For some of you, you will never be faced with the decisions i have been faced with, and I would not wish that on anyone, not even my worst enemy. But as of late, a lot of you have noticed that I'm not me...eluded to the fact that I am human, and I tend to show emotions when something bothers me. This is something that will haunt me for the rest of my life....not anything bad, but to me..it is a part of my life that I cannot change, I just have to deal with it, and move on. I jst hope you are never placed in the situation or anything similar like I have been placed. If you have, you will understand me on a much deeper level then what these words will tell you. I will begin by saying this...
I am not perfect, I never have been, and never will be. I have made mistakes in my life, some of which I regret on a daily basis, and some that will haunt me for the rest of this life, and the one after I'm sure. I have been faced with many decisions as a medic/rescuer/savior. I have been faced with being the only thing, and only reason some people are alive today. But my count on number of lives saved doesn't mean shit to me, it's the number 26....
26, the number of people I wasn't able to save for one reason or another. I had to make that call, when you go to places where tragedy has struck, these people are looking for a savior, they look to you to be that person. But all too often, you have to choose what can and can't be done. You have to make that call if they will make it or not, you have to basically assess the situation, and say, 'are you worthy of me saving you over someone else?' Yeah it's a shitty way to look at it, but it's the truth. As I go on through my life, I see this being something I will always struggle with. as i assess everything, and look for ways out, I have to realize that I don't have much time, my decision has to be made, and it has to be final. There is no debating it, there is no can i do it or not, you HAVE to do it, you committed yourself to it, now you must do it. As you run through the checklist in your head, you realize that somethings are wrong, that something has went awry, what now? You have to make that call, is this person worthy of being saved, or it is a lost cause? You have to live with whatever you decide, no one else can, only you.
You are there, you know what you are able to do, sure of your abilities, you tell them you will return, one by one you take and save the ones that you can. Knowing that in the end, no matter how you look at it, you have failed. You didn't save them all, somewhere someone has lost a loved one because you weren't able, could not, or would not save them. Your peers tell you it's okay, that you can't save them all, another one adds to the number of souls that you were not able to save, and for that your number goes up....26 is mine, i can recount all of them, like I'm still there. I see their faces in the ones that I do save, but over time, those fade away into a crowd, until they all become faceless people that you saved. Your save number doesn't mean shit if you have people that you have lost. Knowing yourself that you lost a person, another human life, wasn't saved because you had to make the decision if the person was 'worthy' or not. You realize that when I say worthy, i don't mean it in the truest sense I hope, but it's meant to give you a point, a point to where you have to decide what is and isn't acceptable, and where your abilities lay, not only that, but what you can do.
You realize that some injuries were too great to be saved from, others were dead before you got there, then still even with your best efforts, you still lost them. it's a hard game to play, you are drained after fighting with death for these people, you fight him on a daily basis, and sometimes he wins, and most of the time he doesn't. However, the 26 times he has won, still gets to me. It still hurts and burns, deep inside me like the inferno of hell. I think about these people often, I see them in dreams, as I am reliving the day they died, how the died, and where I failed to be their savior. I am disappointed with myself, more so then anyone else. I know that there is a time when your time is up, but I was sent here to save people, to give them a fighting chance, to do battle with death himself, protect them, and allow them the time needed to heal. But for those 26, I failed them. I guess in the end, we are human, we are no savior, but I often have to think that somehow, somewhere, their trust was betrayed by my not being able to saving them. I guess this is just something I will have to live with, and figure out how not to blame myself for their demise. Guess in the end we are all human, and no one is able to save everyone, only those that can be saved will be saved, and those that you have to 'leave behind' will somehow find comfort in the thought that you done your job, and done it well, but sometimes there's more going on then you're able to handle. With that I find comfort, knowing that they know I didn't abandon them, or left them to die, rather allowed them the right to fight on their own, and even though they lost, that, that's the way it was suppose to be.
As I come to grips with my failures, and inabilities to have complete control over the situation, I take away with it a new sense of closure. Knowing that I did my best, no matter what, and that I always followed the motto...'I shall never fail my comrades, or leave a man behind, everyone comes home.' With that, I know I done my job, I know I done my best, that in it's self is not failure, but knowing your own limitations. Doc
