WayneMan's blog: "Take a moment...or two"

All anyone can do in life is react. And through growth and developement our reactions change as do our surroundings. What once was, will never be again. But somehow always seems to be the same situations are arising every day. But not the same...different somehow. So we adapt our reactions to compromise and understand. Today is not "just" another day. It is key in the development of your understanding of all people and things surrounding you. So, that being said. What makes you think that you've been wasting your time today, or any other day for that matter. Maybe today was a chance for you to unpack all your recent experiences and reactions of late. You may not believe you were up to anything productive, but you were. Growth isn't always right there in front of you. It's an ever growing creature inside of you that you only realise once in awhile when thngs are going your way. Moments of clarity are so precious and rare. A fortunate soul can utilise these moments and use them to further thier reaction to whats coming up in thier future.

It's delicate...trying to balance your different lives. Especially if they are new...and you are running from your past ones. Too many things can seem to get in the way. Some in the new...but the old just seems to keep popping up time and time again. Immersed in existance, from your heels to your crown. Drowning in lifes cumbersome totality. Light fading wayward like the moon pushing the trees to the ground. You sink...deeper...deeper still. Waiting...not moving...yet sinking still I don't know...I just don't know anymore...not sure I ever really knew. How does anyone know where they made a wrong turn...where did it happen to me? I don't feel like anything is resolved from my past...and there are so many things...I just don't know where to start. And I can't even imagine where it will end. Regrets...I guess I have many. Enough to bury myself in if I were to let them. I've spoken about regrets in a regard of having none. I lied. I have a lot of regrets that haunt me everyday. Sometimes (like right now) they overwhelm me. It's like opening an attic and having its entire contents pour down onto me and all of the feelings that go along with them. All the memories return and poke at me until I am beaten and bruised...on the inside anyways. I have so much to feel...so much I have felt. And its humility that seems to be prominant. Not sure why...but theres something there. Things I have done...things I should have done...things I should have never done. Feelings I can't fucking let go of! At this point I tell myself to suck it up!! But I can't do it that easily. I'm tired...so tired of it pouring down on me time and time again. Why can't I just let it all go... But I don't give in. I won't give up that easy. I may be harping on all the past dissapointments, but life right now is actually better than its ever been. I just can't shake this feeling that consumes me from time to time. They say that "time heals all wounds". I don't think thats right at all. I think people need closure in thier lives. And that doesn't guarantee there won't be scars when you are finished either. I'm not writing this about a past love...not of a romantic endevor anyways. Just my time before my breaking point where I left everything behind and started my life over again. It's been a little over a year since I left...and I don't want to go back. Not to any of it. Thats just the way it is. But if this persists...I will have to find a way to come face to face with it all, once and for all. Once I figure out what it is exactly i'll be facing that is.

If I were to say to you that you are beautiful everyday. If I were to tell you how wonderful i think you are. Were I to say that in my eyes...you mean everything to me. Would you think it strange that i do it everytime we see each other? Would you wonder how one could obsess over something continually? I say what I think...and I mean what I say. When I tell you you are beautiful and wonderful. I mean it. And I say these things often...because you never know when the last time you say it will be. I cherish all those around me and try to be as genuine and loving as I truly can be because today might be right now, but tomorrow may never come. So i say what I need to say right now. So that if tomorrow comes...and you aren't there...i've said what I needed to say...but that doesn't mean I won't miss you... ~Wayne~

If you look behind the closed doors of your mind Would you find yourself, looking at me? You hide in the shadows of your lies The ones that help you smile and laugh Perpetrated by the banging down the hall If you stop to listen, you'll hear my voice Over the banging on the door...down the corridor of your mind. When I listen to the memories of us passed... I hear the sorrow creeping in. When I see you passing and you don't even see me... I feel that sorrow creeping in. Daunting are the echos of your steps fading fast Were i to stop listening...I'd hear you clear. But when I look behind the closed doors of my mind. I see what I had hoped you'd see. Stepping out from the darkness of my lies Into the light I only see me. ~Wayne~

They say the only two certainties in life are "death and taxes". Not true, everything changes..change its self is certain. Everything is certain to change in some way. In your way of thinking, living, talking and dealing...everything changes. Some of these changes are quite apparent immedietly. Obvious to all...like a new haircut, or a new car . We change the things we can to feel better about ourselves and keep moving. Because if we stop moving there comes a certainty...death. Maybe not in the physical sense, but we die a little inside when we aren't doing something..anything to stay awake and aware to the world and all things around us. But what happens when we keep moving in a new direction in a pace too fast to see whats being passed by...forgotten, never to be returned to. We see only a blur, a glimpse of whats ahead of us. Not really knowing what we are running towards. So at this point I have to contradict myself. STOP....look around. Take it all in and BREATHE!!! Let a part of yourself you dont like die instead. It doesn't always have to be something good inside dying. Let go of something you don't need. I've been running now for awhile and have no idea where i am anymore. I hardly have any connection with the world surrounding. I don't really know where anyone stands anymore, because i've had my head down running in a tunnel of mere work and sleep. I feel disconnected from my friends and loved ones. If I don't know where I stand..how can I possibly know where they stand anymore. Changes.. Change changes everything! lol I'm not sure what i'm really trying to say here. Just that I miss something and am feeling like i'm pressing to keep moving but find myself standing still at the same time. Could be that life has jumped on to the next person in line. I had a good run for awhile and have to just tread water till my turn for fun and enlightenment comes back around again. For now, i'll keep working, sleeping, eating and making love in all senses of the word...can't just stop living you know. Don't want to risk missing my next turn in the line of changes to come my way. You never know what you'll see and feel next time. It's kind of exciting when you think of it that way I suppose. It's like scratching a whole bunch of losing lottery tickets and then winning something big. Enjoy it! Do with it as you will and make it last as long as you can...because you don't win the lottery everyday. I've been fortunate enough to win a few times. I won the love of my life whom enchants my every sense and treats me like gold. And a best friend that tops the charts in comparison to any other i've ever known (a wonderful woman of course). My work is somewhere around where i want it...and thats saying something! So in all regards...I'm not sad or depressed...just waiting for that one ticket...might be I just need to diversify and spread myself out more. "buy more tickets" so to speak... I wasn't really able to fully say what I was trying to...but then again I didn't walk in here with any direction. Just let my fingers talk for me. Maybe i'll figure it out and get back to you later on that one. Night kids~ ~Wayne~