Trixie's blog: "random ponderings"

I hate when people talk about committing suicide. Other than the obvious reason that I don't want someone that I care about to die it irks me to hear that they have nothing to live for. If you're living on the streets in a cardboard box because you have nothing and are dying from maggots infesting your body you've got reason to commit suicide(even then it's a horrible thing to contemplate for me). My mom passed away when I was 16 after a 7 year battle with cancer and I have missed her every day since. She more than anyone I've ever known deserved to live a long and happy life with her family. My mom was the most beautiful person I've ever known and I loved her more than my own life. She didn'tget to see me or my younger brother finish high school or her grandchildren be born even though she fought with everything in her to beat the cancer that was destroying her body. She wanted to live and the choice was taken from her, and yet people with reasons to want to live would rather contemplate ending their lives than dealing with the day to day struggle that is known as life.

I might bitch about my life from time to time when I'm feeling stressed out but I cherish my friends and family too much to even consider suicide. I lost a child because of a car accident I was in a couple years ago and wasn't myself for months after but I didn't kill myself. I was attacked by someone I thought I could trust and I still survived. Oh the opportunity presented itself many times but in ending my life I'd have devastated everyone I care about. I'll never be that much of a coward and will deal with the hand that life deals me as best as I can. I hope to live to be old and grey and will feel blessed everyday that I was given another day to show the people that mean the most to me how much I truly love them.

To all of my fu friends and family as well as my family in real life that happen to be on here I hope you all realize just how much you mean to me, and I'm grateful that you're all a part of my life!

I was reading a friend's blog earlier and find myself relating to it in ways I'd rather not.  I've looked back on my life and seen that there are so many things i wanted to accomplish and haven't at this point.  I'm 22 years old and when I see friends all around me graduating from college it makes me realize how badly I let my life slip through my fingers.  I hear from family members how I don't shape up whether it be physically, financially, emotionally or otherwise. Basically I've become a screw up in every way that counts to them. 

Alot of people know that I fell off the track that I had set for my life when my mom passed away. At 16 I lost sight of what I wanted to accomplish and since then haven't worked really hard to get it back because I realize it never really meant anything to me.

People I know with alot more heart to succeed and become something have failed so what made me think I ever could. I used to think I was smart and capable of anything, until life tore out my heart and left me to pick up the pieces. Now I just think I'm a failure.