Aims2Please's blog: "On my mind"

I hate to admit it, but Cherry Tap hasn't been the greatest experience for me. It was all fine and dandy when I first got started, but well...maybe it's just me. Don't know how to make friends. I'm not talking about the people who add you. Those people checked my page once and never returned. I did however meet a FEW fun and interesting people, a couple of which I still talk to, thankfully. Ah well. I'm sure I won't be missed. Heh, nobody even knows me. For those of you who likes CT, kudos to you. Best wishes and have nice lives. Take care.

Everyone has the right to spaz every now and then. I hear a lot of the shit goin on. I hear Mom spaz about Dad, I hear Dad spaz on Mom, I hear Dess spaz on Kev, I hear Shanika spaz on Drew...hell, sometimes I even spaz on Corinn and Cookie. Shit happens, people spaz out, start yellin, then shit cools down. Yesterday, I was sitting in the living room watching Mark and Kev fight Tee-Ski and Nevon in No Mercy for the Nintendo 64. Yeah, old school classic shit that evidently to them never gets old. I can relate. Not my cup of tea, but I can still relate. Anyway, Mom walks by saying "I hope someone fixed Dessa's plate. All the food is gone. Did someone fix it?" Nobody answered. I certainly didn't know, and honestly I didn't think about it. She made spaghetti and meatballs. Dess was at work and was on her way home. It's really not like me to not even think about who didn't eat. I guess it's always because I'm usually under the impression lately that there's enough food for everyone and don't forsee Joe eating over here, Jay eating over here, maybe Nevon or Tee on occasion, so just assume that either someone fixed Dessa's plate, or that there'll be enough food for her to fix it herself when she gets home. Mom started yelling. "She's the only one who works while the rest of you niggas just sit on your ass all day and she can't even come home to something to eat?" Well, I brushed that off. Assumed that wasn't directed directly towards me, but regardless it triggered some random thoughts. Like for example, she didn't say shit about Dad, who also didn't eat, and he's the one who brings home the bacon anyway. But of course, she doesn't like Dad these days so I guess that'll be the explanation for that. Tonight, I didn't even expect to see a plate fixed for me when I got home. Is that fucked up that she spazzes the night before on something, but doesn't do anything to prevent it from happening again? Don't get me wrong, I'm not stressin it because if there hadn't been any food when I got home, I wouldn't have starved. Maybe went to bed hungry, but I would've got me something in the morning. Wouldn't have even had a complaint about it, but that's just how it is I guess. The only one who has the right to complain about not eating is Dad in my eyes. Spends X amount of dollars for groceries a week, and there are days he still has to eat fast food. I hear this from him all the time. I'm finally getting sick of fast food. It's all I eat now. Working in the mall, it's either eat it or starve til I get home...when I'll probably starve anyway or end up eating more fast food. I don't need to gain any more weight. If anything, I want to start eating healthier. Someone told me that if you eat healthy, your cum tastes better. I'm certainly not trying to test this theory out, but if someone wants to be a guinea pig to help me test it, let me know. *Evil grin* Today at work was kinda fucked up. When I got there, it was just Tara. She was engraving a shit load of flasks. I got there, sold a big ass moby mug, engraved it in like 5 seconds, then had nothing to do until Shanna got there when she asked me to sort the stock room out. So, that's what I did pretty much all day. Label flutes, sort them, make them look as neat as I can, find picture frames that I ain't seen in ages, and other missing things so that we can make room for wedding shipment that's supposed to come in soon. 8 o'clock came and I was about ready to clock out. Shanna asked me if I'd stay a bit longer so she could get a cig break. Of course I'm gonna say "no problem" because that's like my favorite phrase nowadays. When she got back, I called Dess to ask her if she could pick me up, then Dad, who wouldn't pick up his cell phone, so that meant I was gonna public transportation my ass home. This lady comes into the store at about 8:30 and decides she wants to get a graduation diploma holder engraved and was picking it up tonight. We told her it would be ready by close, but she didn't fuckin care. THEN, Shanna tells me to show this other lady (named Monalisa by the way, which I found interesting) some key chains. Late Mother's Day shopping. Man...she bought a bracelet, 6 vienna key chains, 2 star key chains, and a multicalc pen set, and wanted everything engraved with about $12 of engraving on each item. When I finally finish ringing this lady up, it came up to $299. She paid for it, THEN decides she wants to get the pens in the multi calc pen set engraved. I didn't even charge her for that. I just wanted to start engraving so I could get out of there. That was when Shanna reminded me that the people before key chain lady were coming back to pick up the holder. What I didn't know was that Shanna didn't know how to engrave the holder. She was like "how'd you do that?" Haha. Kinda made me feel a bit good. I finished the diploma holder, showed it to the lady who was standing there waiting for it, and she told me that it was wrong. SO...I had to engrave the shit OVER. It took me a long time just to get the shit set up, not to mention she had $21 of engraving on the little shit. By the time I finished that, it was 10, and Monalisa was there asking me if I finished her key chains. Bitch, I ain't even START the shits yet. You seen me engraving this chicks fuckin diploma holder. When did I have time to throw your measly ass cheap ass keychains in the machine? OMG I wanted to say that so bad, but the only thing that came out was..."nope" as I turned around, silently engraving the keychains. Shanna takes over the talking a lot. She's professional with it. "We told you that they'd take about an hour, and he just finished that lady's certificate holder because she was here before you. He's just now starting to do the keychains for you". I was hoping that'd be enough so that she would go home and pick them up tomorrow. Heh, I should've known that Monalisa would stay there like an aged painting. Shanna's fiance Emily came in and helped me with the engraving, thank God. I knocked out the 6 vienna keychains with no problem, and let Emily handle the rest of the order. When I did the last keychain, Shanna let me go with an "I love you Scott!!!" I smiled and yelled it back to her as I left. Monalisa and her band of goons were still in the store, I guess waiting for Emily to finish the pens. She thanked me for all of my help. I just said... "no problem". I just got home at 12:30. A bit tired. I called Raquel, who was going to bed so we didn't get to talk. I fixed a small plate, heated it up, ate it, came down here, talked to Di (a friend of mine from pokerstars), responded to a message from Tara who evidently loves My Immortal now, checked my CherryTap and E-mail, and now about to go see what Mark's up to. So, just to let you all know, I love y'all. *hugs all around* I'll be in touch.

