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TO SHED THAT FIRST TEAR

MY HEART IS HEAVY TODAY AS I LEARN OF THE DEATH OD YET ANOTHER BABY.ONE DUE TO LUKIMIA AND YET TWO OTHERS DUE TO NEGLECT AND VIOLANCE.LUKEMIA IS TRAGIC ENOUGH AND THE BRAVE YOUNG CHILD TOOK IT IN STRIDE,A TROOPER ALL THE WAY.I SALUTE THAT YOUNG BABIES BRAVERY,FOR EVEN AN ADULT WOULD FALTER IN THAT FEAR. ANOTHER ONE,A 5 YEAR OLD GIRL,WAS BEATEN AND RAPED BY HER RETARDED 15 YEAR OLD UNCLE WHO THEN HID THE GIRL IN A DEEP FREEZE SO NO ONE WOULD HEAR HER CRY.WHEN HE WNT BACK HOURS LATER,THE LITTLE GIRL WAS DEAD.HER PARENTS WERE NOT CHARGED FOR LEAVING HER WITH INADICUT SUPERVISSION EVEN THOUGH HE HAD A RECORD AS A JUVENILE SEX OFFENDER.THE BOY WAS CHARGED WITH ACCIDENTAL SUFFOCATION RESULTING IN DEATH.HE WAS FINED 250 DOLLARS AND 30 DAYS IN A MENTAL WARD.THE LAST REALLY HIT HOME BECOUSE IT HAPPENED TO AN 18 MONTH OLD CHILD BY HIS OWN FATHER.THE CHILD WAS THE GRANDBABY OF SOMEONE ID KNOWN FOR 25 YEARS.THE FATHER,23 WAS WATCHING THE BOY WHILE THE MOTHER WAS WORKING THE STREETS.HE BECAME HIGH AND DRUNK.THE BABY WOULD NOT STOP CYRING SO HE SHOOK THE BABY SO HARD,HE LITTERALY ALMOST RIPPED ITS HEAD FROM THE BODY.IN A PANIC THE FATHER PUT THE BOY IN A CAR AND SPED AROUND SEVERAL CORNERS WITH THE DOOR OPEN,FINALLY THE BODY FELL OUT AND HE THEN CALLED FOR THE POLICE SAYING THE CHILD HAD OPENED THE DOOR AND FELL OUT.THE FATHER WAS NOT CHARGED AS LONG AS HE ATTENDS REHAB FOR 6 MONTHS.THE MOTHER ,KNOWING THE WAY THE BABY WAS TREATED YET LEFT HIM WITH THE FATHER WAS CHARGED WITH CHILD ENDANGERMENT AND PROSTITUTION.SHE WAS RELEASED ON 5000 BAIL AND ORDERED 200 HOURS COMMUNITY SERVICE,NO FURTHER CHARGES FILED.THE GRANDMA,DIED THAT NITE FROM A HEART ATTACK AND THE GRANDFATHER IS IN ICU FOR A MASSIVE STROKE,BOTH BROUGHT ON BY THIS INCIDENT. HOW WERE THEY CAUGHT?A NEIBORHOOD PEEPING TOM WITNESSED THE ACT AND THEN FOLLOWED IN HIS CAR WHILE ON THE PHONE TO PD THE WHOLE TIME.HE WAS GRANTED IMMUNITY FROM PREVIOUSE CHARGES FOR HIS TESTAMONY. WHAT IS THE WORLD COMMING TO?AND WHAT KIND OF JUSTICE SYSTEM DO WE HAVE ?WHY DONT JOHN Q PUBLIC STAND UP AND SAY ENOUGH!!I SHED THE FIRST TEAR YEARS AGO,THOSE TEARS HAVE BECOME OCEANS.LOOK INTO YOUR HEART,LOOK INTO YOUR KIDS BABY BED,ARE YOU GOIN TO STAND THERE ? LOOSING BRAVE KIDS THAT FIGHT FOR THEIR LIVES AGAINST DESEASE AND TAKE ON INCREDABLE ODDS,THEY SPEAK OUT FOR A RIGHT TO LIVE.THE KIDS WE STAND BY AND LET DIE HAVE NO STAND TO TAKE,THEY JUST HIDE AND ASK MOMMY AND DADDY,WHY.

