Fleur du Mal RL GF to Bolloxs's blog: "Pagan Humor"

In the beginning there was an island off the coast of Europe. It had no name, for the natives had no language, only a collection of grunts and gestures that roughly translated to "Hey!", "Gimme!", and "Pardon me, but would you happen to have any woad?"

Then the Romans invaded it and called it Britain, because the natives were "blue, nasty, br(u->i)tish and short." This was the start of the importance of u (and its mispronounciation) to the language. After building some roads, killing off some of the nasty little blue people and walling up the rest, the Romans left, taking the language instruction manual with them.

The British were bored so they invited the barbarians to come over (under Hengist) and "Horsa" 'round a bit. The Angles, Saxons, and Jutes brought slightly more refined vocal noises.

All of the vocal sounds of this primitive language were onomatapoeic, being derived from the sounds of battle. Consonants were derived from the sounds of weapons striking a foe. "Sss" and "th" for example are the sounds of a draw cut, "k" is the sound of a solidly landed axe blow, "b", "d", are the sounds of a head dropping onto rock and sod respectively, and "gl" is the sound of a body splashing into a bog. Vowels (which were either gargles in the back of the throat or sharp exhalations) were derived from the sounds the foe himself made when struck.

The barbarians had so much fun that decided to stay for post-revel. The British, finding that they had lost future use of the site, moved into the hills to the west and called themselves Welsh.

The Irish, having heard about language from Patrick, came over to investigate. When they saw the shiny vowels, they pried them loose and took them home. They then raided Wales and stole both their cattle and their vowels, so the poor Welsh had to make do with sheep and consonants. ("Old Ap Ivor hadde a farm, L Y L Y W! And on that farm he hadde somme gees. With a dd dd here and a dd dd there...")

To prevent future raids, the Welsh started calling themselves "Cymry" and gave even longer names to their villages. They figured if no one could pronounce the name of their people or the names of their towns, then no one would visit them. (The success of the tactic is demonstrated still today. How many travel agents have YOU heard suggest a visit to scenic Llyddumlmunnyddthllywddu?)

Meantime, the Irish brought all the shiny new vowels home to Erin. But of course they didn't know that there was once an instruction manual for them, so they scattered the vowels throughout the language purely as ornaments. Most of the new vowels were not pronounced, and those that were were pronounced differently depending on which kind of consonant they were either preceding or following.

The Danes came over and saw the pretty vowels bedecking all the Irish words. "Ooooh!" they said. They raided Ireland and brought the vowels back home with them. But the Vikings couldn't keep track of all the Irish rules so they simply pronounced all the vowels "oouuoo."

In the meantime, the French had invaded Britain, which was populated by descendants of the Germanic Angles, Saxons, and Jutes. After a generation or two, the people were speaking German with a French accent and calling it English. Then the Danes invaded again, crying "Oouuoo! Oouuoo!," burning abbeys, and trading with the townspeople.

The Britons that the Romans hadn't killed intermarried with visiting Irish and became Scots. Against the advice of their travel agents, they descided to visit Wales. (The Scots couldn't read the signposts that said, "This way to LLyddyllwwyddymmllwylldd," but they could smell sheep a league away.) The Scots took the sheep home with them and made some of them into haggis. What they made with the others we won't say, but Scots are known to this day for having hairy legs.

The former Welsh, being totally bereft, moved down out of the hills and into London. Because they were the only people in the Islands who played flutes instead of bagpipes, they were called Tooters. This made them very popular. In short order, Henry Tooter got elected King and begin popularizing ornate, unflattering clothing.

Soon, everybody was wearing ornate, unflattering clothing, playing the flute, speaking German with a French accent, pronouncing all their vowels "oouuoo" (which was fairly easy given the French accent), and making lots of money in the wool trade. Because they were rich, people smiled more (remember, at this time, "Beowulf" and "Canterbury Tales" were the only tabloids, and gave generally favorable reviews even to Danes). And since it is next to impossible to keep your vowels in the back of your throat (even if you do speak German with a French accent) while smiling and saying "oouuoo" (try it, you'll see what I mean), the Great Vowel Shift came about and transformed the English language.

