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Cowboy Cassanova's blog: "Matt's Blogz"

created on 05/01/2007  |  http://fubar.com/matt-s-blogz/b78660

Chances

Chances....Chances are a normal everyday part of life, we take chances in everything that we do.  Every day we walk out the door we take a chance that we may not make it back that day.  Some of us take more chances or others doing our job, or dealing with this or that but that's not what I want to talk about.

Chances with people are by far the most risky.  You never know what will happen if you take that chance or 'leap of faith' to be with someone.  There's a lot of factors that play into it, and sometimes people don't understand just how many play into a decision to like someone, or even begin to tell them that they like them.  I understand that we've all been hurt before, hell I have most since the year started then in past few years, but again, that's no one's fault but mine.  Because I'm a retarded dumbass.  I'm a shy person when it comes to relationships, because I've been rejected so many times, because no one will take a chance on me.  I'm not a bad guy, honestly I'm a caring guy, and just want to be loved, but no one again will take that chance.  Which is fine I'm ready to live my life alone with my son and dog, makes me no mind.  However when you are scared to take a chance on someone that isn't going to hurt you, and has expressed an interest in you, and yet you still don't seem to want anything to do with them, or the classic line, 'I want to take this slow'.  To me that's a way of telling me I don't want you, I don't want to take a chance with you, which fine, but don't expect me to be all happy.  My life moves very fast, I have sometimes seconds to make life and death calls.  I do this with my life, because it's what I know, it's all I know, it's how I survive.  Everyone survives differently, that's how I do it, that's all I know, I don't know how to take a relationship slow, the last few I did, I ended up getting cheated on, and it was a big mess.  I can understand if you need time, but obviously if someone is telling you that they want you, and want to be with you, perhaps you shouldn't keep pushing them away.  

The other thing that got to me, I was talking to someone that I would do anything for, she knows this, and again 'wants to take it slow'.  I said something about dating, her response was, 'how are we going to date if we're in two different states?'  Knowing that her last relationship was out of state and they were 'dating'.  To me that tells me that it's not worth my which is fine.  If people don't wanna take a chance on a decent guy, and allow him to show them he's not like the rest, then so be it.  But don't say there's no good guys out there, because the ones that would give you a chance, you pass by because of looks, or your own insecurities.  I have learned that most females are 1.) materialistic (ie what are you gonna get me, what are you gonna buy me), and 2.) always looking for the next best thing.  They can't be happy with what they have, then when they get what they think is the next be thing, and it turns out it wasn't, they want what they had.  Sorry ladies, it doesn't work like that.  You can't tell someone that you want the next be thing, and expect them to want to be friends or even care about you.  That's just wrong, not to mention self centered.  So no this isn't directed at anyone for anything, I'm using examples that have been used on me to make a point.  If that upsets you, then perhaps you should've thought about it before you said it.  3.) Ladies, guys don't want to feel like they are second best in your life.  A lot of work goes into a relationship, and if all you can do is whine and bitch about how perfect it's not, then perhaps it's not him, it YOU.  Personally I'm just about finished with the whole dating, love, relationship, marriage, bullshit.  I couldn't find a female that wanted me if I was the last guy on earth.  Get pissed and say that's not true, but when you have tried and tried, and tried, and done NOTHING wrong but took a female who was a friend out on a date, didn't put moves on her, didn't expect sex, nothing just two friends catching up, and at the end of the night she tells you she never wants to see you again, that's a little wrong, a lot cold hearted, and lot of a bitch, or you ask one of they'd like to talk, and they either A.) ignore you, B.) tell you to go fuck yourself, oe C.) that they don't like your kind.  And all you said was hello my name is Matt, would you be interested to talk sometime.  There is no inuendo of sex, or love, or anything else.  Why would you treat someone like that?  Then the same females whine, complain, bitch, moan, piss, and everything else because there isn't any good guys out there.  If they'd open up their fucking eyes, and quit worrying about what their friends will say perhaps they could find someone.  Yeah I'm not skinny, but I'm willing to be I"m smarter then 75% of the males on this site, and that's because I have 3 college degrees.  I guess being smart isn't a good thing, but being a jerk, an asshole, a cheater, a liar, a player, an abuser, and everything else is what women want.  If that's what you want, have it, but....don't bitch when you can't find a good guy because you're fucking standards are to the sky, and the only one's you'll date are models.  Guess some people will learn, others won't.  Either way I've said my peace, if it offends you, good, you probably deserved it, if you like it, then you know what it's like to be passed over because of some reason or another.  Deuces all!

