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What are you waiting for?
Life twists and turns, pushes and pulls,
Leaving behind a trail of carnage and lies.
Shows us as all manners of fops and fools,
Lives left in ruins, our paths in demise.
What a fool I was, what a fool I have been,
To let what was good, walk away from my life.
Twisting and raging against all that was seen,
Constantly battling life's unfair reckoning strife.
I can not undo the wrongs, never remited,
Regrets in my soul, within my heart demanding.
The path laid out before me, once committed,
Consciousness comes in waves, ever expanding.
Prophecy foretells, foreshadows time and time again,
Holding fast to the promises of redemption, reunion.
Trusting in the journey, self discovery, freedom within,
Until such a day, when worthy I find myself again.
Half of a whole, endlessly searching, searching,
To find what is lost, what has been missing within.
The path is not my own, endlessly reaching,
To become what is promised, freed from my sins.
She holds the key, wherever she may be,
My heart held captive, unwilling to be free.
For who can desire to be half of a whole,
The promise is made, to remake my world.
What do you think of when you think of me? After all these years, do you think of me at all? Do you remember the good things? How we fit together, and how we held each other? Do you think about how despite all that we didn't have, it seemed like maybe it was enough? Do you think about how I hurt you? How I didn't answer you? Do you think about how I raged at the world after I had lost what I wanted? Did you know that I cared? Did you know that I wanted you too? Did you know I was scared? And that I pretended to be something other then what I was? Do you know how losing you really affected me? Did you know that deep down that I ..... ...
Did you know then? Do you know now? Would it have made a difference? Could it make a difference?
My path is laid before me, though I know not where it leads,
Dig up my past, expose my heart and bring it to the light.
Winding through the darkest valleys, I shall have no fears,
Obstacles I shall overcome, cutting through the weeds.
This has been given me, with powerful armor for the fight ,
Matters little what is thrown at me, the hatred and the sneers.
I shall overcome, I shall endure and nothing can stop me now,
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death.
My enemy can taunt and stab, hate me and curse my name,
But he shall not hinder me, shall be no more then sweat on my brow.
I will find you my love, and shed away the serpents pith,
I do this for love, for what is right, neither fortune nor fame.
Never truer words were ever spoken,
Then that from the heart that was broken.
The hurt and the pain, may always linger,
Seeping through the brain like a splinter.
Sometimes he knows the wrongs done,
Would give the world to undo the wrong.
Nothing stings more bitterly, and completely,
Then not saying the words destined for she.
In mine I felt them and never spoke them,
and for this she was left scarred and broken.
To go back in time and tell her from the start,
That my little one, had captured my heart.
It has been a life time, 14 years, but the scars still stay, both physical and otherwise. I was 19 and you had just turned 18, you were charismatic, and yet shy. Strong, yet so vulnerable, already your life had given you more then your share, and I just added to it. I still remember walking through the park, and you asked me if I wanted a relationship with you, or if we were just fooling around. I was scared, and still trying to come into my own and figuring myself out. I wanted so much to say that I did want a relationship, but I hesitated, and you drew your own conclusion and you backed off from me, I had blown it, but worse then that I had become just another in a long line of people who hurt you and let you down. Then I had to go and tailspin out of control with my life, and you got sucked into it. Maybe you wanted to hurt me like I had hurt you, but in that moment I snapped and did something really stupid, and you got blamed for what I had done. I ultimately did the right thing, and took my blame that I so rightly deserved, after hearing you curse me, and heard you cry. I had hurt you even more, and I had never wanted to do that, but I did.
Still to this day, "I don't want the world to see me, because I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am" It haunts me more then I like to admit. I have tried finding you, and I hope that you finally found something worthy of you, I wanted to find you so I can tell you how truly sorry I am that I hurt you so badly. I want to tell you in person, but would settle for on the phone. You deserve no less then to hear me say the words, and to know that I truly mean them. Maybe you will see this, I will still look, even if it takes another 30 years
