theapostle's blog: "THE WORD HAS BEEN SPREAD; MY WORD!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Why did you have to leave? The misery she put us through. It wasn’t fair to him or me. I was left to raise a family and I was just a kid. She died shortly after you and then again 12 years later for good. I think you’d be proud of him. He’s grown up now and looks a lot like you. I can’t say the same for me. I’ve went through life trying to catch up on all the years I missed. Honestly I wasted nothing but time and I realize that now. I was scared to open up, let my guard down, and feel for anything or one. I think I’m past that now though. Some how I found someone, did you have something to do with this? She’s been on my mind and in my heart for sometime. It’s taken awhile to let her know though. And like you taught me, I always remind her of how much I care and how I feel. One thing you never explained, how much is too much? I feel that there can’t be enough, but I don’t want to push her away. This is the one lesson I should have of learned by now. Unless I’m too much like you and the stories I’ve heard which can’t be bad because you only had one also. I know that this is the one I’m meant to be with, I’m just asking that you let me be around longer because I’ll never be able to tell her all that I want. If I have to exit early though, I hope that my one isn’t like yours was and can cherish the time we had instead of being so bitter for the times we didn’t. I know that you cared for him and me though and you always have watched out. You taught us the lessons we needed to grow from a far away place. For that we are both better men. I just need you to know that I did my best to keep your name clean. It was never the same though because I wasn’t you and she reminded me of that.

I think of a persons life is in a way like a stew. It’s a big melting pot of meat, vegetables, herbs, and spices. What I don’t get is how come I’m always told that I’m that almighty ‘SEASONING SALT”? How can so many people see the good in me when I can’t myself? People generally like me for my “BE MYSELF, LIVE OR DIE< FRIENDS BEFOR E MYSELF, TELL YOU WHAT I THINK, OPINIONATED, KNOCK YOU DOWN A FEW PEGS, FUCK YOU ALL CAUSE WE’RE THE SAME ANYWAY” attitude. Truth is I think they like me cause I say things they can’t or won’t, because they’re afraid. My norm is to stand against the grain, side with the unwanted even if there is no common ground, and to make sure that for what it’s worth the unjust of this world get told to at least a few people everyday. The truth is, I wish I could be some of you reading this, I wish I could have certain cares, desires, wants, and needs, but unfortunately those I do have I generally keep to myself. So to all of you who may pass through my lifetime I thank you for being the “SEASONING SALT” in my “LIFE’S STEW” because you made my life worth living and a lot easier to handle the taste in my mouth every morning when I wake.

These wounds will heal in time, because memories fade away. The only scars that’ll be retained are the ones that you refuse to let go. So close your eyes and dream of the place where nothing will hurt you again. Take yourself 6ft under because you refuse to believe and fight on that tomorrow will be a better day. Fuck all your responsibilities because life is easier that way. Disown your family and friends because they care. Go ahead and torment them with your self-destruction. When nobody is left to watch you die what have you really gained? Remember when you turned your back on us and the world; I did the same to you. No pity, no sorrow, no questions, no love, no forgiveness here. Life is what you make of it, how you perceive it, and how you choose to live it. You chose the cowards way and ran. I chose the heroes way and stood strong to fight for the chance of a better tomorrow. It’s hard to believe that we share the same bloodline. The pain you so happily bestowed upon me made me mutate into something more than you. Your envy is what finally did you in. I feel no remorse for being the nail in your coffin. You told me to live life with no regrets. Therefore I feel no sorrow in your chosen outcome.

Knocked down and thrown around always picking myself back up off the ground. Bear and grin it and turn the other cheek, because this is life and it’s not for the meek. Brush myself off and dig the glass out of my hand, and remember to be careful the next time something comes along which is no more than quicksand. Don’t bother to struggle because your problems will only sink you faster, remember what you are; this games master. Never worry about falling without being caught, nobody has ever been there before and you always stood tall and fought. When you appear weak and down for the count, remember who you are, where you came from, and what you’re all about. You’ve been here before on your way six feet underground, then you struck back without so much as a sound. You control your destiny and fate; just make sure that your battle is not one of anger or hate. The scars you’ve obtained along the way, is just another reminder that no matter how bad life hurts; you’re strong enough to live and see another day. Nothing can bring you the freedom you desire, from your hell here on earth unless you’re prepared to walk on the embers and extinguish every single fire. The battle you fight is the one within your head and can be won, all you must do is stay true to your beliefs, heart, and you shall once again; OVERCOME

People get used all the time. Whether you want to admit it or not Even those you care about have used you at some point It all depends on the degree of which they used you if you choose to recognize it or not. I’ve been used several times to help people understand that it’s better to speak your mind then letting things lie beneath the surface and tear you down inside. The ting that bothers me the most about all of this is that maybe I feel that a certain level of respect is owed and it seems like those I choose to care about can’t seem to show me the same as what I show them. I don’t get hurt by this because 9/10 time I choose not to feel and the one time that I do I have a cut off switch built into me. I have the ability at what seems like the flick of a switch to go from caring to not at all. Sure you can call this a wall of some sorts, but maybe the wall is still there cause I’ve never found anyone as genuine or pure as me and how I am when comes to wearing my heart on my sleeve. People are to often caught up in the fact of how others perceive them so that won’t share feelings or show emotions. I wouldn’t say I’ve ever gotten hurt by being like this, maybe just disappointed at times by those I chose to care for or give a little bit of an effort too. The fact is though I was able to overcome it in hopes that someday someone will be able to change my opinion on how selfish people in the world are. Right now I’m still right on how I think, but you never know. Some people have come close, but in the end there true colors show and I move on a better person and they still end up miserable. Some of you reading this will say that I seem like the one with the trust issues, but the truth is if you knew anything about my life and what I’ve been through you’d think that I’m stupid for ever having the word trust roll off my tongue. Maybe you’re right, but I believe there’s always someone out there who can teach you something and well, I’m just waiting patently for them to come along. And if they never do, I can find the pleasure in saying that I’ve seen all that life has to offer in my ventures and can say that I truly lead a life with no regrets. How many of you can actually say that???