the 5 arrowheads

sitting by the mouth of the cave nestled into the canyon river bank i perched myself upon a fallen boulder and looked across the large spance of space to the shores across the river.large pottions of ice slowly made their way down the half frozen arkansas river while the winds whipped in whirl pools though the canyon.a lone bald eagle sat perched on one of the single burges ,he seemingly was announcing his freedom with a high pitched squal. snow began to filtr down the canyon walls as i stoked more wood upon my fire and watched the eagle in all its majesty.pulling my jacket around my neck my thoughts began to drift,this area hadnt changed in thousands of years,and the only thing out of place was a lone human,me.i went back in time to when my forfathers occopied this are and when my tribal heritage was at its strongest.i envisioned canoes as my ansisters fished for food and enjoyed the unspoiled beauty of this canyon.i got up and sought shelter further inside the cave as the winds began to howl and the snow began to form in swirls across the barren rocks.inside the cane i shed my winter clothing and built a second fire.i must of drifted off with the warm glow of the fire carressing my face becouse i was suddenly woke by laughter and singing and as i looked about i saw warriors,braves,chiefs and sqaws all around the huge smokeless fire.itwas a happy time,women folk were feeding their men huge hunks of meet while the elders sat smoking from pipes made of willow.the little children were playing with a puppy and laughing. i watched for a while and i guess i again drifted to sleep.two days later i was telling my experiance to some fiends,getting the usual comments,what was i smoking,give them what ever i was drinking ect.well i thought i sounded sorta stupid to and i laughed and joked right with them. well a beautiful gal with long full black hair and ice blue eyes came up to me and asked to pick a few songs and dance.well im no fool so i took her to the juke box and we went through the lists,she never looked at the list,only in my eyesand smiled,well i reached in my pocket to get some quarters,when i opened my hand their were 5 arrowheads,sharp and glossy.suprised and embarrsed i looked up to appologize to the beautiful lady but she was gone.when i looked around everyone was talking and drinking so i slithered out and went back to that cave.i placed those 5 arrowheads at the base of the cave,and respectfully i left.now i go there when i need to get away,and get away i do,hundreds of years away.

the 5 arrowheads

sitting by the mouth of the cave nestled into the canyon river bank i perched myself upon a fallen boulder and looked across the large spance of space to the shores across the river.large pottions of ice slowly made their way down the half frozen arkansas river while the winds whipped in whirl pools though the canyon.a lone bald eagle sat perched on one of the single burges ,he seemingly was announcing his freedom with a high pitched squal. snow began to filtr down the canyon walls as i stoked more wood upon my fire and watched the eagle in all its majesty.pulling my jacket around my neck my thoughts began to drift,this area hadnt changed in thousands of years,and the only thing out of place was a lone human,me.i went back in time to when my forfathers occopied this are and when my tribal heritage was at its strongest.i envisioned canoes as my ansisters fished for food and enjoyed the unspoiled beauty of this canyon.i got up and sought shelter further inside the cave as the winds began to howl and the snow began to form in swirls across the barren rocks.inside the cane i shed my winter clothing and built a second fire.i must of drifted off with the warm glow of the fire carressing my face becouse i was suddenly woke by laughter and singing and as i looked about i saw warriors,braves,chiefs and sqaws all around the huge smokeless fire.itwas a happy time,women folk were feeding their men huge hunks of meet while the elders sat smoking from pipes made of willow.the little children were playing with a puppy and laughing. i watched for a while and i guess i again drifted to sleep.two days later i was telling my experiance to some fiends,getting the usual comments,what was i smoking,give them what ever i was drinking ect.well i thought i sounded sorta stupid to and i laughed and joked right with them. well a beautiful gal with long full black hair and ice blue eyes came up to me and asked to pick a few songs and dance.well im no fool so i took her to the juke box and we went through the lists,she never looked at the list,only in my eyesand smiled,well i reached in my pocket to get some quarters,when i opened my hand their were 5 arrowheads,sharp and glossy.suprised and embarrsed i looked up to appologize to the beautiful lady but she was gone.when i looked around everyone was talking and drinking so i slithered out and went back to that cave.i placed those 5 arrowheads at the base of the cave,and respectfully i left.now i go there when i need to get away,and get away i do,hundreds of years away.

