Trixie's blog: "random ponderings"

I'm writing this so that the true reason for me leaving the lounge is known. Things around me are falling apart and I don't have the time to commit myself to anything more than my real life at the moment. I may be deleting my account but I'm not sure about that yet. However I am not a stable option for the staff at this time nor do I see that happening anytime soon. That is the reason that I left, no one else is to blame for this so if it is mentioned otherwise then that person is wrong. I love all of you and wish you the best.

I don't think that many of the peope around me can define "happy" in a way that they can measure. It's something that we all strive for, but our goals for happiness continually change. So how do you achieve happiness if you don't know how to define it. I thought that maybe by the time were in their mid 20s they could define what did and did not make them happy but I'm seeing more and more people older than I am not understanding why they are unhappy. I know what makes me happy, angry, or sad and I don't blame my feelings one way or the other on others. Own your feelings for once, own up to the fact that you just enjoy being depressed. I truly believe that many of the people around me thrive on being unhappy. I thrive on making others happy, I'm a pleaser, I go out of my way to offer to do things for others because it makes me feel good inside to know that for one second in that persons life they were counting on me. I'm a human being and my moods shift more than the tides but I own every single one of my emotions. I hate September, it's a hard month for me, I want to curl into a ball on the last day of August and not wake up until the first day of October. I don't go around showing every person I come in contact with how depressed I am when I look at the calendar and realize it's the 20th of September again. I don't want to bring everyone around me down or for my depressing attitude to define who I am. If I were to die tomorrow I want people to look back on their relationship with me and know that I cared about them. I want them to know without a doubt that I am not self centered, I care about their well being and I was there at 3 in the morning when they needed someone to vent to. Maybe i'm not that close to some of you, maybe you don't think those things and I'm sorry if we're supposed to be close friends and you don't think you'd miss me if I died. I can't change who I am for anyone, and I wouldn't if I could. I am who I am, I know what I can and can't do and when I break down because the hardest time of my life rips me apart I do it in the quiet of my own room. I can't bring myself to tear my friends apart too. Maybe I'm crazy, it seems like I am sometimes but how can I call anyone my friend if I'm going to allow my hurt, my fear, my hate become theirs. I want to make people happy, not make them as miserable as I am. 

Ok I'm done venting now..I swear I'm going to write a happy blog one of these days.

You try to be the best friend you can be, to be there for the people that need you but sometimes the stress they are under keep them from accepting the help you offer and they turn away from you.

Sometimes you need to take a step back and breathe. Sometimes you need to just think about how things are making YOU feel and tell the person hurting you to get bent.

You are a human being, not a toy, not a possession, not something to be tossed around like a ball on a whim. You are a human being who is beautiful on the inside and out, one who does more for your friends than anyone else I know. You are an amazing, inspiring human being who is being torn apart because of something beyond your control. You have to live your life, make choices to benefit you, be selfish occasionally, so the light that is your heart doesn't burn out.

Others can try to turn this into something it's not, try to discredit what I'm saying because of their own hurt feelings but I don't care. I have seen the good and bad of you, I have heard the anguish you feel, I can see the tears you cry and it breaks my heart that you are tossed around like you're worthless. I can't control other people and I wouldn't if I could, I just hope they see the pain THEY cause, the hurt THEY inflict and change before it's too late.

Feelings in a nutshell:

Do the jabs hurt? Yes

Do I wish they'd stop? Yes

Do I wish that things were the way were? Definitely

Do I think it'll happen? No

I'm still gonna act like it doesn't get to me and hope for the best.

I like to think I am a pretty intelligent person in general. I always did well in school, scored amazingly well on my SAT and was accepted to universities that most would kill to attend (I wish I could have gone to one of them in the end). I say this not to talk myself up or brag because I know there are thousands of people more intelligent than I am. I simply am giving a background of myself to relate to.
  I respect people who are both more and less intelligent than I am. I admire people who don't have to flaunt their superior vocabulary or vast knowledge in all things to know that they are indeed smart. I understand that some feel the need to prove to others how much smarter they are, what I don't understand or respect is why. I respect people who are secure enough with themselves that they don't have to be so abrupt and down putting to others around them.
  If I put my mind to correcting everything I see, hear or read I would be correcting all day long. I can school many people I know on alot of things they think they know, but I don't feel the need to make everyone around me feel inferior. Granted, I do at times correct people and sometimes I flaunt my intelligence but it is almost 99% of the time in a joking way with my husband or our friends.
  I respect people based on who they are, how they act and what they do. Your level of intelligence means nothing more to me than a possible information source in the future. I don't have the urge to use words best reserved for papers I write in school in every conversation I have to make others feel inferior. Maybe I'm crazy but I would rather not alienate people and just enjoy what I'm doing instead.

