(First off I don't want your sympathy.. or anything just expressing myself) Rated if you want comment if you care to.. doesn't bother me.
There are a lot of people out there that have the opinion that if you really want to kill yourself you will. I will have to say that you are right, but then you know there are some that have the luck that someone or something intervenes in time to save them. I happen to be one of those people. Yeah me, for those of you that think you know everything about everyone and about everything step back look around because you really don't know shit.
First of all again I would like to Thank all the people that has stood beside me in my time of need and during my darkest hours. The support of my family and friends is what has brought me through this nothing more. If it wasn't for this I would have given up and would not had the strength to continue. "THANK YOU each and everyone! Especially my loving wife with out you I am nothing!"
You may think that people attempt suicide for the attention, some may. You may think that if you try it and fail that you really didn't want to die, some may not. You may think that people that try it just are dumb and don't know any better, they may not. You may think that people try it are just crazy and need to die. If you think like this take the blinders off and stop looking down the tunnel your looking down and look at the real world. People have problems with life, that they have no control over. I am not making excuses for what people do or don't do, but before you judge someone know all the facts not just one side of the story.
Here is mine, if you care to know read on if not stop here.
I am a well educated (or at least I think I am) computer programmer/security tech for the state. I currently make over 60,000 a year, own my own home, married going on 10 years and have two awesome kids. From the outside looking in I have everything most people would kill for, but looking from the inside out is a different story sometimes. I am bipolar and have a problem with my meds for the last few months. Mostly because I stop taking them or I would take them only sometimes which would cause spikes in my system.
Over the past couple of months my emotions have gotten the best of me and I started to do things that I would have never done before. I started acting in ways I knew was wrong and didn't seem to care about the things I knew were important to me. I found myself digging deeper into a hole of guilt and anger that I couldn't find a way out. I looked for anyway out and the more I dug the deeper it got, the more I looked for a way out the harder it was to find, even when it was starring me right in my face. It was through my family and friends that I could have found my way out, but I couldn't see it.
The guilt of my actions and things I thought I wanted ate at me like acid corrodes metal slowly until everything is gone. I began to drink very heavy on a Sunday night when I found myself at a point where I didn't see anyway out. When an argument ensued I became enraged and just wanted to get out to end the pain that I was feeling. How do you end pain, you take pain killers right, so I grabbed the nearest bottle of pills I could find and headed off into my bathroom where I locked my door and began to swallow the 60 pills that was in the bottle. Once, I was done consuming those, I remember heading into the rest of the house looking for more.
My wife informed me last that I consumed additional pain pills, blood pressure, anti-depressant (two types), and some others I think. I don't remember much after that, but I do see the aftermath of it all.
I remember small glimpses of Drs, EMTs and Nurses while I was in the Hospital the first night. I am not proud of this. This was my lowest point of my life, this is the worst part knowing I had no control of what I was doing or what was being done to me.
I remember being told that if I didn't drink the charcoal mixture that it would be pumped into my stomach through a tube that would be placed up my nose. I couldn't drink the charcoal so the tube was inserted up my nose and into my stomach one of the worst things I have ever felt. So I thought, until they inserted the catheter into up into my bladder. That is as close to having a baby as a man can get. Yeah, I cried like a baby when it was in me, because it was one of the worst pains and continuing pain I have ever felt. I will never forget it.
I spent the next several days in the hospital ICU until my toxin levels come down low enough for them to move me into the mental ward for evaluation. I was placed in the ward to help me understand my disease that I have.
I have learned a lot about it and I plan on continuing to learn about it. I am not ashamed about being bipolar I am ashamed about trying to take the easy way out and leaving my children and wife here to deal with my death. Bipolar is nothing to be ashamed about or any other mental disease, they are all treatable and we can all over come the obstacles GOD has put in front of us if we believe in ourselves and our friends around us.
Thanks you all for reading and understanding.