MY TRUE FAMILY,AT LAST

ALL MY LIFE IVE SEARCHED FOR WHAT MOST PEOPLE TAKE FOR GRANTED,A FAMILY.ONE THAT WILL CARE FOR ME WHEN IM SICK,LISTEN WHEN IM DOWN AND STAND BEHIND ME WHEN I FACE THE UNKNOWN. TO ME ,AN ORPHAN SINCE EARLY CHILDHOOD,A FAMILY WAS ALWAYS A DREAM,AND LIKE MOST DREAMS,IT WAS DESTINED TO BE AN ENDLESS SEARCH. THEN ONE DAY SOMETHING HAPPENED TO ME.MY LIFE ALMOST BECAME NONEXISTANT.EVERYTHING ID DONE WOULD BE GONE,ALL THE PRAYERS ID PRAYED WOULD BE FORGITTEN .THERE JUST WOULD NO LONGER BE ME,AND IT ALMOST CAME TRUE.I WAS ON LIFE SUPPORT,MY BRAIN WASNT FUNCTIONING TO CPACITY AND AT BEST,I WAS EXPECTED TO BE A VEGETABLE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. THEN SOMETHING STRANGE HAPPENED,MY SON CAME UP TO SEE ME AND ALONG WITH HIM HE BROUGHT A LAP TOP.HE BEGAN TO READ ME MY MESSAGES ,AND MY COMMENTS LEFT TO ME BY MY CT FAMILY AND FRIENDS.HE ALSO BROUGHT LETTERS MY LITTLE GIRL WROTE. NOW BEING A SINGLE FATHER MY KIDS MEAN THE WORLD TO ME BUT I HAD A VOID I MY LIFE,I BELONGED TO MY KIDS BUT SOON THEY WOULD BE OUT ON THEIR OWN AND ID BE ALL ALONE.I HADNT BEEN IMPROVING VERY WELL BUT WAS TOLD I MAY LIVE.WELL WHEN MY SON UNRELENTLESSLY READ TO ME IT KICK STARTED MY SRIVE TO CONTINUE.AND I BEGAN TO IMPROVE DAILY.FROM WHAT THE DOC SAYS MY RECOVERY IS YEARS BEYOND WHAT HAD EVER EVEN BEEN EXPECTED. YES MY LOVE FOR MY KIDS WAS MY MAIN DRIVE,BUT IT WAS THE LOVE GIVEN ME FROM MY CT FAMILY AND FRIENDS THAT BROUGHT BACK MY SPIRIT TO FIGHT. I ALWAYS THOUGHT A FAMILY WAS IMPORTANT,AND NOW I KNOW IT IS.ILL ALWAYS BE THEIR FOR MY KIDS BUT NOW I KNOW,MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ME. TODAY MY CT FAMILY BESTOWED A GREAT HONOR UPON ME,ITS NOT A STATUS DEAL,ITS AN APPRECIATION FOR WHAT THEY BELIEVE IVE DONE FOR THEM.WELL MY FAMILY,ITS NOT WHAT IVE DONE FOR YOU,ITS WHAT YOU DID FOR ME IN THE PAST,PRESENT AND FUTURE THAT GIVES ME THE DRIVE AND THE NEED TO SAY TO EACH MEMBER,ANYTIME,ANYWHERE,ANY PLACE,ILL BE THERE FOR YOU,AND MY FRIENDS,I SAY THAT TO YOU ALSO.I LOVE YOU ALL AND ILL NEVER BE ABLE TO REPAY WHAT YOU DONE FOR ME.
sometimes things just get to a person and there just doesnt seam to be anyone you feel can help. well,i guess noone is excluded from that,especially me.tonite my heart is really heavy.i have been going through old photographs and trying to remember things and trying to forget others.well i ran across one picture that really brought me to my knees. it was a photograph of a little child.who that was isnt important for this blog but what the picyure was,is very important becouse it made something that is going on right now leap into a whole new prospective. the child was 6 years old and in a wheel chair .the reason,child abuse.the picture was 27 years oldyet there is no change in his condition.he will live and die just as he is. well,since i knew that child personally it made another child burst into my mind.poor kaleb.once a healthy robust child and cuter than anything you can imagine yet,now he lies fighting every second for his life becouse of some adults abuse.it isnt fair. as i read every report on kaleb i pray.and as i pray i think of all the kalebs there are.thousands and growing dailey yet 85 percent of the perpretaters go either with a slap on the hand or no punishment at all while their victims spend their lives just trying to make it through another hour. this goes beyond sick.its inhuman and i cannt believe they go on living like nothin ever happened.well,god will have his day with them i know but i pray god will have his day with the kalebs to.cure the innocent and let the guilty live the victims lives.but i know that will never be.so this is what im asking anyone that reads this.take 60 seconds,just one minute,bow your heads and ak god to care for the kalebs of this world.its sad when more children die or are maimed every year ,than what we loose soldier in a war. god bless you kaleb and may his healing hand cover your helpless body and make you whole.