Ever sense I put that picture of me and my grandmother on CT, I noticed that a lot of people been rating it 10s. Well, except for one person who rated it a 2 anonymously but eh. Who cares? My thing is, a lot of people go by and rate, but won't say a word. Just about every person who rates a picture of mine, I send them a message on their shout box, or on their page just to see if they'll talk back. None of them ever do, so what's the point of this site if you don't want to meet someone? "Fuck it. I'll get me some cherry points." Fuck cherry points.

Tomorrow is my grandmother's funeral. I'm not going. I feel mom needs me more. She doesn't go to funerals and quite honestly, I'm not fond of them either. Who is? Today they had the final thing where you can view the body, finalize the obituary and whatever else is involved with a funeral. I took a cab to the funeral place with my cousins John and Jay. Dad was supposed to pick us up, but he got busy with something. When the cab came, mom was in tears. I walked to her, hugged her, kissed her on the forehead and told her I wouldn't be gone long. Ironic that the last song I heard in the cab was "Lost Without You" by Robin Thicke. If you don't know the song, just look at the name of it to reflect how I was feeling. Yeah, the song is a hit and is very popular, so I guess I should've expected to hear it. When I got there, I saw Dess standing in front of the room Dad was in having a conference with one of the people who works there. Joe and Mark were there also. Dad took us in the room to view the body. Jay and I stood there. I just stared at her from a bit of a distance, just imagining her voice in my head. Tears were streaming. Dess came in with some tissue for me, then stood next to Jay and hugged him. After a while, Jay left. I stood there a bit longer, bent down and kissed Mama on her cold forehead. God...I'm never gonna forget this feeling. I walked out, and saw Dess again, and wrapped my arms around her and just took all my strength to keep it together enough that I didn't fall on the floor crying hysterically. Instead, it was just...sobbing to the point I couldn't breathe. I had to walk outside, where I stayed for about 15 minutes until I could keep it together enough to sit at the table with my brother and father and finalize the obituary. It's gonna be rough for Mom tomorrow. I'm just gonna make sure she knows she has me there for her. I'm not going to the funeral. Gonna be here with her. That's the best I can do. Take care everyone. *hugs all around* Love y'all