Some things....

Ya know, sometimes I just wish I had all of the answers.  Seems here as of late, I can't seem to find a decent female that wants a dececent guy.  Most would say that I'm looking in the wrong places, while some of that might be true, I don't get why we still have to have the high school mentality.  By that I mean why does a female's friends, and everyone around her have to approve of how a guy looks before she will accept him?  I mean comeon, I thought we'd grown up, and gotten over the pitty high school bullshit.  Look I know I'm not a decent looking, or good looking guy, but I have a lot to offer a female.  I have tried and tried, and tired, and all I find is people slamming doors in my face.  I have a lot of redeeming qualities, and there are physical things that I am working on, but ya know it'd be nice to have someone want me for me, and want to keep me around, and want to go do things with me, but no, I can't even find that.  Hell all I seem to find are the females with 3+ kids, sorry, It's great that you have 3 kids, I hope they are all well, but that's just not what I'm looking for.  I want to have a family of my own one day, not have someone I'm married to, plus my son, and their children, and we have no child together.  That's kind of a bond, at least I think.  Yes I have a son, and no, you can't meet him.  If I'm going to date someone, she's going to have to prove she's not going to run out of my life first, before she ever gets close to my son.  Sorry, but I don't need my son seeing a different girl in my life everytime he's here.  I have been single for 2 years because of this fact, because I can't seem to find someone worth spending my time and effort on.  Because anymore it's all about looks.  Sorry I'm not putting my effort and everything into a superficial relationship only to be dumped when something better comes along.  Been there, done that, won't make the same mistake twice.  I guess it's just asking too much for someone to actually love someone for who they are, and not who they aren't.  I guess the fact that I have a college education, decent up bringing, I'm funny, I have a sense of humor, I am fun loving, I'm always having fun, and parents like me.  But I guess none of that makes a difference anymore.  I guess getting married, having children, and such are reserved for the Ken's and Barbie's out there, not for the decent, good guys like myself. I guess it's true, good guys always finish last.  Please don't say that they don't, because you wouldn't date me, or want me, so yeah they do finish last.  I had one female on here tell me that good guys finish first with her, and we got to talking and she said that she liked me, and that she thinks that we should be a couple, so I sent her a pic, and never heard from her again.  Yeah, nice guys finish last...until proven otherwise, that's what I'll think.  I don't think I've ever been in a relationship that I haven't been cheated on, or anything like that, so yeah, take it or leave it.  I guess my jaded out look is valid until someone can prove me wrong.

It's funny, people tell me to be optimistic that things will happen, that people will be nice to me.  BULLSHIT!  I met a girl last night, she said that she wanted to talk and get to know each other, not even 12 hours later, she wants nothing to do with me.  Funny, I'm smart and have a college education, she didn't, I don't have kids, she does.  It's amazing that someone can tell you that they want to get to know you, and expect you to accept them for who and what they are, and when you do, they tell you that they don't want to talk to you again.  I just don't fucking get it.  Why does everyone have to treat me like shit?  Why do people judge me on the outside, instead of the inside?  Why is it okay for someone to treat me like that, but if I don't answer, or something stupid, it's my fault for everything.  I think from this point on I'm just going to treat everyone like an ass, that way, I can't get hurt, and no one can say I was doing this, or wasn't doing that.  I"m better off single, and alone, it's the way most of my adult life has been, might as well keep it that way.  I honestly thought that not all females were the same, but I guess I was wrong, they are ALL THE SAME.  They don't know how to treat a decent guy, instead he's the one that has to pay for what the assholes have done to them, all you were trying to do is be a decent guy and shit, and they just treated you like you were nothing.  I hope one day they find someone that will treat them like shit, beat on them, and shit, and they will truely know what it's like, until then, I guess they will be losers and that fact will never change.  I never thought I'd be the one to give up on finding a relationship, but looks like I am, I guess I'm giving the world a big FUCK YOU, because I've been hurt for the last time, it's time for others to see the side of me I have kept away for so long, I"m not going to say I'm sorry, I'm not going to be sorry, I'm going to just say 'you'll live' because it seems like even though I'm nice, no one seems to care, no one wants someone who cares.  Tomorrow is my birthday, I wanted to have someone to celebrate it with, guess that won't happen now.  Oh well what's the big deal it's just me right?  No one cares about me, so why bother?  Thanks everyone, for showing me that no matter what noone cares, guess that's the way the fucking world and people work now days