The very richest had their vowels shifted right out in front of their teeth. They settled in Manchester and later in Boston.

There were a few poor souls who, cut off from the economic prosperity of the wool trade, continued to swallow their vowels. They wandered the countryside in misery and despair until they came to the docks of London, where their dialect devolved into the incomprehensible language known as Cockney. Later, it was taken overseas and further brutalized by merging it with Dutch and Italian to create Brooklynese.

That's what happened, you can check for yourself.

A fundamentalist preacher was taking a walk one day and happened upon a young girl who was playing with something in a cardboard box. When he got closer he could see that in the box was a litter of new-born kittens.

"What kind of kittens are those?" asked the preacher.
"Why, they're Christian kittens," replied the littlegirl.

The preacher walked on, pleased to see that the little girl had Jesus foremost in her thoughts.

A few days latter the preacher saw the little girl again.

"And how are your little Christian kittens doing today?" asked the man of God.
"Oh, they aren't Christian kittens, they're Pagan kittens," replied the girl.
"But...but... I thought you said last week that they were Christian kittens," sputtered the flabbergasted preacher.

"Oh, they were. But now their eyes are open."

You’re probably Wiccan if…

v     You spend time at work complaining that you blew up your kitchen last night all because you added Burdock Root to the pot.

v     You spend so much time staring at the candle scents in Yankee candle that when you see “Plastic Bags” you think it’s a candle scent, too

v     You walk into a Christian store just for the heck of it

v     You ask a customer annoying questions such as: “What’s God’s name?” and “Have you ever read the bible?”

v     You wear excessive amounts of one color (for a good reason)

v     You wear shirts that say “Pagan and Proud” or “Magick is afoot”

v     You give yourself the title of “Lady” or “Lord”

v     You name yourself after a god or goddess

v     You name your kids after gods or goddesses

v     The first thing you ask your friend when you walk into their house is, “So, where’s the herb cabinet?”

v     You have so many candles in your house that if the power goes out, it comes back on before you light every single one

v     When someone asks for more light, you happily pull a candle and matches out of your pocket, light the candle, and set it by them

v     You have so many candles, incense and scented oils, you could pick out the scent while blindfolded

v     You had such strong incense in your college dorm room, your mates started to avoid going in there even if it was the closest restroom

v     You were so obsessed with fire as a kid that your extremely worried parents sent you first to a therapist, then a boarding school

v     You got kicked out of the school for burning too many candles

v     You laugh hysterically during the New Life Church commercials

v     You call the church anyway, asking the same questions as the Christian store customer

v     Plus, you ask, “Have you ever seen God?” (or other questions

v     When they answer no (or whatever), you hang up and laugh.

v     You do that so often that your house, cell, and work numbers have been given to each member of the church and they’ve been told to ignore calls from them

v     You finally reveal your identity (and religion), after which everyone from New Life is calling you

v     When one calls you, you sing (in between the yelling), “Don’t try to fix me, I’m not broken.” (Evanescence)

v     Then, after listening, you say, “My goddess gave birth to your god.”

v     You hang up, and go back to meditating

v     When someone tells you your going to hell, you look all thoughtful and say, “So, how do you know there’s a hell?”

v     They answer, “It’s in the Bible,” and then you say, “Well, let’s say your god is good, right? So, why would he condemn someone who simply decided differently to the fires of hell?”

