Cashmere's blog: "Single Again"

What is the color of love? I asked myself this question today when I went on a job interview and I saw so many men of different colors. Now I have never dated or slept with a white man but today got me thinking. I know there are many out there that have dated outside their races, but I never thought I would be a person that would even think about it. Mind you now I do love the brothers. I love the way a black man looks, especially if he got those lips, woman knows what I'm talking about. But when it comes to a white man, I don't know what I would see in them. Wait, there have been some white men that make me do a double take, the blue of their eyes, the hair and sometime their smile. I know there are some white men out there that can make a woman drop their panties, but could that ever happen to me? Could I ever see myself loving someone outside my race? How would my family feel? and How would that make me look? The reason for these question are simply. For the last couple of weeks I have met black men that remained me of the Mister and I told my newphew today that I might go out with a white guy, he just shoock his head and said "Why Auntie?" Are there any guy white or black that could give that feeling back in my heart? I know that a question I should be asking myself, I just don't have an answer. I love every man of every color, but could love really have a color? How does a person choose who to love? Is it in their genes? Are we prome to love one race more than the other? Could a white man look at me and see me and not my color? I know I'm color blind, but today the thought came to me when I saw this white guy that made my panties wet for the first time, and it was weird, I have never felt that way before, than agin it has been two months one week and two day since I last had some and anything might turn me., well not anything. Many have asked me what I look for in a man, well, my secret, promise not to tell anyone. When I first met a man I look at his eyes. Something about a man eyes that makes my heart jump, than I look at his smile, I love to see people in general smile, but when some men smile it makes me feel good, yes I do look other places as well, If I can see a print than I know maybe he has something, but if not, maybe they know how to work it, but most importantly, a man must know how to talk. Yes talk, I don't like when a man walk up to you and say, "Hey Shawty, Hey Slim", that don't turn me on that just make me want to keep walking, but if a man can talk and I talk back, than you got my attention and I will listen to you talk all night if I have to, but once the commuciation stop, I will walk away. Well, thats all I wanted to ask for now, be back later...Oh yeah, the job interview went ok, I got an second interview on wedesday at Lowes, Pray that I get it, I really need to work to keep my mind off of other things like counting down the days I haven't had sex...LOL So Until....

For serveral months now I have been saying I was single, but I wasn't free. Yes I left the man that I've loved for 10 years but I wasn't free from him. I wanted to stop what I was doing here in Nashville and run back home to him, I even got to the point where I wanted to kill myself over him, but on Friday morning about 6:30 am my best friend gave me a wake up call. Let me explain, the night before I got drunk and high off of coffee and some meds I'm taking for my seizures and I wrote words down on paper stating how I hated my life and that I wanted to died. I wrote shit that make you think I was really lossing my mind. My best friend read these stupid words and beat the shit out of me, yes I said she beat the shit out of me with a stick. Now I didn't know what made her so mad until yesterday when we was setting up for a christmas party, but that ass whipping woke me up... why the fuck am I going to kill myself over a man? What makes him so different the other men I have met in my life? I know it not easy leaving a love like our behind but what was the point in the begining, to start over, to find what I was looking for in life. The mister treated me like a child at time, and maybe a person like me liked that, to have someone there when you got home from work, someone there to hold you when you are scared, yes he was all that to me, but since I turn 40 I see things different. and since my best friend beat the shit out of me as well, I wroke the fuck up. there are other men out there that can or would love to have a woman to devoted to him. I know there is somone for everyone and one day maybe I will find my Prince. But I'm not holding my breath. I'm more forces on my needs now, having sex with people is not what I'm looking for to set the record straight, I'm here in Nashville to find me, not we. I have done the marriage thing, I have done the long term relationship thing, Now I'm just doing my thing. I'm having fun, meeting new people and going out. I want to make this clear to everyone that reads this, I still LOVE men, and one day the Lord will send me someone that just for me, but right now, I'm just doing me. Before I end, My family is fine, my daugher just graudated from bootcamp at Fort Jackson and is not on her way to AIT class, my son has his own place and two jobs, and my baby girl is doing well in school, The Lord gave me such wonderful children and I'm so proud to be their mom. Well, Until...