He let himself go.........

As I sit here tonight, wondering, thinking, hoping, I wonder if things will change.  As it was once told to me, in order to be happy sometimes, you have to let things go.  I've let go of just about everything, well almost everything.  There's times when I still feel like holding onto a thought that crosses my mind, or a feeling that you get, like the butterflies when you talk to that special someone, or that chill that you feel in the midnight air on an early fall evening.  Perhaps it's that feeling of a crush, someone that you would love to have, but convencing them of that is harder then anything else.  I have been here for years, since lost cherry, I have seen 100's of females, all of them beautiful in some way or another......Well I think I've found one that's beautiful all the way around.  I've known her for a while, but everytime I talk to her she's got someone, well I want to be that someone that she has.  She's awesome from what I've gathered just by talking to her, she seems a lot like me, and the values, and morals I have, this day and age, that's getting harder and harder to find.  Now I'm not a good looking guy, or even a decent looking guy, I'm just a big guy, much like a bear.  I don't know if she'd like that or not, but I would like for her to.  This girl......she could mean the world to me, she'd be way too good for me, but I'd do my very best to treat her like a princess, because she deserves that.  I don't know if I can, but I'm willing to try.

With her, I'd give anything to kiss her soft sweet lips, to play in her blonde hair, to look deeply into her beautiful blue eyes and tell her how I feel.  She'd be my pride and joy, she'd be everything I've wanted, and looked for, she'd be all that I could ask for.  I know women can be hard to handle, but with her....I feel it'd be different.  Ya know, you just have these feelings at times, sometimes they are right, others they are wrong, but you have to try it to make it work.  With her, I don't see much trying on either parts, because we'd both be trying, and not having to do that much.  If things with her got serious enough, then yes I'd move to be with her, I think she'd be able to handle my life and job fairly well.  I think she'd be a great person to have in my son's life.  Ya know when picking a mate, ot anyone else to date for that matter, you always have to put your kid's needs first, and make sure this person would be a good fit for him, and not only you.  I believe that it'd work both ways in this situation.  I feel we could take on life together, and could be really happy with each other.  I believe I could see myself marrying her, and staying with her, which is also hard in this day and age.  But again, I'd risk the feeling of a broken heart for her, just to see if it worked.  Yeah she's pretty special if you couldn't tell.  I believe our relationship would be Jason Aldean's song 'Big Green Tractor'.  That's perfect, at least it'd be for me....Perhaps if she reads this, she'll know who she is, maybe not, but what I say is true, and I'd give her everything I could.  I just hope she'd realize that there's a guy out here that's willing to do whatever it'd take to be hers, and would treat her well.  I would love nothing more then to be able to call her mine, perhaps it will happen one day....,,