TRIBUTE TO A HERO

JOHNNY WAS BORN DEC 3 1950 TO THE PROUD PARENTS MARLA AND JOSH REEDER.HE WAS BORN IN THE FRONT ROOM IN FRONT OF A POT BELLIED STOVE,HIS FATHER DELIVERED HIM.HE WAS A BIG BOY AND WOULD CONTINUE TO GROW BIG AND STRONG.AT AGE 6 HE WAS MILKING THE COWS AND FEEDING THE CHIKENS BEFORE GOING TO SCHOOL.WHEN HE RETURNED HOME HE PICKED UP WHERE HED LEFT OFF.WHEN HE TURNED 11 HIS DAD WAS IN AN ACCIDENT ON THE FARM,HE WAS PULLED INTO THE BAILER.HE LIVED BUT LOST HIS RIGHT ARM ,PART OF HIS RIGHT SHOULDER AS WELL AS THE USE OF HIS LEGS.HIS MOM TRIED TO RUN THINGS BUT AFTER A YEAR JOHNNY DROPPED OUT TO TAKE OVER THE FARM.HE WAS NOW 13. JOHNNY WORKED THAT FARM AND TOOK COROSPONDENCE COURSES TO FINISH HIGH SCHOOL AND HELP TAKE CARE OF THE FARM AND FAMILY.AY 16 JOHNNY LOST HIS MOM .HIS DAD HAD GONE INTO A FIT AND HIS MOM ,WHILE RUSHING HIM TO THE DOCTOR IN TOWN,LOST CONTROL OF THE PICKUP AND WENT END OVER END INTO A POND. JOHNNYS UNCLE CAME AND TOOK HIS DAD TO A FACILITY AND THE FARM WAS PUT UP FOR SALE.WITH NO WHERE ELSE TO GO JOHNNY JOINED THE MARINES.THATS WHERE I MET HIM.AT 6FT 3 AND 215 POUNDS OF PURE COUNTRY FED MUSCEL HE MASTERED THE TRAINING AND WAS PROMOTED TO SARGENT.WE BECAME GOOD FRIENDS.I LATER FOUND OUT JOHNNY HAD NEVER BEEN OFF THE FARM EXCEPT WHEN HE WENT TO SCHOOL.WELL WE GOT OUR ORDERS ONE DAY,HE WAS GOING TO NAM SAME AS I WAS.UNFORTUNATLY DIFFERANT ASSIGNMENTS.I GUESS ID BEEN THERE ABOUT 9 MONTHS BEFORE I RAN INTO JOHNNY AGAIN.THE COUNTRY BOY LOOK WA GONE,HIS VOICE DEEPER AND A COLD STAR HAD REPLACED HIS LAUGHING BLUE EYES.WE TALKED AND SOON WERE LAUGHING AND JOKING.I LATER TALKED TO A FEW OF THE GUYS IN HIS OUTFIT,NO ONE EVEN KNEW HIS NAME.HE NEVER SAID A WORD TO ANY OF THEM.ON MY LAST NIGHT WITH JOHNNY HE GOT A RED CROSS