S1K in the Head Parts's blog: "Random shit I'll make songs eventually"

Just my two cents on where I'm at so far in life (or not, as the case may be).
Totally prose, so if it comes out poetic, it's just how I think :p

Also, not about anyone or thing in particular, just a summation of personal conversations with myself over the last month or so. (Read: I ain't mad at nobody or nothing, just stating shit in case anyone's actually curious.)

It seems that the more I learn about myself, the more I realize I don't understand at all.
I'm twenty five and have almost nothing to show for it, in all honesty.
A little debt, a little stress, and a little girl I miss horribly.
As much as I know being a parent is supposed to be the greatest sacrifice of one's life,
it seems ironic that I'm the only parent I know with nothing else in life at all.
Perhaps I sabotage myself unknowingly? Am I afraid of loss, or am I really afraid I'll succeed?

I love deeply still, I don't even intend to most of the time, it just seems to be part of me.
It's hard constantly being the epitome of the 'nice guy' that every girl wants in theory, but
never, ever in practice. Even I laugh at the absurdity of it all sometimes.

Then, there's always the torment of wishing things could be different, but hating yourself for
even wishing for a second that something bad could happen to people you care about. And yet, it
seems unfair that I am permanently resigned to second place at best, even in my own life.

Shouldn't I be first place to somebody? Anybody at all?

Maybe I haven't earned it yet, though I am at a loss as to how to do so. I try to be honest,
I even attempt to be kind whenever possible. Maybe there's something to be said for being a
deceitful bastard, they always seem to have relationships, and girls that stay no matter how bad
they fuck up. I just get left all the time anyway. I'm still trying to figure out what I did
wrong, and it seems none of them can definitively tell me. Go figure, right?

So here I am, fighting a war I don't believe in, for a country I don't believe in, allegedly united
under some deity I'm pretty sure is just a lie made up to excuse prejudice against anyone who dares
to believe differently. Funny in the saddest way possible. And so fitting with my life.

There, I have the divorce I thought was finalized that I'm having to pay for AGAIN to have filed
AGAIN because she didn't feel like showing up to court or telling me she didn't. All to get out of a
marraige that ended four years ago. At least, that's when she moved in with her boyfriend. Nice guy.
He's just like me, only far more tolerant of her bipolar fits of rage, it would seem.

Here, I have the debt I'm slowly crawling out of, all in the hopes of... I have no idea, really. I could
try to buy a house to live in by myself, at least I'll own it, I guess. But empty homes seem depressing
to me. Maybe I paid too much attention in Kindergarten. I share well. More's the pity.

Maybe I truly was just born in the wrong time, perhaps the wrong era entirely. I'm far too easy to please.
My expectations aren't low, my tolerance is high for those willing to try. I guess not many are willing, or
likely I wouldn't still be alone. And sadly enough, I don't even blame any of them that have moved on and
found others, and I truly wish them as many forms of happiness as are possible to be had. I guess I just
wish someone wished the same for me, then maybe it would happen.

In a way it reminds me of when I left high school. Every girl thought I had a thousand girlfriends, leading
up to me being alone and miserable while all of my friends genuinely think I'm just being modest or
something.

So, here I am. Alone, miserable, a little out of sync with the going's on of this retarded world around me.
Far too stubborn to lay down and die, but too tired to keep fighting. Maybe it's time to accept the solitude
and embrace the freedom. The most retarded word in the history of language, by the way.

Freedom is miserable, and none of those screaming for it have any idea what they're demanding. Freedom is
no barriers, no labels, no opinions. Freedom is the exact opposite of what they want, they're just too damn
ignorant to realize it. The 'freedom' they want is to have everything their way. Which is dictation, not
freedom, read a dictionary, you morons!

Maybe I'm too smart to realize how stupid I am. Or vice versa, hard to tell with no valid reference points.

But at least I finally made a sensible, workable goal.

The women of the world, as much as (in general) I desire to be a good example of what they claim to desire,
have until I turn 35 to pull their collective heads out of their ass and take it, or I'm just swearing off
relationships in their entirety. It's not worth the personal stress I put myself through. Is it their fault?
No, not really, but I'm as powerless to stop falling in love unintentionally as they seem to be to not
reciprocate it in kind, so why make myself feel guilty for possibly making them feel bad for not loving me?

Nine and a half years, and the clock slowly winds down. Good luck! At this point, you'll likely need it, lol.

For my friends (and you know who you are), I still loves ya all wif all my widdle <3.

And yes, for some reason, writing this really DID make me feel a lot better about my fucked up life :p

SPC Redlin, out!