v     When security checks your purse, they find birthday candles, tinfoil, and a mojo bag

v     You keep a broom in your coat closet wrapped in black velvet

v     In your house, there are two types of mirrors: reflection and scrying

v     You got arrested for doing a skyclad ritual at the public park

v     Silver is the only jewelry you will wear

v     Every time someone mentions the devil’s star, you go off on a rant that it’s only Satanist when turned upside down and Earth and Fire are on top

v     To you, the Holy Grail is Cerridwyn’s cauldron

v     Mary Magdalene was your favorite Bible character

v     You’re going to name your daughter Mary Magdalene

v     When people come to eat lunch with you, you yell at them that they just broke your circle

v     You get suspended for disrupting class while learning about the witch hunts

v     You like King Arthur legends either because of Merlin or Morgan of the Faeries

v     Fairies, to you, is spelled, “Faeries”

v     You have multiple imaginary friends and swear they aren’t imaginary, they’re spirit guides

v     Your favorite Macbeth characters were the 3 witches

v     You claim the “miracles” mentioned in the bible are truly magick

v     When someone tells you we’re going to die in 10 years, you say, “Nostradamus said we’d die sometime in 3000, not 2000

v     Whenever you used the word “magick” in school, you got points taken off because you refused to leave off the “k”

v     When asked what your favorite color is, you don’t just answer black. Instead, you say, “Black. It’s for protection

v     When asked what religion you are, you go off on a long rant about, “Well, I’m on the Druidic path, but if that there’s Druidactos, Gwyddonic…” finally finishing with, “Well, so, I’m a Reformed Druid.”

v     When you were asked to find a slogan for school, you chose, “Cast the circle thrice about, to keep the evil spirits out

v     You chose anything from the Rede for your slogan

v     You try to get out of work on Feb. 2 (any Sabbats…) telling your boss, “But, it’s a holiday!

v     You also attempt to get out of work on Esbats

v     Your very annoyed boss fires you

v     Left with no work, you open your own place where everyone has Sabbats & Esbats off

v     You clearly label “wedding” pictures with “Handfasting”

v     When you get bored, you write a letter to someone across the world in an ancient alphabet (Ex: Runes, Greek)

v     When you have a cold, you refuse medicine, and instead mix Auge Weed, Coltsfoot, and Ragwort

v     Then, you drink it

v     Your special remedy for acne is Witch Hazel

v     Your special remedy for blemishes is Dandelions

v     Therefore, you are constantly seen across the street weeding the neighbors’ lawns

v     You get kicked out of the movie theater during “Harry Potter” because you kept shouting, “That’s not magick!”

v     You constantly wear hair ribbons so you can always make a circle

v     When someone says, “Amen (or god bless you),” you smile and say, “Yes, Blessed Be to you, too.”

v     You wrote a letter to the government about taking “under god” out of the pledge

v     You tried to change “God bless America” to “Goddess bless America”

v     You started jumping up and down when you saw Colorado was trying to make a “Garden of the Goddesses” next to “Garden of the Gods” to make the Pagans happy

v     Charmed is your favorite show mainly because it’s one of the few shows or movies that shows the possibility of magick

v     You ask your friend if they want you to call their ancestor to them for any kind of advice, saying, “You know, people from olden times give great advice on modern problems…”

v     You walk around on Feb 2, saying, “Happy Imbolc!”

v     Everything you see, you try to relate to magick

v     You laughed at most of the things on this list, and found most of it was true for you

v     A lot of your friends didn’t get it

v     You then read “You might be a Goth” to see if that’s also true

When the whole family thinks your weird
But your the first person they call on to Bless their new house :)

When your playing cards with a friend
and the cards tell you more than what they are holding in their hand :)

When the whole family thinks your weird
but have you read the cards/runes for them every chance they get :)

Whenever some one falls ill
your the one they call .... before they call the doctor

 Anything weird happens and
and you feel like a sub branch of ghost busters ...who ya gonna call ? :)

pon 40 days of Prayre and Fasting, with Purest Faithe andCalling unto the Gods...

I. Clasp near thy rod of power (a.k.a. a telephone)

II. Call forth for ye Spirits of Travelle and theire nefarious Agents

III. Yea, state and visualize thy destination --thrice, for the Agents of Travel to Comprhende Thee...

IV. Yea, Task them and overcome them in Ye Test of Wills

V. SPEAKE THE WORDS OF POWER: VISA, MASTERCARD, AMEX

VI. Two weeks hence, take ye under New Moon to Clearing of the Travel

VII. Present Thyself in Trembling and Loathing to the Guardians of the Towers of the North, East, South and West and Present to them the holy scroll of the High Priestess: TICKET

VIII. Pass ye surely through the Elemental Detector and its "Ever Alert" guardians of Thy Safety (But not Thy Rights)

IX. Wait Until the Stars show, the wind blows and the new grass grows

X. When your Gryphon of Metal arriveth (and, ha, craven fool, it arriveth not when ye expect but only upon the winged beast's good and fickle pleasure), board it and fly away.