I got online today and found my friend Christine left me an e-mail. So now, I'm sittin here crying again, but I love the gesture. While I was reading it, I was thinking about the time I was watching Christine down here on her webcam. Mama Dru got up and was like "Scott, is that your girlfriend?" I was like "No, that's Christine." Mama was like "well damn. She's beautiful. You should marry that one." Haha. ...thanks Christine. Love you too. Here is the e-mail in it's entirety: *hUgZ* well i know that there isn't much that could be said about your loss...but ehh i figured that IT waz worth a shot: Mama Dru... I'm sorry to say that i will never get the chance to meet you For you are gone... But your memory will live on... In the hearts of your family... Especially thru scotty'z... I wish there waz more for me to do... Cuz i hate to see all the pain and sufferin that your family must go thru... But in the end... All i can be is scotty'z friend... and lend him my ear... for i am alwayz near... In his heart... & him in mine...for we will never part... Til the day that we may all meet... even though this may be bittersweet... you will be missed... & i know that you will forever treasure that 1 last kiss... From your precious grandson's lipz... As you watch from above... Just know how much you are loved... R.I.P ,Mama Dru Hope that you liked it!! =.. and soo i'm soooo sorry that i wazn't "THERE" for you!! but ehh i'm here for you NOW...and alwayz!!!!!! tho k?? soo i love you scotty-o!!!!! your family is in my thoughtz and my prayerz!!!!!!! *HuGz* Love alwayz, ChRiSTiNe =P I thank Christine from the bottom of my heart. She's great. Amy also sent me a poem. She said it's from her great aunt's funeral yesterday. My heart goes out to her also, because I didn't know she had lost anyone. I'm not sitting here just wallowing in my own sadness because of my grandmother's death, but in fact as always, I'm asking everyone about their own problems, and still want to help. If anyone needs to talk, I'll lend you my ear as always. Thank you Amy. Much love to you. *hugs tight and kotc* God saw she was getting tired, and a cure was not to be; So he put his arms around her, and whispered, "Come with Me." With tearful eyes we watched her suffer, and saw her fade away; Although we loved her dearly, we could not make her stay. A golden heart stopped beating, hard working hands to rest; God broke our hearts to prove to us, He only takes the Best! "A Consolidation Meditation"

Hello everyone. Mama Dru died today. Yeah, I'm not gonna sit here sugar coating shit. She's gone. I know you're gonna be like "OMG. What happened?" I don't know. She died. Don't know how, and we're not gonna have an autopsy done. Could've been a couple of things. Laura and Kerry both came here today and were like "I read your previous blogs before. Damn, that's crazy." I didn't think she was this close to death. I was here last night and she was fine. She was FUCKING FINE!!! I go to bed after 5 AM, and wake up to the sound of my mother screaming "MAMA!!!" from downstairs. I knew what happened instantly. Don't know how though, and I still don't. Called people, people came, pop made funeral arrangements I guess, called more people, people called us, and I decided to call Amber, Sonya, and Teresa to let them know what was going on. Left a message on Leigh's voicemail. Didn't think of anyone else to call. Christine maybe but...*shrugs* Time is sketchy with her. Anyone else you can read it here or I'll text message you on Mark's phone. Throughout the day, everyone has said "if there's anything I can do, you let me know." Jay said it best. "I fuckin hate that shit. NO there ain't shit you can do. Can you buy a pulse? Can you replace a heart? Can you wake the dead? Then fuck you." Well, so I improvised a small amount, but that's pretty much what he said. Jay and I went in the back to Mom's room. He looked at me and said "Scotty, the last time I seen your face like that Mama Dessa died." I simply told him "...it doesn't change" and he nodded in agreement. I appreciate the thought, but the only other thing that anyone can do for me is take me away from here. For a day, for a week. I need to breathe some new air, but I want to be with someone close to me. I've hugged family all day and I'll hug a lot more as time progresses. I'm here for them as they are for me, and I know the same can be said for all of you. So I'm super emotional right now and I'm gonna say I love everyone. I'm sorry for being who I'm not. The last couple of days I been jealous, mad, attention-starved, and unhappy. Last night I realized this. Sonya helped me realize it. She helped me remember who I am, but I was acting like a fool towards her I feel like. She's keeping me straight. Those who dislike her, don't. She's a wonderful person. She's not out to hurt me, but it's more me doing the damage to myself since I love her so much. She wants me to stay away, but to still be a friend. Same can be said for a few people. But you know what, I'm better off as a friend, and that's what you all have in me, and you've let me see that I have that in you also. Even Raquel called today. I haven't heard from her in a long time, but somehow she called today. I've been a bit upset with her, and I shouldn't have been. She sees me as the same friend everyone else does. I'm not hiding behind emotions anymore. I'm just gonna come out and be Scott. The kind, selfless person I always have been, but not a fool. Still gonna maintain my wit and keep with the jokes and minor teasing. I feel like I'm being upgraded. If there's something you want to do for me? Just love me for who I am, and don't give me shit for what I'm not.