LETTER.HIS DAD HAD SUCOMBED TO PNAMONIA AND HAD DIED.FOR THE FIRST TIME I SAW HIS EYES WATER,THEN HE WIPED THEM,SHOOK HANDS AND LEFT. I NEVER SAW JOHNNY AGAIN.THEN ABOUT 2 YEARS AGO I WAS AT THE WALL LOOKING AND SAYING FARWELL TO THE MANY MEN ID KNOWN THERE.I LOOKED AND I SAW A MAN IN A WHEEL CHAIR WITH A CORN COBB PIPE IN HIS POCKET AND THE USMC INSIGNIA ON HIS JACKET.I STARTED TO APPROACH HIM WHEN A YOUNG NURSE STOPPED ME.SHE SAID HED LOST THE USE OF HIS LEGS AND PART OF HIS FACE WHILE IN NAM.I ASKED HOW ABD SHE EXPLAINED HED TAKEN THE BLUNT FORCE OF A CLAYMORE TO SAVE 3 OF HIS MEN.HE HADNT TALKED TO ANYONE BEFORE THAT OR SINCE AND NO FAMILY WAS EVER FOUND. I LOOKED AT THE GIANT MAN AND GENTLY MOVED THE NURSE TO ONE SIDE.I STEPPED UP AND FROM SOMEWHERE I JUST SAID,JOHNNY?THE MAN DID NOT MOVE AT FIRST THEN I WAS SURROUNDED BY MPS AND THE NURSE,THEY WERE TELLING ME TO GO OR BE ARRESTED.AS I TURNED TO LEAVE A MONSTROUSE DEEP VOICE RANG OUT,"LIETENANT SIR" I PUSHED MY WAY BACK TO THE MAN,FOR THE SECOND TIME IN A LIFE TIME I SAW THOSE LAUGHING EYES COVER WITH MOISTURE.JOHNNY I SAID.HE NEVER LOOKED AT ME BUT HE PUT HIS HAND OVER MINE AND WITH THE OTHER ARM HE FIRED A QUICK SALUTE. I VISIT JOHNNY EVERY WEEK AT THE VA WHEN I GO IN.HES A COUNCILOR THERE NOW GIVING TALKS TO OTHER DISABLED VETS.HIS LAUGHING BLUE EYES ARE BACK AND HIS VOICE THAT OF A TEDDY BEAR.YES I GUESS THERE IS HIDIOUSE SCARES THERE,BUT I DONT SEE THEM.I SEE MY FRIEND,A LONER,NOW MAKING HUNDREDS OF FRIENDS AND TALKING A MILE A MINUTE.THE LAST TIME I SAW JOHNNY WAS LAST WEEK.HES NO LONGER COUNCILING AT THE VA.HES GOING BACK TO A LITTLE PLOT OF GROUND WITH AN OLD BROKEN DOWN HOUSE.HE SAYS HES GOING TO HAVE THE PLACE BROUGHT BACK JUST AS IT WAS THE DAY HE LEFT IT.JOHNNYS GOING HOME.