Hummm

Well as you all can see, I have decided to drink and pop painkillerz...yeah not a wise idea is it? Oh well, what's the worst that could happen? Anyhow, Glad some of you made it back to read this, sorry some 2000 of you got axed off my list...They wanted help but didn't return the favor, so fuck'em! I'm tired of sitting here bombing contests and shit, and when I ask for help, no one can seem to spare a few seconds, so again fuck ya! Don't ask me for a damn thing, if you can't help me in return. I think that's only fair ya know. And a few other things, If you don't wanna talk to me, tell me, I'll axe your ass off my list, and again, fuck ya! If you want to post 70 bulletins, hey that's fine, but don't shoutbox me, or send me a fucking message asking me for help, because chances are....I'll axe ya then too...and again, fuck ya! See the pattern forming here? I mean seriously I am pissed because everyone wants something, and yet refuses to give back. That pisses me off, Don't bug me for a VIP, or bling, or stupid shit like that, if I have it, and I want you to have it, I will give it to you, so don't fucking ask! When I started out on here, people were actually nice, points didn't matter, we didn't have bling, or auto 11'z, or cherry bombs, or any of that bullshit, you wanted points, you had to earn them, I earned almost every point I got on my own. I didn't beg and plead for help, I didn't buy bullshit for rates, I didn't do contests, I didn't do any of it. Because I learned that when things changed, the people changed, no one wanted to help you out anymore, it wasn't about love, it was then about points, and who had the most, and blah blah blah. I made Godfather on my own, sucked but hey what can I say when your so called 'friends' pretty much forget about you, then if you want it get it yourself. Guess that's why I got it. Must be nice to have it made, must be nice to have all the crap, oh well I don't don't give a fuck, if you've been axed off my list chances are, you either done one of the following: 1.) Pissed me the fuck off 2.) Pissed me off enough to axe you 3.) Didn't help when asked 4.) Didn't bother to speak with me when I spoke to you 5.) Begged, pleaded, or try to deal for points with me 6.) Was just someone I no longer wanted to be on my friend's list 7.) Someone who didn't return love in timely manner 8.)Was on your list to just 'be there' 9.) Was in general on my nerves 10.) didn't think highly enough of yourself to do any differently. Those are the damn reason, so don't ask which one you fit into, because all 10 could apply to you, or could just be one. I don't give a fuck what you think of me now, or anything else about me. Again, please refer to reason number 1. I came here to meet like minded people, hey I'm cool if you wanna talk about problems, hey I'm fine, and if you wanna be my friend, and talk to me, I'm fine too, but DO NOT mistake my niceness for me actually giving a fuck. If you are a person who really does care, then yes, I will show the same in return, but if you wanna just bitch and then leave e hanging, naaaa doesn't work like that. I will listen to you, and give you my take, how I see things, and possible solutions, but if you don't want them, then don't come to me and whine and cry. DO NOT put something in your status message that says that you aren't feeling well, or your dog died, or blah blah blah, and then when I ask you if you wanna talk about it, then fire back at me that "I should come rate your pics, or something on your page to make you feel better." FUCK YOU, I do not play the sympathy card, if you wanna talk I'm all ears, if not, then don't bother me with asking me to rate your page and pics to make you feel better. For those of you that have no clue I am always in pain, at times it's worse then others, but I have NEVER asked a single person to come rate my shit to make me feel better. There's just no sense in that. I have a blown knee from years in the service, it is still giving me problems, I also have back problems from jumping into places you'd never wanna go, I fell and broke my foot in December , I broke all 5 toes, and my big toe twice. I have 6 screws and two plates in, which all of that will be coming out shortly. I will still have issues with my foot, but anyhow. I put what I am feeling out here to all my friends, so they know the mood and condition I am in. I don't whine about it, I might bitch about it, but that's me, deal with it. No I don't write this to piss you off, I don't write this to oh nevermind. I just want to get things straight with all of you all, so you know ahead of time so we can make this a better place for all of us. If you have read this, and are pissed, hurt, upset, or anything else, sorry for ya, send me a shoutbox ,tell me you want to be removed from my list, and once again, fuck ya! However if you think it's funny, then have a great laugh with me! if not....yeah you guessed it, FUCK YA~!
