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How to love a broken girl. How many would benefit from an instruction book for that? Its easy to love the carefree girls, the “normal” girls, the confident girls next door, but what about the broken girls? The girls with fortresses around their heart and shields in their eyes? The girls whose souls have aged beyond their earthly years? The girls with bodies and minds that have survived wars which would break the strongest of men? Sometimes these girls should come with a warning label. The warning pendulum swings both ways. This warning is not only for how you must treat her but for all the ways she will ruin you.
1. You cannot love her gently. She does not realize she deserves to be loved. You must love her with a force that can crush mountains. You must burn her soul so hot with your love that doubt melts away. Your love must be unconditional and you must show her on her very worst days.
2. She doesnt know shes beautiful. She can get compliments all day and she wont believe it. There is a demon on her shoulder whispering that its not true. It takes a dozen compliments to erase one hurtful torment from her past. Shower her with compliments, be her cheerleader, until your words are her heartbeat instead of her doubts.
3. Chase her. I know we often have the attitude of not chasing anyone. I know it is said to be weak if we chase someone who walks away, but we need to see you are weak for us. Sometimes a broken girl needs to see how much you need her. She needs to.see that vulnerability in your eyes to feel ok. We need you to need us.
4. She needs routine. Broken girls over analyze everything. They notice everything, too. Did you stop asking her for pictures after some time passes? Did you stop using a pet name? Every broken pattern to us means the end of the only thing we have ever wanted and it terrifies us.
5. Smother us with affection. Touch us. Kiss us. Touch us some more. Broken girls have not experienced enough positive affection in their life. We will absorb every ounce as a person dying of thirst demands water. You cannot shower us with enough of a good touch.
6. Be honest and keep promises. Broken girls have not dared to dream much. Every vow made to us has been broken. Every promise has been a lie. We would rather you never let a promise escape your lips than have you utter false ones.
7. Prepare to drown. If we let you inside our chaotic soul, you will be immersed in a madness you will not understand. We sometimes walk the balance beam of insanity and sometimes we fall. The biggest warning we should have is this.. if we love you, it is forever. We will love you with a loyalty that will amaze you. We will be committed and our heart will beat your name. While we are still broken we will try to devour all of your pain. We will be perceptive to your wounds and eager to heal your soul. If we love you, please be prepared that we will forever stay.
Its been more two months since my accident. It's been a long road and I think because of the accident when found out the cause of my migraines that I've had since 3 years of age.
You ask.....
Chiari malformations are structural defects in the base of the skull and cerebellum, the part of the brain that controls balance. Normally the cerebellum and parts of the brain stem sit above an opening in the skull that allows the spinal cord to pass through it (called the foramen magnum). When part of the cerebellum extends below the foramen magnum and into the upper spinal canal, it is called a Chiari malformation (CM).
Chiari malformations may develop when part of the skull is smaller than normal or misshapen, which forces the cerebellum to be pushed down into the foramen magnum and spinal canal. This causes pressure on the cerebellum and brain stem that may affect functions controlled by these areas and block the flow of cerebrospinal fluid (CSF)—the clear liquid that surrounds and cushions the brain and spinal cord. The CSF also circulates nutrients and chemicals filtered from the blood and removes waste products from the brain.
Headache is the hallmark sign of Chiari malformation, especially after sudden coughing, sneezing, or straining. Other symptoms may vary among individuals and may include:
Some individuals with CM may not show any symptoms. Symptoms may change for some individuals, depending on the compression of the tissue and nerves and on the buildup of CSF pressure.
Infants with a Chiari malformation may have difficulty swallowing, irritability when being fed, excessive drooling, a weak cry, gagging or vomiting, arm weakness, a stiff neck, breathing problems, developmental delays, and an inability to gain weight.
So since the accident, things have been TEN FOLD!!!
I have been in love with someone for close to four (4) years. It has been one of those bless the broken road kind of things because we fought stopped talking and got back together and then blocked each other and then friended each other. We finally came to a happy meeting place and I was happy and content as I could be with distance. I tried to tell him daily how much i loved him and how much i needed him. But days i logged in here I saw girls flirty with him and i chalked it up to just being fu. Then some got more intimate and I asked if he would tell those girls how he felt about me and he didnt. His answer was he spoke to me the most. In my opinion, if you love someone you DONT need to "talk to" or flirt with others, but what do i know right.
