Nitemusic3's blog: "my rants "

listening to a song called back to youby time cop 1983 a song that maes you relive the past and loves that carry a place in your heart.

the sting lessons over the yrs but not wondering what if  what can i do to learn. from mistakes 56 yrs old and those precious few relationships i truly beleived would succeed. but the hardest lesson is you can love some one with every fiber of your being. those few  will haunt you. that you begin  to become more closed off  sometimes even cold sad is that the only lesson that love teaches ...........pain

another set back i have had a knee injury on and offf since this summer it had been diagnosed ostearthritus i fell several times since summer further weaking the knee i went to ER and had an ultra sound done to check for blood clots thankfuly clear of that and said it was just a very bad sprain a few days later a loud and exruciating pain and loud pop couldnt bear weight on it for 4 days then i bought a knee brace seemed to help a bit ive taken so much ibuprofin  to kill the pain the dr today pulled me off it  2 months was to long she said. had an xray and no change in the osteoarthritus and was told its just very weak and need possiblie therapy and a consult with an othropedic dr. xrays came back later full report on my chart is now i have a small right knee effusion [ water on the knee] i wait now for the referals to call  me . the dr asked me of some back history of my younger yrs and i said i cared for my father lifted him sinnce i was 11 till 27 and during those times i used to ice skate in my teens and had a nasty fall doing an axle and over rotated and fell and slid into the barrier hard amazing i was only bruised so i thought  with the lifting of my dad ice skating   and standing long hours later in life dr said she was amazed i got this far so now looks like physical therapy and possible consult with an orth to get clearance for thereapy possibily other imaging and treatment . trying to lose weight again this really sets me back and im so frustrated and angry and confused as to hpw accident prone and prone to fractures in adulthood and not while i was iceskating i guess quitting skating saved my knee to a degree last jump i had learned was a double toe i miss those days . just another reminder that it did damage to ....

its your 81st birthday and yet im never really over your death the memories haunt me even today papa me by your side holding your hand at night and being your care giver during the day after mom passed away i never prepared myself that i would be the one to take the lead inplace of mom. being a care giver since i was 10 was neveer easy but i wouldnt change it for the world daddy we loved you so ,much your dignity and grace and honor . my heart is heavier this yr . for the first time papa im on my own in my own place making my own space. and the same kind of quiet when i sit here  in silence. that we had when i was by your side. ironic as that sounds. in june 11 and july 23 this year will mark 30 years since we lost you both 6 weeks apart its a huge weight knowing this yet it feels fresh this year maybe because i have a hard time comprending you both have been gone so long yet it feels like yesterday. but you and i had that bond that never broke not even in death .. the dream i had marking the 20th year after your death  maybe just maybe daddy we will  see each other again in a dream this yr but sleeping has been pretty bad i just miss you dad and tired of being without you and mom so tired.... i at times question will this void ever go away....

the past still haunts me to no end when you know deep down in your mind the one you loved can betray you in such a way

you slowly die of a  broken heart. you want to move on you want to heal.. but in  your mind you know he is gone. but your heart.

has a small ray of  hope still waiting its been 3 yrs I want to move on and  with all my slef strength i try to heal try to get back out there.

start talking to other people only to find. its all a facad a joke with all the health problems i feel i have nothing  to offer .

silently i sit and listen to music and  wish at times if  there is anyone out there then i catch myslef that wont ever happen.

yet I know its on me to heal its on me to move fwd yet so far i talk to people a bit more and think is this all there is left.

im trying to break the fear of being hurt. again talk to  a few guys to young or to far or just want to play games in your head.

but deep down i know  since he left ive been slowly dieing of a broken heart.... copd3 heart issues had a heart attack during the separation. yet he said he knew me welll  but he cant see it now maybe he does and cant face it none the less im left with a void.

i cant seem to fill at times  io catch myslef and say theres some one out there but reality hits me with  being on disabilty living with my

son and finace..  i continue to fight i continue for  my son but is it enough? seems like ill  never get over being haunted the pain always linger yet i know he betrayed me  and i was loyale till it almost killed me so why do i still care about him   im ready to move on yet the fear of another night mare  will happen one i wont be able to  survive... this is my haunting hes a shadow maybe its his way to say ill never forget you .... but its haunting me....

first day was as expected but also unexepeded I walked in on grocery side and saw Isabelita she has had many issues with her training and she was talking to amber in deli there seemed to be confusion amber telling Isa, that the oven is not working and that they NEED to turn in there orders for deli I walked up ambers eyes got bright TAMMM tammm you are back telll her what she needs to do i listened to amber and said she is correct amber tells Belita tam is the only one who gives us a heads up on orders for all of you IM like WOW ya miss me she said you have NO idea about 5 more associates walk up your back !!! hugs and where have i been questions this went on through the date even mgrs walking by hey shes BACK cheryel department mgr yelled thank god i m like wow guys miss me lol we are SO glad you are back now things will go right with your team i said politely I may not be there much longer a few pay checks and i begin to do appilcations have some good leads good pay ohhh but you just got back i said I would of been gone by now guys if i hadnt gotten injured with all the fractures but wow i was suprised how everyone greeted me back

"Writing's On The Wall"

finaly after 9 weeks of sustaining multiple fractures the casts are off there is still pain in the wrist.

but is so good to be free. A couple of more weeks and I go back to work it will be good get some cash

flow again. and then once im fully healed. the hunt for full time work will begin. again.  I am happy

that  I can begin to play my piano and violin again. been pretty busy cleaning trying to catch up on so much

here at the house . and much more to do I am sure. other things in my life has taken an odd turn how is it,

when you arent looking something or some one walks in your life. I am not sure what to make of it really.