By JoNel Aleccia Health writer msnbc.com updated 7:30 a.m. CT, Thurs., Feb. 26, 2009 The fish was delicious, no doubt about it. Perfectly seasoned and cooked just right, the broiled grouper on the Texas menu last summer tempted Donna Schroeder to eat every bite. The only problem? It was poisoned, tainted with a hard-to-detect toxin that produces symptoms so bizarre, they put peanut-linked salmonella infections to shame. Story continues below ↓advertisement | your ad here “It’s horrible, I’m telling you,” said Schroeder, 65, a retired Beaumont, Texas, realtor, who is only now recovering from the worst symptoms of ciguatera fish poisoning, an exotic foodborne illness that health officials say may be dramatically under-recognized in the United States. The malady afflicts at least 50,000 people a year worldwide — and the real number may be 100 times that many. While ciguatera fish poisoning is largely unknown in most of the U.S., several recent cases have attracted growing concern, officials say. They hope a greater awareness will help alert consumers and doctors and improve treatment of the incurable illness caused by coral algae toxins that accumulate in large tropical reef fish. Within hours of the July dinner, Schroeder was stricken not only with typical nasty food poisoning symptoms — diarrhea, vomiting and fatigue — but also with a dangerously slow heart rate and neurological problems that caused her hands and feet to tingle painfully and, oddest of all, reversed her sense of hot and cold. Some patients also say they feel like their teeth are falling out — and the symptoms can linger for years. “Whatever I touched, if it was hot, it would feel cold. If it was cold, it felt hot,” Schroeder recalled. “I couldn’t walk on the tile floor. It felt like it was burning me.” Donna Schroeder, 65, of Beaumont, Texas, had to diagnose ciguatera fish poisoning herself after doctors failed to recognize the illness. That should have been a clue to emergency room crews and doctors, but it wasn’t, said Schroeder, who was sent home with a general diagnosis of food poisoning, but nothing to explain the odd reactions or why they lingered so long. ”Doctors don’t even know what it is,” she said. “How sad is that?” Ciguatera fish poisoning often is missed, even though it is the most common seafood-toxin illness reported in the world, said Richard Weisman, a toxicologist and director of the Florida Poison Information Center. “If you go to the Caribbean Islands, you can’t find anybody who hasn’t had it,” he said. Residents there and in other tropical places — Hawaii, Guam, the Virgin Islands, Puerto Rico — know that large, predatory fish caught by sport fishermen on coral reefs are common sources of ciguatera fish poisoning. The actual toxin is produced by microscopic sea plants, which are eaten by smaller fish that are, in turn, eaten by larger fish such as barracuda, grouper, sea bass and snapper. The toxins become increasingly concentrated as they move up the food chain. Ciguatera risk? The following species may pose a danger of ciguatera fish poisoning: — Moray eel — Barracuda — Grouper — Kingfish — Jacks — Snapper — Surgeonfish — Parrot fish — Wrasses — Hogfish — Narrow barred Spanish mackerel — Coral trout — Flowery cod — Red emperor Recent outbreaks In the continental U.S., reported cases have been rare, typically confined to tourists who become ill after returning home from tropical vacations or to fishermen sickened by their own deep-sea catches. Recently, however, worries about the illness increased after it cropped up in unexpected places. In 2007, 10 people in St. Louis who ate imported fish at two restaurants were sickened with ciguatera. Last year, several unspecified outbreaks of ciguatera linked to grouper and amberjack compelled the federal Food and Drug Administration to expand guidelines warning about the risk of ciguatera in fish caught in the northern Gulf of Mexico. And just last month, food safety inspectors in Canada issued a health hazard alert for ciguatera-tainted frozen Leatherjacket fish after two people became ill in that country. Symptoms mistaken for multiple sclerosis Part of the problem is that ciguatera fish poisoning is hard to detect for seafood suppliers and consumers alike, said Melissa Friedman, a neuropsychologist at Mount Sinai Medical Center in Miami who studied victims of the illness. “You can’t tell from the way it looks. You can’t tell from the way it tastes. There’s nothing you can do in terms of storage. There’s nothing you can do in terms of cooking,” she said. Instead, people simply eat the toxic fish and become ill. Baffled doctors often confuse ciguatera symptoms with those of multiple sclerosis, or else they come away empty-handed, Weisman said. “There are people having CT scans, MRIs, all these tests.” he said. “They do million-dollar workups, but no test will ever come back positive.” Three-day window for best treatment That can delay one of the