(Tune: I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy)

I'm a Wiccan-Shaman-Druid,
I am new age through and through.
Decked in crystals from my head to toe,
With feathers and pyramids, too.
My spirit-guide is from Atlantis.
He's a Zen-Aztec guru.
Come and spend the weekend with us,
For two thousand dollars
You'll be a Wiccan-Shaman too.

I'm an Elvis-Loki-Viking.
I channel Ashley Montague.
In a former life I was a gypsy clerk,
Bull fighter, and troubadour, too.
I know five Illuminati,
They're a strange and motley crew.
There's a priest from ancient China,
He lives in my basement.
He is an Elvis-Viking too.

My coven is part Rosicrucian,
Mixed with some Theosophy.
Add in some stuff from the Golden Dawn,
`Cause Crowley's just all right with me.
I've got twelve initiations,
I've seen all there is too see.
And watch out for those strange Co-Mason-Santaria-Druids,
They'll cement your chickens to a tree.

I've got a pipe ceremony,
Adapted from the O.T.O.
I use a sweatlodge for my Beltane rites,
The Maypole is just there for show.
I have got a glass athame,
With batteries to make it glow.
It's just great for calling quarters
In my new tradition:
The Lynn Andrews-Buckland-Starhawk Grove.

Now for those of you who are new, and have never encountered persons calling themselves pagans, witches, goddess-worshippers, here's how to tell us apart--with a healthy bit of tongue in one's cheek. Is this the first time you've seen this many pagans together? Well, you're in for a deflowering, young earth-worshipper, and you've come to the right place. However, you should realize that there are many, many types of pagans. In the old day's, we old farts just had to keep making the rounds until we either found a group that wouldn't kick us out or founded our own clique. But now, progress has brought us many different flavors to choose from. 1. Bright-Eyed Novice: You just read this cool book about a religion where there's a Goddess and a God, and they meet outside in nature, instead of some scary old building. They think sex is GOOD not evil, and you want to know where to sign up. Distinguishing Signs: Mispronounces god/dess names, has to think a moment about which is deosil and which is widdershins. Has a shiny new athame (rhymes with "A-frame".) 2. Grand Old Wo/Man: Actually remembers Woodstock (the first one.) Will tell you about the time they dropped acid with Kerry Wendell Thornley - or maybe it was Robert Anton Wilson. Anyway, it was somebody with three names. Or was it three people with one name? Distinguishing Signs: Luxuriant gray locks, listens very intently, knows dish about people you've only read about. 3. Tree Hugging Nature Sprite: Most prized possession: one of Judi Barry's old tree spikes. Simultaneously believes in universal love for humanity and returning the planet to a pristine, uncorrupted state. Apt to remove clothes and fondle the shrubbery at a moment's notice. Can discuss compost in great detail. Distinguishing Signs: No meat, no fragrance, no leather, no plastic, no smoke, no drugs, no eco-exploitive products, no animal tested cosmetics, no TV, no car, but very tolerant. 4. Anal Retentive Ceremonialist: Book collection actually holds up the ceiling in places. Is studying Greek, Latin and Hebrew all at once. Does "workings" instead of "rituals". All twenty volumes of their magical diaries are all in Enochian. Distinguishing Signs: Won't go anywhere without a book. Is constantly aware of which direction is east. Dresses according to planetary conditions, or whatever was on sale at Wal-Mart. 5. Womyncentric Gynocrat A man's shadow crossed her altar once and she spent three weeks purifying it. She'll have no wands in her chalice, thank you. No boys allowed in her full-moon club. Can hold forth for hours on the magical properties of menstrual blood. Distinguishing Signs: Tiny axes or curved knives, just right for amputating a penis, are a favored symbol and often hang conveniently from her body parts. When a man approaches she rolls her eyes and stops talking. 6. Sexy Pagan Nymph: Oh, they're so nice! All that warm, round, sex-positive flesh -- and you can actually carry on a conversation with them between orgasms... pant, drool... Distinguishing Signs: Cute. Horny. Displays prominent cleavage. Will recite love poetry to you under a full moon. Likes to do it outdoors. Often destitute. All too few of them. 7. Corporate Closet Witch: "Hey, boss -- I'd like to take February 2nd as a personal day..." Has an entire chapter of their Book Of Shadows concerned with spells for purifying the workplace. Doesn't mind working on Christmas, especially if there's overtime involved. Quit being overtly Pagan at work since being canned by that born-again boss, but still refuses to say "Merry Christmas." Distinguishing Signs: Can assume a properly smiley work persona at the drop of a hat. Constantly glances around the room anxiously looking for co-workers and their spies. Non-distinctive style of dress, no conspicuous tattoos. 