I do know I really thought, that part of my life was over and really began to believe that I was not able,

to respond to affection. you become cynical and gaurded.  then one very brief moment time seems to stand

still. I dont know where or if this will go further Id like it to  eventualy . but that cynical part is always haunting me.

that to good to be true mode kicks in maybe it is maybe its not. I dont know. But for one moment.. it was nice.

and that one moment i cant get out of my head..

leaving 2016 with mixed emotions part of me relieved it will be over soon.

The other part comming to realise the new year enters as no longer being married.

and I do miss being his wife his life at one time in his life. I dont think I will ever

stop loving him. in time maybe it will get easier. to live life without him.

as I light a smoke and that old tuff new york exterior starts to come out more and more. 2016 was not kind battles with respitory infections endless rounds of antibiotics

and a huge battle with peaumonia. depression battles and last multiple fractures. and landing in the hospital not just beacause I was not steady to be home alone later upon being settled in my hospital room my vitals became jacked and was a concern through the night for the nursing staff eljohn my nurse was kind as i gave him the short version of 2016 after that he was even more atentive in tears fighting pain he was so nice as i requested morphine pain so unbearable I had kept the pain level to myslef b/c my BFF was very worried when everyone left i broke down in tears told eljohn i need the morphine now he ran to go get it after he checked my vitals again he said hunny  its jacked ill be back hepburn lock on my hand he injected it as he checked vitals again he noted it came down he said then the nigth nurse will be updated to watch my vitals the next day they were back down and eventualy dscharged .

2017 is at the door now and im afraid at times What will happen part of me wishes there was some one special comming to my life and yet i fear it at the same time trying to get the hold on my heart james has had for sometime.

Yet I do know the reality is im 51 i am far from being a barbie and im far from a raving beauty...  and health issues no one wants damaged goods.

I have become some what cynical about it all deep down I hope someday i  will be the choice and not an option but i know the odds for that are low.

so 2016 leave and 2017 I pray you are much kinder to me ...

Just about to the 3 week mark on the fractures 2 appointments with the orthopedic surgeon. and one apoinment with my pcp..

ok the ortho doc is more worried about the wrist more so then the foot

but yet thus far  all bones have not shifted wich is good no surgery yet

he told me the wrist hasnt fallen apart yet and he was more worried about then

the 4 fractures in the foot. if the wrist does not stay in place  surgery will be needed

a plate will be put in to stablise the wrist. far as the foor same thing if the bones shift at all they will have to put pins in.

right now down time max 8 weeks 4 weeks  minium I was lucky i did not have to,

wait 14 days like my left wrist before  they could cast it, my right wrist i was in a cast in 5 days as soon as its casted the healing begins.

heres the  tuff part even when im out of  the cast they told me i will have to use a wrist brace also reading i have done for treatment of the foot I may have to literlay

learn to walk on it again  via PT physical therapy. ever since i was injured I rememberd my sisters words any injury or trauma you must  continue to move

to keep range of motion as soon as i knew I had fractures i began my own physical therapy I began to  try and move my toes and  my fingers  at the hospital sis aka sandy was worried i was doing that as the nurse got me ready to be discharged

sis said sissy you cant do that the bones arent healed i said  sisssy its ok

she asked the nurse and she said oh yes she can but slowly and to stop if pain began i said to sissy I can devolope atrophy sis and slow down my movement when i get out of  the boot cast and wrist cast. and could slow down any physical therapy post casting.

again remembering what my sister dawn who is in occupational therapy keep moving she said i told her when she got to the hospital she said good good tam the pain wont be as bad when you get out of the boot cast and wrist cast.

so now we I wait 4 weeks before we know if all this worked. im hoping bye 4 weeks im out of the boot cast at least but sounds to me they may keep me in he wrist cast longer. time is of the essense i must get back to work as soon as im cleared.

the huge fear for me is the foot learning to walk again more or less. willl i need a cain ? and if so will it be the rest of my life or temporary.

i am still bruised badly on my left leg  the good one. and still bruised on my right side the injured side remember the fractures are on the same side the  right making any therapy longer b/c i cant counter balance.

ok on to my copd I have  been  diagnosed with stage 3 on the cusp of stage four end stage so i continue you trying to quit smoking and counsling. doc checked my lungs etc and he said through all  the injurys  hes surprised my breathing is stabel and oxygen sats are good for now he was pleased and the prozac seems to be working no increase needed. i did alert doctor G that they had me on morphine via hepburn lock he said mgs i said 2 he said good they didnt snow you increased you slowly ? i said yes he said good b/c of your breathing to much would put you in diress. i said I understood that and he said  why i said my mother was a nurse any class 4 depresses the heart beat  and or the breathing he nodded and said she taught you well. for now Iwait and pray the bones heal I play piano and violin the wrist is vital to heal right so i am worried about that for now I try and heal best i can

so as many know had a bad fall last week but I forgot to mention that when i fell i could not get up it was 27 degrees that day screen door also fell on me. and was barely able to get it off me i tried several times to get up somehow some way i got to my knees not knowing my foot and wrist were broken. it must of been at least 20 mins of getting at least to my knees i just could not put pressure on my foot i feard if i did id fall to the ground agian about 10 or so mins i realised i could get hyper thermia and was about to scream for help then out of no where a man walking down the street as he paased by he said are you alright i said no you need help 30 mins had passed maybe more i then say yes ineed help he ran up to me helped me to my feet got me up the steps he opened my door he said will you be alright miss i said yes thank you so much what is your name sir edward he saiid .i said thank you . edward merry christmas he seemed rather touched an said make sure you lock your door are you sure you dont need 911 ? i said no im calling some one to take me to er. a week later i have not seen him every morning i watch for him at the kitchen window. still hqvent seen him without being dramatic but in truith he saved my life it was so cold and not anyone heard me crying in pain then he appears. not sure about angels but who