It's weird. I've never been so sad when an animal has died before. I mean, it was always sad losing a pet, and God forbid something happens to Buttons, but we hadn't even had Mufasa and Scar that long. Eh, they say death is a part of life, and Scar's brief life had to be an enjoyable one. He got his satisfaction hunting little mice, chasing squirrels, catching birds and bringing them into the house alive, then leaving it. Mark has several videos of the 2 cats playing in his videos section on his Myspace page that he's taken with his camera phone. Today I came down here to see if someone was online, just looking for someone to chat with. Heather was online, but shortly had to go somewhere with her mother so we didn't talk that long. After she left I went on my way back upstairs. I stopped in my tracks because I saw Mufasa. He was walking slowly, sniffing the area Scar was laying in the night before. His blood is still in a small puddle in the street by the sidewalk, and there's a bit of it splattered ON the sidewalk. As Mufasa was sniffing, I noticed he jumped, kinda flinched. It looked as though he realized who's blood it was and who was no longer with us. That's how I thought of it, but I question if animals have such instincts. It choked me up. Mom looked at me as I came into the house and I know she could see the sadness in my face. I told her what I just witnessed in Mufasa. That's when Drew told us his theory. Our neighbors who live a couple houses down have a pitbull named Diva. She's actually a nice dog. She barks a lot, but is friendly. There are times where she breaks loose and roam the streets freely. I'm not gonna go so far as to say SHE'S the one who killed Scar, but it does kinda make sense. I saw 2 guys walking up the block on the other side of the sidewalk last night and they saw Diva and I guess they were making fun of her or something. I kicked an empty can and they looked like they wanted to run as if the dog were about to chase them. I smiled. It wasn't my intent on scaring them but I get a kick out of scaring people. I didn't think that Diva might be loose, and our cats roam freely, usually in front of the house going upstairs and downstairs as they please, sometimes across the street or in my neighbors yard next door. I suppose it's a possibility Diva killed Scar, but no real evidence, and it's not like I'm a CSI or will do an autopsy of the cat, but judging how he was laying I know he didn't get hit by a car, unless the car did it on purpose. Scar wasn't flat though. Has me thinking about Teresa calling cats speed bumps. Yeah, I know that some of you aren't cat people. I'm not a cat person either to be honest, but I can tell I've grown attached to these 2 for some reason, and Scar will be missed. Mufasa will be a constant reminder.

I'll admit it's crossed my mind. Putting pictures of parts of my body everyone wouldn't see on a daily basis. Thing is, I know I don't need to do it. It's not anything special. I suppose I like strokin as much as the average guy, but don't necessarily have to show what I'm working with. However, it is kinda fun. Would be interesting to see what reactions I'd get. I know there are a lot of women and men who show things in their NSFW folders in their pictures. I'm not gonna lie. I've put up pics before, but they're usually crappy because of the camera I'd have to use. Anyway, I'm just thinking about it. Probably wouldn't act on it. I don't have many friends here as it is. Don't know if you guys would be interested in seeing me, or would turn you completely off by seeing me and I'd end up losing probably a good friend or 2. I know you're not friends with me for that, but it's just something on my mind. Thanks for listening. Much love.

He flies on wings of all that he's lost. He sighs of things no matter the cost. His will should bend and be blown away. Instill the end, upon those astray. What have we done? Fate fails to see the cause of sorrow, and pales of me; fearing tomorrow. "A shame" He say, "We worry about, the games we play with fear of the stout". What have we done? Awake again there left with some hope to make a friend to help us both cope. I love your flaws Descendant replied Above the laws of remnants who lied. What have we done? Hello everyone. It's not easy to explain this poem, but it can be done. Overall, it's about love and friendship, and the fears that comes with them. It makes sense to me, in a weird way, but I don't expect my thoughts to transcend into anyone else. If you want insight, let me know, and I'll do my best to try to explain.

I hear this a lot. I'd like some input on it if possible. People say that people are in love with the idea of being in love, as opposed to really being in love. I just want to know what's the difference? For me, I'll admit, I do want to be loved. I want to give all of my love to the woman I love. Is that an idea? I don't know. If I say, how I feel about someone is more than just a physical attraction, that I love everything about them, from how they carry themselves on the outside, to being able to tolerate every little thing they are on the inside, and wanting to be with them and share your life with them no matter what, through thick and thin, how is that just an idea? If every fiber of my being tingles with excitement for one person, how is that an idea? If what I feel is an idea, why is that a bad thing? Does it mean I won't be the loving person I promise to be? I don't think I'd be the type of person, if I were in a relationship with someone I'd do it half-assed. I'd want to go all out. Do what I can. That is how I feel. Sure, I have my doubts. True, it can be said I don't know what I'm in for, but how am I supposed to know unless I try it? How will I ever know what's an idea, and what's reality? How do I know that my ideas AREN'T reality? These are some of the confusions that has been on my mind lately, and I'm still thinking. Thanks for listening. Much love.