only treatments for the illness: an intravenous dose of a drug called mannitol, which can reduce or prevent the neurological symptoms. The drug is most effective, however, within the first 72 hours of illness, Weisman said. The worst of the illness usually lasts for a week or two, and it's rarely fatal. But in some victims, the effects linger much longer, or never really go away. Many patients find that certain foods such as other fish, nuts or alcohol trigger relapses, and that overexertion can send the symptoms flooding back. One of the most pressing problems with ciguatera is that, although the illness has been chronicled since Christopher Columbus' crew ventured to the New World, there is no baseline data about incidence — or prevalence. Between 1998 and 2002, the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention logged only 16 foodborne outbreaks of ciguatera affecting 73 people in the U.S., a 2006 summary showed. But only 2 percent to 10 percent of ciguatera fish poisoning cases are reported to authorities and many health officials don’t realize it’s a reportable condition, said Dr. Lora Fleming, a ciguatera expert from the University of Miami. Using data from Dade County, Fla., where about 50 to 60 cases are reported a year, experts estimate that for every single case of ciguatera detected, between 10 and 100 cases go unreported. Just last month, the CDC launched the Harmful Algal Bloom-related Illness Surveillance System, a monitoring system that will track ciguatera in people and animals, among other things. First results aren’t expected for a year, however, said Lorraine Backer, a scientist with the National Center for Environmental Health. One outcome of the project may be to further discussions of whether global climate change is influencing ciguatera outbreaks, Backer said. Some scientists believe that ciguatera is moving north as ocean waters warm, and that increased numbers of hurricanes and tropical storms may cause disturbances in coral reefs that make them more hospitable to the toxic algae. 'More prevalent than we think' In the meantime, it’s hard to convince victims like Donna Schroeder that ciguatera is not a serious, growing and misunderstood problem. She only discovered she had ciguatera poisoning by asking her daughter to research fish-borne food illnesses on the Internet and then matching her bizarre symptoms to those listed online. “I feel it’s more prevalent than we think,” Schroeder said. “There’s a lot more of it and people are getting sicker.” Schroeder has filed a lawsuit against the place where she ate the meal, the Stingaree Restaurant in Crystal Beach, Texas, and against Katie’s Seafood Market of Galveston, Texas, which supplied the seafood. The legal action was inspired mostly by a desire to raise awareness about the illness, Schroeder said. “I really wanted to get the word out about this fish,” she said. But other victims have been less altruistic. Todd Stewart, a lawyer in Jupiter, Fla., has handled a dozen ciguatera cases in the decade, including the largest-ever settlement for the illness in the state’s history. It was in the six figures, he said, declining to be more specific. Stewart argues that seafood suppliers and restaurants have an obligation to research so-called “ciguatera hot spots,” places in the world where the ciguatoxin is common, and to avoid buying fish from there. “They ought to be asking: Did you take this from a ciguatera area?” he said. “You could potentially be exposing customers to a poisonous fish.” Brad Vratis, general manager of the Stingaree Restaurant, said he couldn’t even pronounce “ciguatera” before he learned of Schroeder’s illness. “We haven’t served a piece of grouper in this restaurant since then,” Vratis said. It can be tough for consumers to protect themselves against a poison that can’t be detected and can’t be killed by freezing or cooking. At least one Hawaiian company, Oceanit Laboratories Inc., markets a $30 ciguatera fish test kit that claims to successfully identify the toxin within an hour, said Dr. Joanne Ebesu, a senior scientist with the company. But the paper co-authored by Friedman and Fleming concludes that no commercially-available fish testing product has been proven to be accurate by independent tests. Click for related content 17 Okla. water wells test positive for E. coli Deadly lag: Why tracking outbreak took months Salmonella scare highlights inspector shortage Who's minding your food? Surprise! It depends Mostly, Fleming said, consumers are on their own. Fish-lovers hoping to avoid ciguatera poisoning can take a couple of steps. First, ask where the fish is from. If a restaurant or supplier can’t say, be wary. Second, eat small portions of different fish instead of larger servings of a single fish. That will perhaps lessen the dose of any toxin present. Finally, consider avoiding certain fish altogether. “Personally, I don’t eat large reef fish,” said Fleming. “And I don