What I was so sure of yesterday is now gone. The thoughts and dreams have disappeared. The life I was planning was never true. Things we talked about where all lies. I dove in head first and just kept falling. You asked if I was lonely and I answered honestly. NO! I should have been smart enough to ask you the same question. Once you got your fill, you were gone. SMACK!!! I’m not falling anymore. I hit the bottom hard and got hurt. I learn easy though, never again will I try a leap of faith. Never will I attempt to try my hand at love. It’s not what they say it is. Not worth the time or effort if all that going to happen is pain. I’ll stick to razors on my wrist if I want to feel this way again. It’s a much safer game of risk.

It’s the simplest things you say Do you mean to come across in such a careless way? Are you trying to hurt me with your evil personality? Or are you really oblivious to your lack of inequality Just as fast as I told you there would never be another I can quickly turn around and shut it off forever You need to understand that these emotions are new to me But some of the shit you say makes me want to go back to the way things use to be It’s not easy to open up and expose how I feel Especially when it seems all you want to do is take until I have no more to steal Are you really that bitter and unaware of how you act? Maybe you’re just to scared to look in the mirror and face the fact I know I’m blind, but I’m not dumb And you can’t fool me anymore by acting numb Just as fast as I was certain I loved you I can take it all back, shut it off, and be through too.

I’m sick and tired of this place, sick and tired of this rat race. Sick of getting no thank yous or respect in return, sick of always being the one who gets burned. Sick of how things once were, sick of how that is now just a faded blur. Sick of the fact that I ALWAYS turn the other cheek, sick of how that is considered to be weak. Sick of the people I once thought were friends, sick how I can’t wait till they get there’s in the end. Sick of nothing is ever good enough and everyone steals or uses to get more, sick and tired of waiting for karma to even the score. Sick of friends talking of how things use to be, sick that can’t see I’m still the same me. Sick of people thinking they can play me, sick that they just can’t realize how well I still can see. Sick of people trying to front like they’re strong, sick of how silly they look because they’re wrong. Sick of people wanting everything for free, sick of people and the new epidemic called “POOR ME”. Sick of people and all there dirty deeds, Sick of these people because they always bite the hand that feeds. Sick and tired of it all, sick and tired because everyone knows I’ll be there to catch tem when they fall. Sick and tired of having so much sympathy, sick and tired because most have had an easier life then me. Sick and tired that I just vented on deaf ears, Sick and tired because some of you probably think I even shed a flipping tear. Sick and tired of all you people who walk through life dazed and confused, no wait I’m not sick of that because that makes me amused. Sick of all the people who walked into my life and stole, sick that I can’t be around you more to watch your tormented soul. Sick of all of you that lied, sick because I caught you all red handed and you still denied. Sick that I will not be there when your justice is handed out, sick because there’s nothing left to question about my doubt. Sick most all, because I won’t be there to watch you stumble, crumble, and fall.

You pulled the rug out from under me Should’ve known that you couldn’t let good enough be The times I gave in and bent Can’t believe I didn’t see then this was never meant I’m locking this door and throwing away the key Taking myself back Never looking over the shoulder again Going on my way Leaving in search of better days Your cheap thrills are through Just keep yelling and screaming till your face turns blue I’ve taken all the shit I can handle The wick has burned out on this candle I’m locking this door and throwing away the key Taking myself back Never looking over the shoulder again Going on my way Leaving in search of better days Time is no more of the essence I lost all my patience You can sit here alone in your misery Trying to figure out who plotted this conspiracy I’m locking this door and throwing away the key Taking myself back Never looking over the shoulder again Going on my way Leaving in search of better days

The words you said cut right through me. I’m not mad though, I’m actually really happy. This time I didn’t have to trick or force myself into not caring for someone. You did it for me with the hate, bitterness, and harshness in your voice. We don’t communicate well if at all, because it’s all one-sided. I can share my feelings and you just won’t. It’s not that you can’t, it’s because you choose not to. The funny thing is I do whatever you ask me to in order to make things go right, But you and your double standards, or is it a game your trying to play with me? I’m still not sure, because you say one thing and do the opposite. The funny thing is I remember you saying “you’re always right”. I thought you were joking though, but it looks like the joke was on me. This time when the relationship fails I’ll at least have solace knowing it wasn’t me. I can walk away without having to answer any questions to myself as to why I did things. The answer for once will be clear and I won’t be the one having to heal. So, I’d just like to say thank you for showing me that there’s someone else just like me. THANK YOU for not letting this one be my fault. THANK YOU for having more issues on intimacy then me. THANK YOU for making me not want to care for you.