A friend asked me if I was a Single Parent. And I never really thought about it until now. I am. I have been since the children father and I divorce 12 years ago. I was stupid to think that my second husband would be a good father figure for my children. But all he ever did was show my son how to beat women. I knew after the fact that this man beat his wife, I'm wife number four. He is claim to have broken his step son arm by just grabbing him, don't know if its true, but I'm friends with his 3 ex wife the mother of the child. The second wife, who had they son died in a gun fight. Don't know the whole story, but I raise his son until I move away from him 11 years ago. Can't get a Divorce because he's not in this state. Alabama law. I told them I haven seen him in 11 years but they don't care, they want to send paper to a man I don't know where he at, and cost more that a down payment on a car. What about pro bono you may asks? this state has law, you have to prove what you have said. It so much red red tape. Anyway, I never thought I would be a single parent, never wanted to be, I have always dreamed of a family. I had one, it wasn't a very good one, but it was my family. I had my sisters and brother around. I guess I'm not very good yet at this Single parent job. Before I end, I want everyone to know I have a wonderful daugher. I love all my children, but I have a special bond with my oldest. One, She was born my 21 year day, two, she would do anything to keep me happy. Let me explain, Spring break is coming up, she had made plans to go to B'ham with friends, but because of the siuation, she doesn't want to go. I asked her why, it it becasue of me, she said no, I knew that was a lie, so I asked if it was about money and she said no, which also was a lie. I don't want my baby sending her 1st spring break with the Senior, your only a Senior once. I'm going to have to do what I do to make her dreams come true. she has been paying for the room with her paycheck, which is not right, she borrowing money from friends she went to school with, God I'm so happy I know these friends and their family, or that shit would end. I don't need another grown ass man hittig on my girls, this time I really will click. I'm trying to be a different person. I can be a bitch at time, but I do know my place in other time. I'm a Single mom now, and I want my children to be proud of me, like I'm proud of them, but not the behavior. In closing, Last night with my son was amazing. I'm so proud of him. Last night he has to give up his Ball crown to another, he was upset, but he came to me like a man, and was proud of his friend. And the Senior walk, Oh My Gosh, it was breathtaking. we walked inbetween drawn swores, the Senior was yelling his name, it was great, than the Senior dance, we dance for the first time, I wanted to cry, but since it was a long song, I advice him that it would be best that he dance with his girl. The night was magic to me, my first night out as a Single MoM/Woman. It was fun. Gotta Run

Toay is going to be a hard day. The first couple of day I was feeling on top of the world. I was finally free from a contoling man. I was from under his thumb, feeling good, wanted to go dancing, making real changes in my life, now its Day 4 and I'm starting to fall apart. I cried myself to sleep, my pressure is up, my 16 year old daughter hates me because I made her leave her job. My 18 year old needs her own room, fuck I need my own room. I don't want to miss him. I don't want to think about him and I don't want to call him, but everything in me is screaming, call him call him. I want to let this go, I don't want to feel anything for him, I want to stay pissed off, I want to stay away, but my heart is breaking fast and I can't seem to stop it. I thought that if I had sex today with a ex co worker I would feel better, but as the time passes by, and it get closer to the time I told him to be here, I'm getting scared. I don't want to sleep wth him, I don't want to sleep with anyone right now, well, that a lie, I do want to have sex because it been awhile, but I'm scared. Stange HuH? I know. My body wants to be touch, but my heart is screaming no! no! no!, what the hell am I going to do? All those years with this man and now that I'm Single again, I don't know how to act. I haven't been single in a long time, and the last time I was single, I move to Nashville, meet this nice guy, but on the night I was about to have sex with him, the mister called and told me he was IN Love with me. I believed him, I really did, but now that I'm living apart from him, all I want to do is just run back and let the cycle begin again. But, then I remember what he did and I can't forgive him anymore. I'm lonely today. Its rainy, I'm afraid of rain and storms, and on days like this the mister would just hold me until it stopped, but now he's not here, he's nowhere and once again I am alone. My biggest fear is coming true and I really don't have any idea what to do next. I'm putting up this big front that I have everything alright, its a LIE, I'm falling apart right now as I write. I look at my now sleeping daughters and shade a tear, they don't deserve it, living in a motel 6 because I was to stupid to leave this man years ago. What have I done? When the social worker hears about this, they will take my daughters away. I will really be alone. No home, No family, No job, No money all in one week. My daughters don't need a mom like me. I can't take care of them like they need to taken care of, I'm not worthy to have sure wonderful girls. All I wanted to do was just to give my children a home, that was all. "My Lord, My Lord, why hasth thou forsaken me" this something I have said for years and never understand it until I lost custody of my children. I say it in hard and lonely time, and sometime I get an answer, sometime I don't. Sorry, I'm Just Lonely. Until