Well this week he told me he was in love with me and yesterday a girl left a comment that she was going to massage him when she saw him and I am sorry if i got pissed... what the fuck she lives in the same state and I have heard so dirty things about her. So i messaged her and he got pissed off. I wasn't rude and in my defense I didnt plan on sending it... I was gonna screenshot it and it was more of he needed to say something or i would because i was tired of asking him to step up to the plate and man up and let people know about us. Well it got sent and he blamed me. I feel he blamed me because it ruined things with her or pissed her off. But who cares about my feelings... you know me the girl he is in loved with. He unfriended me and not her... seriously!!! But I am the bad person here... he called me psycho because i got fed up with the feeling that he was playing me and my heart.
As I lay here in bed, telling all of the people that matter to me that I might be going to disappear for awhile. I contemplate my feelings and I try to rationalize them. I feel fed up with fighting for attention. Those that beg for my attention want to give me negative attention and those that give me positive attention.. I have to fight for a smidge of their time. Neither one is conducive for my mental state right now.
I feel unwanted, unworthy, useless, unimportant, not good enough, invisible and just plain nobody. I know I'm not those things but my emotions have a mind of their own. My meds don't seem to be helping which also has me frantic. Being anxious and depressed... Doesn't seem like something I'd wish on my worst enemy.
It's not the police who need to be retrained, it's the public. We have grown into a mouthy, cell phone wielding, vulgar, uncivil society with no personal responsibility and the attitude of 'it's the other person's fault', 'you owe me'. A society where children grow up with no boundaries or knowledge or concern for civil society and personal responsibility.
When an officer says "Put your hands up," then put your hands up! Don't reach for something in your pocket, your lap, your seat. There's plenty of reason for a police officer to feel threatened, there have been multiple assaults and ambushes on police officers lately. Comply with requests from the officer, have your day in court. Don't mouth off, or fight, or refuse to comply... that escalates the situation.
Police officers are our sons and daughters, fathers and mothers, brothers and sisters. They're black, white, brown, all colors, all ethnicities, all faiths, male and female, they are us. They see the worst side of humanity... the raped children, the bloody mangled bodies of traffic victims, the bruised and battered victims of domestic violence, homicide victims, body parts... day after day.
They work holidays while we have festive meals with our families. They miss school events with their kids, birthdays, anniversaries, all those special occasions that we take for granted. They work in all types of weather, under dangerous conditions, for relatively low pay.
They have extensive training, but they are human. When there are numerous attacks on them, they become hyper vigilant for a reason, they have become targets. When a police officer encounters any person... any person, whether at a traffic stop, a street confrontation, an arrest, whatever... that situation has the potential to become life threatening. You, Mr & Mrs/Miss Civilian, also have the responsibility of keeping the situation from getting out of control.
Many law enforcement officers are Veterans. They've been in service to this nation most of their lives, whether on the battlefield or protecting us here at home. They are the only thing that stands between us and anarchy in the streets.
If you want to protect your child, teach them respect.
September 20, 2008
they say when you love someone they become a part of you and when they leave they take a piece of you with them. what if you love that person with every ounce of your being and they are your whole world, when they leave they take a big chunk of who are.. you feel on whole like your incomplete. I hate to admit as much as it kills me I know its right. but it is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all. for once I knew love or what I thought was love. I meant something to someone. now I mean nothing to no one. that's what hurts the most having the person you thought you meant the world to no longer care what you are doing or if you're ok. now I get to go through each day wondering if/when I will feel that way or if I really want to again. but its sad and easy to say that I do. to get hopes built up and knocked down all over again sure why not, but not now, not for awhile. I know I'm worth so much more and that I am great. I just need to remember what I have discovered and learned and find out more about Samantha before I can get to know someone else. I need to put my past in my past and realize although I have been hurt and jaded that not all men are bastards I just can't seem find ones that aren't. we learn from our past but our past is a part of us and who we are but its not what we are. so I've learned somethings in the past few months to carry with me on my next endeavour, my next adventure, my next relationship if/when it comes along b/c I am not looking I no longer care about loving someone else just loving me and who I am and want to become. and to the person this pertains to I actually want to thank you for making me realize all this and that I don't deserve you I deserve better someone who when he says he loves me he means it with every single ounce of who is and who will love me through it all and love me til the end like you promise but broke that. I will always love you and you are now a big part of who I am and will become.
