lasombrasdreams's blog: "rawr"

I was sitting here the other day, and realized how blissfully happy I was a year ago. I had my little online friends that would do more for me than my RL friends, and it was wonderful. I was so close to everyone. I was DJing for a (what once was) Cherrytap radio station, that was family to me. I enjoyed being in the lounge, I knew everyone that was in there, it was great. DJing was FUN for me back then. Now I seem to just be like "whatever" about the whole thing. I had my Steven... that is another thing I miss terribly, the main thing. I miss him, I miss our conversations, I miss telling him that I love him. It is such a forced conversation between him and I now. His life has been turned upside down, and I can't even ATTEMPT to help him, or tell him that I miss him. Everytime I hear a song he gave me, my heart breaks, breaks little by little, just thinking about what went wrong, what it all could have been if only I maybe stepped up and made it happen. GAH I miss him.... I miss my free willed spirit. It seems as though now, I have a set bed time, I can't be bothered to try anymore. I am leary of everyone now, and I can't seem to find the friends that I miss.... god I miss a year ago.... :(

I sit here and make myself miserable, I listen to songs that make me think of you, and all I want to do is curl up under a blanket with you and hide away from the world. I feel pathetic. I have come too deep in this and I am scared to hell. I feel these things for you that I have only begun to feel, things that make my heart leap and roll and ride this wonderful rollercoaster. I love you much more than I could have ever thought was possible. And that also scares the hell out of me. I don't think I have even realized the tip of how you feel about me, and I don't think I ever will. Maybe one day I will see it, and maybe it will surprise me. I always think down upon everything good in my life, I never see myself being lucky enough to have anyone feel about me the way I feel about them. I always see myself giving you the world and never getting an ounce of feeling from you. Or anyone for that matter. I am not what you expect, I am me, and I am all I can give. And I love you.

my heart is making these funny patterns. I speak with you everyday, and no matter how much time passes since the last ny heart still lights up and beats irregular beats. I want to be held by you forever, spend eternity looking at each other, your sweet perfect face, your beautiful eyes. My heart feels like collapsing under the weight of my love for you, I am sick with it. You are all I ever think about. I dream about you, think about you. My heart is breaking at the thought of a life without you. Your words kick me in the throat and open the waterfalls in my eyes. I can't breathe when I think of you. Is this all for nothing? I need to know.

I had a freaking awesome time last night. I got the guts to dress the way I never do, felt great (other then not being able to breathe) hung out with friends that I don't ever get to see, stood front and center for a couple of bands and got covered in blood! Such a great time. I will be posting pics of the night soon. I might have one up soon since some people have better camera phones then me and have flashes... not me though sigh. I know that on the rox's myspace they will be posting pics and I might be in there somewhere, trashed. Yay for me!! ok enough is enough just wanted everyone to know how much fun I had last night.

I'm such an asshole I'm such a stain I just keep fucking up again and again You crawled inside my mind when you crawled into my bed Said everyhting I've ever longed to hear So perfect, so alive, once inside you sucked me dry Used me up and left me here for dead I crave it desperately, a cancer eating me An addiction too intense to be denied Worthless, I'm a whore, crawling back for more Pathertic how I feed off this abuse You told me that you loved me You swore that you loved me And I believed, now I know it was a lie [chorus] I don't believe I don't believe That I could be so stupid and so naive I don't believe I don't believe That there is nothing, nothing left for me Stabbing Westward - I don't Believe

I only see myself reflected in your eyes So all that I believe I am essentially are lies And everything I've hoped to be or ever thought I was Died with your belief in me so who the hell am I? I'm wondering 'round confused Wondering why I try The more that you deny my pain The more it intensifies... I pray for someone to ache for me the way I ache for you... If you ignore that I'm alive I've nothing to cling to I stare in this mirror So tired of this life If only you would speak to me or care if I'm alive Once I swore I would die for you But I never meant it like this I never meant like this no i never meant like this I don't know if I'm real without you What is left of me without you? I don't know whats real without you How can I exist without you? Stabbing Westward - Shame

You make it hard to breathe It's as if I'm suffocating And when you're next to me I can feel your heartbeat through my skin It makes me sad to think This all could be for nothing I wish there was a way For you to see inside of me I've never felt this way About anyone or anything Tell me What do I have to do to make you happy? What do I have to do to make you understand? What do I have to do to make you want me? And, if I can't make you want me What do I have to do? I know exactly what you're thinking But I swear this time I will not let you down I'm not as selfish as I used to be That was a part of me that never made me proud Right now I think I would try anything Anything at all to keep you satisfied God I hope you see what loving you would do to me All I want is one more chance, so tell me... What do I have to do to make you love me? Stabbing Westward - What Do I Have To Do?

Six o'clock in the morning My head is ready to explode I can't believe I made it home alive I don't remember where I went Or what I was drinking And now it's made me sick And I'm not denying That I get this way When I try to get over you I get this way When I try to get over you Sometimes it hurts So much to lose the one you love Sometimes it hurts So much to lose the one you love I tried so hard to hate you But it only makes it all worse I only end up hating myself And as my hatred grows So do the lies It's hard to face the truth sometimes God I feel so useless God I hate myself When I try to get over you I hate myself Will I ever get over you Sometimes it hurts So much to lose the one you love Sometimes it hurts So much to lose the one you love And after all this time you'd think I'd understand the way you feel But no I only think about myself And it's driving you away I always knew it would one day Sometimes it hurts So much to lose the one you love Sometimes it hurts So much to lose the one you love Sometimes it hurts So much to lose the one you love Sometimes it hurts So much to lose the one you love Stabbing Westward - Sometimes it Hurts

I gave you everything, all I could give It might not have been, the life you thought you'd live I know it feels good, to have you by my side Even though I know you could, just break my heart wide I just have to ask you, one more time. Did I make feel like number one? Did I help you see like stars in the sun? Did I make you feel like number one? Did I make you feel like lifes just begun It's like a puzzle, a piece that just fits You never really needed to look for it In your eyes I see my future and my past And, I never really thought that we wouldn't last I just have to ask you, one more. Did I make you feel like number one? Did I help you see like stars in the sun? Did I make you feel like number one? Did I make you feel like lifes just begun The way I've seen, all the good times and the bad Been waiting for the next part we never had To the highest mountain, yeah I would climb I just have to ask you, one more time. Did I make you feel like number one? Did I help you see like stars in the sun? Did I make you feel like number one? Did I make you feel like lifes just begun Yeah, yeah! Did I make you feel like number one? Did I help you see like stars in the sun? Yeah. Did I make you feel like number one? Did I make you feel like lifes just begun Yeah. Zug Izland - Feel

"Treasure" She whispers "please remember me When I am gone from here" She whispers "please remember me But not with tears... Remember I was always true Remember that I always tried Remember I loved only you Remember me and smile... For it's better to forget Than to remember me And cry" "remember I was always true Remember that I always tried Remember I loved only you Remember me and smile... For it's better to forget Than to remember me And cry... " 6 years so far. I don't know if I can handle this another year. I miss my brother, but I can understand why he did it. 6 years has gone by now and I still just mope on the 16th. Just want to cry and curl up in a ball and join him where ever he is. Open up my scars like ripping open a birthday gift. I feel so empty without him. He was my better half, my twin sorta speak. :( Today will be a bad day for me. Don't know how much I will be online. Or around at all. :( Maybe I should just give up, this feeling is just too much for me to take right now.