A Number

For some of you, you will never be faced with the decisions i have been faced with, and I would not wish that on anyone, not even my worst enemy. But as of late, a lot of you have noticed that I'm not me...eluded to the fact that I am human, and I tend to show emotions when something bothers me. This is something that will haunt me for the rest of my life....not anything bad, but to me..it is a part of my life that I cannot change, I just have to deal with it, and move on. I jst hope you are never placed in the situation or anything similar like I have been placed. If you have, you will understand me on a much deeper level then what these words will tell you. I will begin by saying this... I am not perfect, I never have been, and never will be. I have made mistakes in my life, some of which I regret on a daily basis, and some that will haunt me for the rest of this life, and the one after I'm sure. I have been faced with many decisions as a medic/rescuer/savior. I have been faced with being the only thing, and only reason some people are alive today. But my count on number of lives saved doesn't mean shit to me, it's the number 26.... 26, the number of people I wasn't able to save for one reason or another. I had to make that call, when you go to places where tragedy has struck, these people are looking for a savior, they look to you to be that person. But all too often, you have to choose what can and can't be done. You have to make that call if they will make it or not, you have to basically assess the situation, and say, 'are you worthy of me saving you over someone else?' Yeah it's a shitty way to look at it, but it's the truth. As I go on through my life, I see this being something I will always struggle with. as i assess everything, and look for ways out, I have to realize that I don't have much time, my decision has to be made, and it has to be final. There is no debating it, there is no can i do it or not, you HAVE to do it, you committed yourself to it, now you must do it. As you run through the checklist in your head, you realize that somethings are wrong, that something has went awry, what now? You have to make that call, is this person worthy of being saved, or it is a lost cause? You have to live with whatever you decide, no one else can, only you. You are there, you know what you are able to do, sure of your abilities, you tell them you will return, one by one you take and save the ones that you can. Knowing that in the end, no matter how you look at it, you have failed. You didn't save them all, somewhere someone has lost a loved one because you weren't able, could not, or would not save them. Your peers tell you it's okay, that you can't save them all, another one adds to the number of souls that you were not able to save, and for that your number goes up....26 is mine, i can recount all of them, like I'm still there. I see their faces in the ones that I do save, but over time, those fade away into a crowd, until they all become faceless people that you saved. Your save number doesn't mean shit if you have people that you have lost. Knowing yourself that you lost a person, another human life, wasn't saved because you had to make the decision if the person was 'worthy' or not. You realize that when I say worthy, i don't mean it in the truest sense I hope, but it's meant to give you a point, a point to where you have to decide what is and isn't acceptable, and where your abilities lay, not only that, but what you can do. You realize that some injuries were too great to be saved from, others were dead before you got there, then still even with your best efforts, you still lost them. it's a hard game to play, you are drained after fighting with death for these people, you fight him on a daily basis, and sometimes he wins, and most of the time he doesn't. However, the 26 times he has won, still gets to me. It still hurts and burns, deep inside me like the inferno of hell. I think about these people often, I see them in dreams, as I am reliving the day they died, how the died, and where I failed to be their savior. I am disappointed with myself, more so then anyone else. I know that there is a time when your time is up, but I was sent here to save people, to give them a fighting chance, to do battle with death himself, protect them, and allow them the time needed to heal. But for those 26, I failed them. I guess in the end, we are human, we are no savior, but I often have to think that somehow, somewhere, their trust was betrayed by my not being able to saving them. I guess this is just something I will have to live with, and figure out how not to blame myself for their demise. Guess in the end we are all human, and no one is able to save everyone, only those that can be saved will be saved, and those that you have to 'leave behind' will somehow find comfort in the thought that you done your job, and done it well, but sometimes there's more going on then you're able to handle. With that I find comfort, knowing that they know I didn't abandon them, or left them to die, rather allowed them the right to fight on their own, and even though they lost, that, that's the way it was suppose to be. As I come to grips with my failures, and inabilities to have complete control over the situation, I take away with it a new sense of closure. Knowing that I did my best, no matter what, and that I always followed the motto...'I shall never fail my comrades, or leave a man behind, everyone comes home.' With that, I know I done my job, I know I done my best, that in it's self is not failure, but knowing your own limitations. Doc
For those of you close to Il, Ky, and In. This morning you felt an earthquake about 4:36am according to the USGS. This Earthquake's epicenter was centered 5 miles ENE of Bellmont Il it was a 5.4 magnatude.. This one was felt as reports come in, 15 states away, as far north as Canada!! The second one came about 10:14am 6 miles ENE of Bone Gap Il. This one was a 4.6 magnatude. I was sitting in class and felt this one too. I have felt both of them thus far. If you felt them, please comment on this blog, and tell me where you're at. The USGS is on scene and is saying that this could be the beginning of something bigger. As most of you know that live in the Walbash and Mississippi valleys that we were due an earthquake 16 years ago in 1992. However that never happened. From what I have gathered here recently, there has been a few there was one in 2002 that was a 5.0 located near darmbstat In. just north of Evansville In. I haven't lived here all my life, so I don't know. However, if you have felt it or have information, please leave a comment. Thank you so much!! Doc

