Let me tell you about an old man named Santa Claus. You may know him as Kris Kringle aka Saint Nick aka Sinter Klauss or aka Papa Noel. Whatever his nom descript, he has been widely commercialized and widely misunderstood. When you see Santa Claus, you see a man with an infectious laugh, rosy cheeks, jolly belly, snow white beard, and a bubbly joyful personality. You see this cause you are blinded by the spirit of christmas. I will tell you what is really there, a man with roscea (hence the red cheeks), an obesity problem, hygeine issues (thats why he doesn't shave), and a crack problem (joyful personality explained by the crack). He is a pervy old man, with a sweatshop full of immigrant elves. You don't ever see Mrs Claus, and do you want to know why? Cause Good ole Saint Nick doesn't let her out of the house. He has a dominating personality and likes to control her. He runs his sweatshop full of elves, making them work all hours of the day and night, with no Overtime and no holiday pay. Because he is in the northpole, he isn't sanctioned by the US labor laws, or any other fair and just labor law of any country. His office (the northpole) is in the middle of nowhere and in a severe climate. He often threatens the elves, telling them he will fire them and leave them in the blistering cold to fend for themselves. What an asshole! And if that wasn't enough, the way he treats his reindeer is absolutly horrendous. Animal right activist have been all over "Santa Claus" about this. His response to them is "Ho Ho Ho", there is no need for name calling! He feeds them LSD to get them "High" enough to "fly". What kind of man gives animals drugs? I mean one of his reindeers has done so much Cocaine that his nose is actually RED!! We reward this man for stealing into our homes at night, leaving useless junk for ungrateful little brats. We reward him with homemade cookies and milk. Santa is a binger and a purger....don't give him more food to binge and purge on. When someone enters your home in the dead of night, he is called a robber...do you give a robber milk and cookies?? So you're probably saying to yourself, "What has Santa ever stolen from me?" Well, I'll tell you what he has stolen. Beside the sense of security your home should have, he has also stolen the other sock! There is no such thing as laundry bunnies that steal the other sock...it is none other than SANTA CLAUS!!!!! He's been doing it for years. He has a strange foot fetish, and loves to sniff socks. He's been trying to blame "laundry bunnies" or "laundry gnomes" for this for years. We now know that this fat bastard has been stealing socks from around the world, using this "christmas" scheme of his to get into many peoples homes. So next time you hear a "ho ho ho" in the air, or jingle bells playing, get your shot gun ready. Don't let this man, this obese unhygenic crack fiend near your children! He is not to be trusted!