the flooding of memories

i heard a song today by trace adkins.as i listened things began to happen.the song is arlington.i began to see things as i listened,at first it was just uniforms ,jets ,things like that.suddenly i felt rain on me and i saw plants everywhere.my mind began to go back in time,taking my soul with it.befire i knew what was happening i was back in nam.my first flashback in over 30 years.it was as though i was watching it all but protected by an unseen force field. before i continue let me give you a little back ground.the song arlington is about arlington national cemetary.its a military honor burrial cemetary.soldier who have given the supreme sacrifice are burried there as well as ones that were given the highest honorsd and earned their place amoung the war heros as well as our presidents.the other back ground is ive suffered long term memory loss due to an incident just weeks ago.till now, had no recolection of my time prior to just weeks before. now i found myself amoung my men and my friends that had gone into the marines with me on the buddy system.i saw things we had done while in nam.football games wed played and other things not related to battle.as the song ended my memories continued and somehow the song was playing again,this time there was no fotball,onlt trees and follage.suddenly i was with my friends on a routine patrol.steve,18,my full back in high school was at point.everything was silent.mud caked our boots and the rain soaked our gear.we had just reached our turn around point when suddenly i saw a flash and heard a lous crack.i watched as steves head turned into a red spray then all hell broke loose.i came around on my bedroom floor,soaked in swet.i started to get up when again i saw bobby,my twin brother.we had been separated at birth and until just a week before wed never known of each others existance.now as we sat as brothers bobby was doing my special forces tat when suddenly i was covered in grey matter and blood,a second later bobby fell forward into my arms and died.my mind again shot sharp pains through my head and i was transferred to a rice patty.stan was carrying the last of our wounded to the lz and i was his cover.i jumped into the chopper and gave him the high sign.he struggled to the chopper and we hauled in the wounded soldier just as the chopper began to lift.i grabbed stan and pulled with all my strength .when i git stan in hed been cut in half by machine gun fire.as i looked into his smiling face,stan,18,my tight end in high school smiled at me with clear eyes and said,toutch down,then blood poured out of his mouth and he gurgled his last breath.hours went on and more vissions passed through my mind. i came to and luckily i was alone,still in my room on the floor.id literally ripped up my carpet with my bare fingers that were now covered in blood.my clothes were ripped and my room looked like a battle field. i tried to talk to several persons on ct but finally i forced myself back to reality.yes ,monday the 28,memorial day,i went back in time i have no doubt.i still dont remember my past except for those times in nam and i pray i could loose them again.but those memories came back for a reason,one ,i was able to finally burry some ghosts id sent out to burry before my memory loss,and second,to bring a little hell back to share so that next time you see a soldier,or a disabled vetran,maybe you will have the pride to salute him and the compassion to thank him.you see,when a soldier battles,he never leaves the battlefield.it is now a part of his soul,his own personal hell. written by renegadelvr formerly lt.b.l.sass.u.s.m.c.//special forces/special ops

my past now my fututure

well im not real sure how to do this so bear with me.since the incident that happened to me my past has truely become my present and possble future.i have little recollection of things from the past so i feel god has given me a chance to form my past as i would of liked it to of been.everyday now since my return has become the only past i really remember.its called long term memory loss. when it will return ,or if,i dont know but i do know ive been given a second chance to redo my life.there are people that ive been told i knew but dont remember,this is my chance to possably reform that into a better relationship becouse i have no need to forgive or forget,its gone.maybe thats the reason for what happened to me,there were things i could forgive but not forget,now i have the chance. ive read my blogs and though some seem so familiar the events seem like vauge dreams.some day i may be able to remember them but for now,ive got the chance to maybe redo some of the mistakes i had done before.its strange in a way becouse of so much i cannt remember and im sure theres alot id love to remember ,buti nleft to burry ghosts and it appears i have done just that well,if i offend some by not remembering them,im sorry,lets start again,for those i do remember,i hope if theres anything that was done in th past that it can be forgiven becouse,its definatly forgotten. in a way,its a shame everyone cannt be afflicted with this.no one would fight becouse there would be no reason,no one would hate,becouse the innerbreading of racial hate would be forgotten. just maybe,maybe,the world could coexist in love and forgiveness and maybe ,just maybe,the human race would stop condemming itsself to an endless hell.