going at work

HOW TO POO AT WORK: We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK: When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom. THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace. WATERMELON: A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELETTE: A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire. UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty.

the poopie name list

The Poop Name List The Perfect Dump - Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it. The Beer Dump - Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days. The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield. The Cable Dump - Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?" you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself. The Latrine Dump - In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole. The Mona Lisa Dump - This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far. The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll. The Splash Back Dump - You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead of wiping. The Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do The Caesarian Dump - Pain, that's what this dump and childbirth have in common. Its simply a case of too much dump trying to go through too small a hole, and there's no obstetrician to help. The Alfresco Dump - Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of brownies or a patch of poison ivy. The Childbirth Dump - This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf". You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it. The Tijuana Trot Dump - The phrase "Sh*t Happens" really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy. The Machine Gun Dump - You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16...damn commies. The Sound Effect Dump - You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem 3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor The Security Dump - You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this...hum loudly The Cling-On Dump - For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors The Houdini Dump - You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? you'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in The Flu Dump - You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Don't you wish Mom were close by? The Porta-Pottie Dump - Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, "Its like taking a shit in an upright coffin". Its claustrophobic and it smells bad...best advice...go in a paper cup. The Proctologist Dump - In the beginning, the lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it, you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it?? The Whole Roll Dump - No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste. The Graffiti Dump - You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there...love it or leave it. Its your choice. The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores. The Born Again Dump - This is a dump that's going so badly, you say "Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion" you always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth...you forget the pain quickly. Ghost Poopie The kind where you feel the Poopie come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet. Clean Poopie The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper. Wet Poopie The kind where you wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't runie them with a stain. Second Wave Poopie The kind that happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize you have to poopie some more. Turtle Poopie The kind of poopie that pops out a little and goes back in a few times before it finallly comes out Pop-a-Vein-in-your-Forehead-Poopie The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke. Lincoln Log Poopie The kind of Poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the plunger. Gas-sy Poopie The kind where it's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling! Drinker Poopie The kind of Poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet. Corn Poopie (Self explanatory) Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poop Poopie The kind where you want to Poopie, but all you do is it on the toilet and fart a few times. Spinal Tap Poopie That's the kind when it hurts so badly coming out, you swear it was leaving you sideways. Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get spashed with water. Liquid Poopie The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots you of your butt and spashes all over the toilet bowl. Mexican Poopie The kind that smells so bad your nose burns. Upper Class Poopie The kind of Poopie that doesn't smell. The Suprise Poopie You are not even at the toilet, because you are sure you are about to fart, but, OOPS---a Poopie! The Dangling Poopie This Poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopie-ing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose. Fisherman's Bobber Poopie You are in a public restroom with two people waiting on your stall, you poopie and flush two times, but several golfball pieces are still floating above the water line.
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