May 24, 2008
I now live my life moment to moment step by step breath to breath... never knowing what the world truly has in store. Never knowing what is in your path. I lived my life day by day and i looked at the future. But we dont know what the future holds. You think you found the one and they hurt you and rip your heart and yet they still love you. You that you two have no future and yet you continue to hold on to it hoping there will be. And everyday it kills you and eats you up inside. All you want is to be happy and you hold out thinking that the person will realize you are the one that will make their life meaingful and complete. But you also realize that if you do that you are missing out on other things. Like someone else who loves and does want to start forever with you. Who do you chose? Which path do you take? Do you close both doors? Keep them open until you know? Chose one hoping it is the right one? WHAT honestly is finding happiness this damn difficult? I don't think it is suppose to be. If it isn't then why am I still here alone.
July 30, 2007
The Heart...
Is it just an organ or can it really feel love? Where does the feeling of love come from? Is it really a feeling or just thoughts? Do we associate the thoughts of someone, the way they make us feel, or how much they make us smile with love? How does one define love? Lust? Obssession? Infatuation? Do they all go hand in hand? Are they all one in the same? This whole time, have I just been feeling something I thought was love? Or was it love? How does one truly know? How is it that I fall in love so easily and fall out just as fast? Have I been just that jaded? That heartbroken? That all I want is something to cure it...How can just one feeling make us happy, sad, hurt, crazy, and silly all at the same time? Is that how we know it's love? You tell me. You give me your views on love. I know my views. If you have these feelings in your soul and in your mind that you love someone tell them. You never know what tomorrow holds, or what's around the corner. I don't know how many of you listen to country music, but as I write this, one song comes to mind..."What Hurts The Most" by Radcal Flatts. If you don't tell the one you love that you love them, how are they to know? One day they'll be there, but tomorrow is unknown. So, tell the one you are with that you love them...or tell someone you love that you love them so that they know. So, when tomorrow comes, and the unexpected happens, they know you love them.
July 23, 2007
There are times in your life where sadness seems inevitable and love is unreachable. You fall in love only to get hurt, you fall out of love because you are hurt, and you go looking for love to cure the hurt. It's a viscious cycle. Why go looking for love? No one can truly explain it. Is it a desire, a need, a fantasy.....who knows? I know that I have spent half of my life looking for it, coming close a few times and in the end coming up empty handed. If my heart is broken anymore, there will probably be none of it left. It may be full of holes, but it can still comprehend love and be filled with love. Love is that one thing in life I truly desire more than any feeling.
Love is supposed to be patient, I know - but patience is a virtue I no longer have. I want love and I want to feel love. Not the words....but the motions, the looks, the touch...you all know what I mean. You know, the kind of love where actions are spoken louder than words. I want to know and feel that love by looking in his eyes, feeling his touch, and tasting his kisses. I want to know that kind of love where I am first in his life, but he still has a life. To me, a real love s not the beginning of a whole new life, but the intertwining of two lives together, creating a better life. Oh, to feel that kind of love.
I want a love built on trust, honesty, sincerity, clarity, and friendship. I know that's not out there...at least nowhere in my grasp - nowhere I've ever looked. There's the fake love where people say they'll give you these things, but don't. I have had too much of that love. It leave you heartbroken and sad. Torn and sore. So, needless to say, my heart is broken, sad, torn, and sore. It is in need of major repair. But like I said, the only way to repair a heart broken by love is to love again...and that won't be for a while. Love is nowhere within reach of my heart. I want love but I'm not looking for it. It will come to me. It will find me. It will seek me.