SENTELMENTAL JOURNEY

IVE BEEN THINKING ALOT LATELY ABOUT MY LIFE,THINGS IVE DONE,PEOPLE IVE MET,AND PEOPLE THAT HAVE COME AND GONE.AHH,SWEET MEMORIES.IT ALL SEEMS SO LONG AGO YET THERE AS FRESH AS YESTERDAY.CHILDHOOD,VIETNAM,THE AGENCY,LOVES FOUND AND LOVES LOST,EACH HAS ITS OWN BITTER SWEET MEMORY.NOW AS THINGS BEGIN THEIR FINAL NESTING I FIND MYSELF RELIVING THOSE MEMORIES MORE AND MORE.TODAY IVE DECIDED TO SEARCH OUT THOSE MEMORIES AND FIND WHAT IS LEFT OF THE PAST AND WHAT THE FUTURE MAY HOLD. IVE GOT A FEW THINGS PACKED AND STRAPPED ON THE OL BIKE AND IM GOING TO START THAT JOURNEY.FIRST IM GOING TO MY OLD STOMPING GROUNDS,KANSAS CITY. THATS WHERE MY LIFE BEGAN AS FAR AS MY MEMORIES GO AT LEAST.MY FIRST RECOLECTION IS OF QUINDARO BLVD.ON 12 STREET.MY EARLY CHILD HOOD WHEN I HAD MY MOM STILL. FROM THERE,MAPLE HILL CEMETARY WHERE ILL VISIT MY FAMILY BEFORE I EMBARK ON THE LONG RUN.NO THATS NOT DEPRESSING ,I NEVER REALLY KNEW THEM BUT I DO FEEL THE LONLINESS FROM LOOSING THEM.FROM THERE,THE LOWER STATES,TEXAS THEN FLORIDA THEN BACK ACROSS TO CALIFORNIA,YES ITS BACK TRACKING BUT ITS IN THE ORDER OF MY MEMORIES.FROM THERE,ITS DUNSIETH NORTH DAKOTA,I LIVED ON THE RESERVATION FOR A FEW YEARS WITH MY GREAT GRANDPA.BEFORE I JOINED THE SERVICE.FROM THERE,WELL THATS WHERE I DECIDE THE FUTURE,OR WHAT I HOPE THE FUTURE MAY HOLD. I WONT BE ON HERE VERY MUCH EXCEPT WHEN I STOP AT A LIBRARY BUT ILL POST A RUNNING DIARY OF MY JOURNEY AND THE MEMORIES I EXPLORE AND THE CHANGES I FIND.I KNOW THEY SAY U CANNT GO BACK AND IM PREPARED FOR THAT,BUT I KNOW YOU CAN GO BACK.YOU CAN WALK THOSE FIELDS OF DREAMS AND YOU CAN FIND YOURSELF AGAIN. THATS MY SOUL PURPOSE.TO FIND JUST WHO I AM AGAIN AND TO FREE A FEW GHOSTS.IM LEAVING TOMARROW AT 4 AM,WISH ME LUCK,STOP BY AND LEAVE SOME LOVE AND REMEMBER THIS,THERE IS NO GREATER TOMARROW,THAN TODAY. LOVE YOU ALL,AND ILL MISS YOU BUT ILL BE BACK AND IM LEAVING A DIARY OF MY TRIP AS OFTEN AS I CAN.I HOPE A MUCH BETTER RENEGADELVR RETURNS AND FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL,GHOSTS CAN BE BURRIED.ALL MY FAMILY HERE,LOVE YA TO DEATH,ALL MY FRIENDS AND FANS,DONT KNOW WHAT ID DONE WITH OUT YA.TO EVERYONE ELSE,MAY GOD BLESS YOU AND KEEP YOU IN HIS SITE.