Why is it that when someone is mad at you they treat you like you have suddenly lost all capability of having intelligent thoughts?  As if just the fact that you have done something to anger them is enough to completely disregard you as having any intelligence? I saw it happen today and it amazed me, quite frankly. I thought back to when I am mad at someone and realized that I do it , not to the extent that this person did though, and I have no idea why. There isn't an explanation that I have come up with that is any good to my mind.

I can be a bitch or one of the sweetest people you'll ever meet.

I am at times loud and obnoxious and at others quiet and reserved.

I have been your best friend and your worst enemy.

I can be quick to anger and just as quickly have my heart shattered.

I sometimes say too much of what you don't want to hear and sometimes say too little of what you  need to hear.

I stand up for my friends in times of need yet have a hard time defending myself when I'm the one being criticized.

I cry, I scream, I beg and I plead and I'm not perfect.

I sometimes want more than what I can attain but am always thankful for the people in my life.

I don't always do or say the right thing but once I've let you in my heart that's where you'll stay regardless of how I hurt.

I'm embarrassed to show pain when I am injured but will willingly nurse you back to health when your weakness is shown.

I'm a myriad of emotions, sights and sounds.

I have faults, too many to count and I know I'm a waste of space.

I know my shortcomings and admit that I'll never be satisfied with myself.

I'm all of these things and more so if you can't accept me for who and what I am, then I don't need you in my life.

Just for future reference to anyone who spends the time to actually read my blogs:

                  If you think that something I write is about someone in particular come to me and talk to me about it. By going to them before knowing that is who I was talking about you cause alot of hurt that isn't necessary.

I find it sad that people who say they are my friends won't talk to me about something like that. Getting into a fight with a friend who was hurt by something not relating to him hurts me. So by not asking me you added to the pain that made me write my blog in the first place. Thanks.

I sit here on a nice peaceful day off and for no apparent reason I am in a pissed off mood. I constantly hear from everyone around me how horrible their lives are or how unhappy they are with everything. I am quite frankly tired of it all. I try to be a happy person but when I hear nothing but complaints from so many it gets trying. I got yelled at by a really close friend because I never call him to see if he's okay so he deduced that must not care about him. I believe that friendship is a two way street and he doesn't call me EVER. I am the type of person that doesn't want to impose on others so I don't constantly call friends, especially if they don't take the time to call me. If you don't call me but expect me to call you constantly to "reach out" then prepare to be disappointed. Maybe it makes me a bad friend, maybe it makes me a bad person and maybe I just don't care anymore.

If your life and everything in it sucks as horribly as you continually say it does then do something to change it. Stop bitching day in and day out about it without doing anything to make your situation change. If you're making an effort to better yourself or your situation  and you're having a rough day then I genuinely want to hear what's going on. If you're sitting there doing nothing but wallowing in your pit of misery daily and not ever having a conversation with me where you're not bitching about EVERYTHING then I don't want to hear it anymore.

Like I said maybe these thoughts make me a bad friend, strangely at this point I can live with that. I try to be there for all of my friends when they need me but it's doing nothing but making my life a living hell. I wake up and don't even want to get on the computer or attempt to talk to anyone because no one is happy with anything and it sucks.

Instead of bitching about all of the things your life lacks try being grateful for all the things you do have that could if you appreciate them make your existance worth while. I'm thankful for the people I have in my life that I know care about me as much as I care about them and their friendship. I'm thankful for my David who loves me even when I wake up cranky and snap at him because of arguments I have with others. I'm thankful for my family who loves me unconditionally as I love them. I'm thankful for my health, the fact that I have a job when so many don't and have a roof over my head. I'm thankful for so much more in my life but I'm not going to ramble on anymore. I have things to be sad about, I have friends and family members lost that I miss daily, I have dreams I haven't accomplished and plans that never came to fruition. Instead of dwelling on all of those things I'd rather live my life in the now instead of being pissy about the things that have happened that I can't change.

So one of my sisters recent started dating someone, no biggie in and of itself. However, they've been dating for a little over a month now and already her kids are suffering because of it. Staying out til all hours of the night, staying at his place, having him come sleep at my dad's house(lives there with her 3 kids) are all things she's taken to doing each week. I don't mind her happiness in fact I'm glad she finally isn't such a lonely crabby bitch. What's bothering me though is that both of her daughters now at separate times have asked me to adopt them because they don't think their mother loves them anymore now that she has a man. I started crying today when my niece (she's 6) asked me that because I don't think a child should ever doubt their mother's love. I guess maybe things were different for me growing up because my parents were married and always put me and my sisters first. I hate this feeling I have in the pit of my stomach about the whole situation. I hate knowing that she'll lock her kids out of the bedroom that the four of them share so she can spend time with him, knowing that they'll sleep with a blanket and pillow on a hardwood floor. I don't know what to do because talking to her hasn't helped and I feel like I'm failing the kids that deserve so much more than what they're getting. I do everything I can to make them know they aren't unloved but I feel completely inadequate in every way and it's breaking my heart.