
15. You have a friend that would damn near die for you and you do not realize it.