life above death

although i was an unmarked unit i answered the call i heard over the two way.it was for an accident on the la freeway.im not in traffic but for some reason i answered the call,willian adam 7 respondind. as i pulled up to the accident i thought,nothing left here but coroners work.i got out and walked past the wreckage,the camaro had no top,neither did the occupants,the rig was fully ingulfed,nothing to do there,then i saw some reflection down the embankment,as i radioed in i ran down the steep enbankment.there i found another vehichle,rolled several time and the top of the car leval with the body,more casualties i thought. as i started to walk away i heard a faint help.i ran back and called out for the survivor.i got a faint response and i looked for a way in.as i reached under an exposed possable entry i felt something wet against my legs,when i stood up i got the pugenant smell of gas. i layed next to the entry and talked to the occupant,she was an 18 year old,and in labor,.i looked up the embankment and saw a state truck,i ran up and found it to be a water tanker for the highway dept.unable to get him to cooperate i comendered the truck and drove it to the shoulder.another man came up to help me.togather we rolled hose down to the vehichle in an attempt to watr down the gas.once we got that started we were able to slowly roll the car to a possition whee i had access to the driver. by that time i heard more sirens approach but i couldnt stop what i was doing.i crawled into the vehichle and was able to free the young girl from her strapps.she was bleeding bad but what was worse,she began to have her baby. as i worked inside the vehichle fire and paramedics arrived outside the vehichle.they worked to stabalize the car while i continued inside.the baby was healthy and i passed it back through the clearing to a paramedic.i then turned my attention to the girl,now unconscience.she was bleeding rom her legs and face but the worse was a jagged piece of tin embedded in her neck,right next to the juggular.id been a paramedic for years as well as an officer but this was beyond my training.we got the hospial on the line and i began to try and follow the instructions as they were relayed to me.foam from the fire dept was beginning to fill in around me aand i was nautouse from the watered down gas.soon i had her wrapped and leavinf the tin in place i gauzes around it.it was now or never,we had to try extracation. we didnt have the jaws of life then and the saw was out of the question.they used their hands and what ever they could find to pry the opening bigger so we could remove her.the trick was how to remove her and me at the same time,and the backboard had no give. i pulled her back as i crouched in the corner,as they pulled i guided.suddenly the car rolled ahain as the men on the outside tried to physically brace the car,paramedics worked to free the girl.they finally had her free and as i srarted to follow her i found that the car has rolled enough to trap my jacket under the car.i was unable to escape. as i struggled to free myself from my jacket i felt the car begin to slide,i heard the crews yellind but they could not contain the car.i remember the gas and the feeling of the roll then i guess i blacked out. i awoke the next day.my co and several officers and fire dept personel were there.i was stiff but as i mentally took inventory i was whole and could feel all my extrimeties.a nurse asked me a few questions and then left.a small teen age boy made his way through the crowed.he carried a lil baby.this is consualla jessie martinez,my daughter he said,a proud look on his face.i didnt say anything but he took my hand and grasp it saying something i was unable to grasp. i was in the hospital for three days.it appeared id swallowed gas and water,lol.the doc came in and said i was a lucky man,the car indeed had slid and rolled over twice while i was inside.it landed on its side in a small pond like body of water. later as i began to remember things i asked about the young girl and the baby.my partner laughed and said i met the baby,it was the one that the young man had brought to me.when i asked about the girl again he looked at me and turned and walked out,i was sad,i knew she had died. soon the nurse wheeled in another bed ,strange i thought,i had a private room.she came around and said i would have a guest for a little while.i shrugged and said fine.figuring id have some grouchie old fart i turned on the tv while they brought the old fart in. soon they pulled back the curtain and shut off the tv,i started to protest but i saw the young man standing there.he finished pulling back the curtain and there i saw the baby in a small bed and as i looked at the grumpy old fart,my heart lept with joy,there was the young lady and mother.the young man knelt by my bed and spoke with tears in his eyes.this is my familia,it is becouse of you i have them,he then broke down.i looked at the girl,bandaged from head to toe.she was the second most beautiful site id ever seen.then i looked at the most beautiful site of all as the oung man raised the baby and laid her im my arms. that was many years ago.so many that i recieved an invitation to a graduation at the lapd accadamy. it read you are cordually invited to the graduation of consualia jessie martinez,top graduate of the class of 2000. some times life does out do death and when it does,its truely gods work.today consuala is a swat member of the elite lapd.her dad is a dr.in san fransisco.her mom,she works as a theropist for people injured in accidents. renegadelvr
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