8. Childe Of Kaos: Can name seventeen industrial goth bands without pausing to think. Knows what a Prince Albert is. Personally feels that if no panicky headlines appear the day after you do a ritual, you screwed up. Painted on their jacket, engraved in their flesh and/or boldly displayed as jewelry is an emblem which resembles a combination of corporate logo and arcane symbol. If you don't know what it means, they'll think you're a dweeb. Distinguishing Signs: Easy to picture as an alternative musician or bike messenger, difficult to visualize as a school teacher or research assistant, impossible to imagine as a TV news anchor or bank officer. Always wears black leather, even when sleeping. 9. Pagan Celebrity: At conventions, stays on the hotel floor that requires a special key for elevator access. Lurks around knots of conversation eavesdropping in order to see if their name is being mentioned. Arrives in helicopter especially for rituals. Starts every sentence with "I". If you ask them how it's going, they hand you a press release. Distinguishing Signs: Always has plenty of books to autograph and will personally sell them to you at a slight discount from cover price. Never seen unaccompanied by beefy amazonian bodyguards and doe-eyed hangers-on. Seems vaguely afraid of anyone they don't already know. 10. Scary Devil Worshipper: Would never been caught dead skyclad. Rarely smiles, except in a snide, knowing way which insinuates you are an ignorant peasant worthy of conquest. Secretly enjoys Rush Limbaugh and read The Bell Curve with smug satisfaction. Fascinated with Nazis. Probably has never hurt a fly, but they want you to think they're capable of vast destruction. Distinguishing Signs: Lots of black and red. Men like goatees, women favor heavy black eye liner. At least one inverted pentagram somewhere on their person. If you see several of them getting tanked in a bar, it would be wise to stay far away. 11. Crowley-In-A-Past-Life: Every magical gathering has at least one of these, along with several variants along the lines of Gerald Gardner, Tituba, Morgan LeFey, or somebody who was Atlantean royalty. Many of them were abducted by aliens recently, and have disturbing dreams rich with arcane symbolism that they will tell you all about, in great detail. Distinguishing Signs: Look for the intense gleam in the eyes, the backpack rattling with various psychiatric medications, and the garments that were clearly designed and tailored on another planet. 12. Ravin' Pagan: Young and psychedelic. Can dance non-stop all night. Refuses to do boring Eurocentric rituals and prefers deities from sunny climes with lots of interesting local plants. Can say "Ayahuasca" ten times real fast and deliver long quotes from Terrence McKenna. Distinguishing Signs: Dresses in color combinations that hurt the eyes unless you've taken ecstasy. Bloodshot eyes, blissful smile, never goes anywhere without ritual drum. 13. Faerie Queen: Is he a she? Is she a he? Are they a couple, or are those two a couple or are all four of them a quadruple? If getting answers to these questions could disturb you, best stay away. If, on the other hand, these kind of questions seem overly judgmental, you might have a real good time... Distinguishing Signs: When you look at this person, does every sex act you've ever experienced in your life seem hopelessly vanilla? If so, congratulations -- you've found a Faerie! 14. High Episcopagan: Do their rituals have a script, a choreographer, a stage manager, an orchestra with chorus and last at least three hours? It's a High Episcopagan! They can memorize pages and pages of Olde English, have more ritual garbs than most people have socks, and consider their main pagan influences to be Gerald Gardner, Judy Garland and Busby Berkeley. Distinguishing Signs: Book of Shadows exceeds five volumes. Knows every note of "Carmina Burana". Don't ask them about that 18th century seed pearl trim on their ritual hat unless you've got an hour to spare. 15. Fundamentapagan: If it's in a book, it must be true. If it's in an old book, it must really be true. If it's in an old book that was handed down from an oral tradition of people who couldn't read, then it must really be way true. Gnashes their teeth if anyone shows up at a circle wearing a watch, glasses, or other mechanical assistance. Believes that anyone who lives in a city, eats meat or has a regular job dare not call themselves a pagan. Distinguishing Signs: Has hissy fits when somebody brings up the old "Crowley ghosted Gardner's books" argument. Goes around correcting everyone's gaelic/old norse/latin/babylonian. 