It's delicate...trying to balance your different lives. Especially if they are new...and you are running from your past ones. Too many things can seem to get in the way. Some in the new...but the old just seems to keep popping up time and time again.
Immersed in existance, from your heels to your crown.
Drowning in lifes cumbersome totality.
Light fading wayward like the moon pushing the trees to the ground.
You sink...deeper...deeper still.
Waiting...not moving...yet sinking still
I don't know...I just don't know anymore...not sure I ever really knew.
How does anyone know where they made a wrong turn...where did it happen to me? I don't feel like anything is resolved from my past...and there are so many things...I just don't know where to start. And I can't even imagine where it will end. Regrets...I guess I have many. Enough to bury myself in if I were to let them.
I've spoken about regrets in a regard of having none. I lied.
I have a lot of regrets that haunt me everyday. Sometimes (like right now) they overwhelm me. It's like opening an attic and having its entire contents pour down onto me and all of the feelings that go along with them. All the memories return and poke at me until I am beaten and bruised...on the inside anyways.
I have so much to feel...so much I have felt. And its humility that seems to be prominant. Not sure why...but theres something there. Things I have done...things I should have done...things I should have never done. Feelings I can't fucking let go of!
At this point I tell myself to suck it up!! But I can't do it that easily. I'm tired...so tired of it pouring down on me time and time again.
Why can't I just let it all go...
But I don't give in. I won't give up that easy. I may be harping on all the past dissapointments, but life right now is actually better than its ever been. I just can't shake this feeling that consumes me from time to time. They say that "time heals all wounds". I don't think thats right at all. I think people need closure in thier lives. And that doesn't guarantee there won't be scars when you are finished either.
I'm not writing this about a past love...not of a romantic endevor anyways. Just my time before my breaking point where I left everything behind and started my life over again. It's been a little over a year since I left...and I don't want to go back. Not to any of it. Thats just the way it is.
But if this persists...I will have to find a way to come face to face with it all, once and for all. Once I figure out what it is exactly i'll be facing that is.
