vo0d0ogirl's blog: "The Vo0d0o That You Do"

No seriously though…I’m coming out of a REALLY ROUGHT relationship.  Like, four years long, half of it wonderful, the other half terrifying.  I met him here, ironically enough.  And after four years, an engagement, and all the rest it’s over.  I’m not sure how to feel about it.  Some days…some hours…some minutes I feel numb.  Or ok.  Or happy.  Or devastated.  Or angry.  Or all of it.  Sometimes I’m so thankful he’s gone I want to dance and sing and other times I’m so crushed I can hardly breathe.

I made the decision, over and over, that it was bad and needed to end.  I got dragged back over and over again.  

Now, after he took money, hurt me physically, scared my daughter, cheated, and got someone else pregnant I’m TRULY done.  I was done before, but now I’m beyond done, to that place of such deep hurt and betrayal that revenge (which I have a lot of ammunition and justification for) doesn’t even seem adequate.  I think that karma has that covered…having a child with someone he barely knows when I know he would so much rather be having one with me.  Having to face trying to make a family from nothing instead of staying where we already built one together.  Growing up all at once and all alone instead of with my unyielding, unending love and support.  I don’t think even the biggest ass kicking, most embarrassing or financially devastating revenge could compare to living such an empty life. 

Especially once you have been with me, and you know the difference.

I may not be much to look at, but I am pretty.  I’m smart.  I’m kind, giving, and loving to a fault.  I’m funny.  I’m amazing.  I know what he is missing…and really, so does he.

So the fun part is, I’ll be able to listen to the radio again in short order.  Those songs that sting now won’t hurt so bad in another week or two.  I’ve already got people loving me beyond measure, who want to be with me, and who are there for me. 

I know he can’t listen to the radio.  I know that won’t change.  I know I was the first taste of real love he ever had, and probably the last. 

I just don’t know if I can make it again…if I can saddle up for a third round of finding true love and happiness…to be that open and vulnerable and have it all fall apart.  I love with ALL of myself…give EVERYTHING…and I don’t know if I can pay the price again. 

Casual sex on the other hand…I think it’s about time I took advantage of as much of that as I can.  Fuck being the one who is ALWAYS faithful, ALWAYS honest, ALWAYS loving.  Maybe it’s my turn to turn people inside out…

hahahahaha like I even have it in me.  But at least I know I was true to myself, and I showed someone who had never known love exactly what it’s all about.