16. Dances With Bunny Rabbits: Uses animal symbolism to express nearly all opinions and feelings. Charter member of PETA. Thinks meat eaters should be publicly executed. Has many, many, many pets. Has a spirit animal. Personally owns 927 models, pictures, and other depictions of their spirit animal. Distinguishing Signs: Not counting the pagan his/herself, how many animals can you see when looking at them? If the count surpasses five (including critters found on tattoos, jewelry, garments and undies), you've found a worshipper of beasties. 17. Priest/ess of Political Correctness: Analyzes everything they read or hear for sexist-racist-homophobic-imperialist-Eurocentric content without paying attention to what is actually being said. Believes in personal liberty -- everyone has the right to be overbearing, dogmatic and holier-than-thou, not just the Christian Right. Incredibly boring yet annoyingly self-righteous all at the same time. Distinguishing Signs: Beady hyper-alert little eyes are constantly in motion, waiting for someone to do or say something bad. Has loud and attention attracting hissy fits when confronted with everyday things such as advertising or corporate franchises. Rudimentary sense of humor is rarely activated. 18. Our Lady Of Intense Suffering: Is constantly persecuted. You're probably persecuting her right now, you just don't realize it. Became a Pagan because she decided it was that most persecuted religion of all. Can't enjoy anything because it would be selfish to have any fun when so many are suffering. Distinguishing Signs: Tales of woe. Even less of a sense of humor than #17. Bristles when anyone says the words "masochist" or "whining". 19. I Am Not Spock (at the moment): Knows at least three filks about Cthulhu and at least forty Star Trek jokes. Has found a clever way to create simple furniture from stacks of science fiction paperbacks. Can name ninety different kinds of space ship. Distinguishing Signs: Two fisted drinking style. Probably still lives with parents. Many cryptic buttons, badges, patches and other insignia. Too smart for their own good. 20. Het-Case: Insist that they aren't homophobic; they just believe that Paganism is about a goddess and a god and they do it and what could be more obvious than that? It just doesn't "work right" if you try any other way! Are secretly afraid that gays and/or lesbians are dying to jump their tender hetro bones. Distinguishing Signs: Living spaces abound with depictions of satyrs with enormous genitals and huge-breasted, doe-eyed goddesses. Long manicured nails and wreaths of flowers (on females only -- men have big, bushy beards instead.) 21. Norse Code: Heroic and vikingly, these pagans often get into trouble with festival organizers and park rangers due to their fondness for running around with a huge battle-ax in one hand and a full mead horn in the other. They throw the best parties, but if you're a wimp, you're expressly not invited. Distinguishing Signs: Look for the large, foreboding, biker-like persons wearing runes, with many pounds of amber dangling from their necks. 22. Pentacles, Inc: Pagans have disposable income too, right? So how come they aren't buying my hand forged Venus of Willendorf necklaces -- they come in silver and gold, and each one has a genuine cubic zirconium belly button. Would you like a reading? Will that be Visa or Master Card? Distinguishing Signs: Has business cards featuring little embossed pentagrams. You've never seen so much Egyptian god/dess jewelry on a human being in your whole life. Rarely leaves the dealer's room and can't believe there are so many jewelry sellers present. 23. Monster Truck Pagan: Can grow their own food, build their own house, sew their own clothes, home school their children and brew their own organic hooch. Are looking forward to the bleak, post-apocalyptic world postulated by the environmentalists as they can't wait to run amok through the country, worshipping ancient gods, blowing up strip malls and rutting on the divider line of every interstate. Distinguishing Signs: Resourceful, clever and very well versed in the U. S. Constitution. Eats meat with visible twitches of pleasure. is aware that primitive religions have nothing to do with crystals, Atlantis or unicorns. Can assume a properly smiley work persona at the drop of a hat. Constantly glances around the room anxiously looking for co-workers and their spies. Non-distinctive hair, no conspicuous tattoos. ... You may be a monster-truck pagan if your anointing oil is 30 weight. ... You may be a monster truck pagan if cakes & wine means tailgate party. ... You may be a monster truck pagan if Autumn is the Burning Time.

Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of an amateur. Familiarize yourself with the specifications for sacrificial victims, and ensure that unacceptable substitutes cannot be unexpectedly introduced into the ceremony. If the penalty for not-to-specs work is death and/or mutilation, consider working for a more fault-tolerant deity. Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of your deity's name in the privacy of your own room before chanting it in public. Flash cards are often helpful. Before agreeing to impregnation by a supernatural being, investigate the survival rate of the other women who have undergone the procedure. Never invoke anything bigger than your head. Eschew deities whose followers are all young; such faith groups usually employ an unpleasant retirement procedure. Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over ten pounds in weight -- it attracts unwelcome attention from tourists, policemen, various supernatural creatures, and can be downright dangerous during thunderstorms. Its jingling also tends to warn the hero of your approach. Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress this enough. Pastel colored candles in the shape of cute animals are like direct sunlight to the Powers of Darkness. If the spirit contacted during a seance begins offering financial advice, you're dealing with a con artist, and not a genuine medium. Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, Thuggee cord, service revolver, garlic, and cab fare. Fluorescent lighting is very annoying to most netherworldly creatures. When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil Priest. Enraged Demons always go for the pompous. When a religious artifact begins emitting light, close your eyes. Thousands of cult members could be saved every year if they followed this simple safety tip. When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles. During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now generally considered "bad form." Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When The ritual goes awry, it is vitally necessary to be able to discern between The gibbering monstrosity to pump full of silver bullets and the gibbering monstrosity that will fade away after a few hours, some B complex, and a good hot bath. Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature, can stand against one who is true to his faith, his god/goddess, and the deal made In exchange for the soul. However, it is also true that gods tend to side With the heaviest artillery, so be prepared to change sides at the drop of a hat. For those situations where a fresh, living, sacrifice is not available, The lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a previously frozen Chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it. However, a mock victim sculpted from Spam is unacceptable. Instead of picking human victims who are young, virginal and innocent (and tend to turn out to be the Hero's girlfriend), see if you can substitute mass murderers, lawyers, and other people who won't be missed.

1. Your BOS has spots on the pages from spilled brews. 2. When cleaning house you have to specify. "Where is the broom? No, not the broom, where is the one to clean the floor with?" 3. Candle wax has dripped on your keyboard. 4. There are more jars of strange smelling plants in your cupboards than there are cereal boxes. 5. Friends know they can always give you candles and incense as a gift. 6. When watching old re-runs of Bewitched, you find you side with Samantha's mother Endora. 7. When travelling, stranger and stranger strangers tell you their problems. 8. You find yourself making corn dollies in the checkout line at the grocery store (well, I thought about it). 9. You ask for Halloween off, because it's a religious holiday. 10. You start answering the phone with "Merry Meet".