Charisma's blog: "living life to the fullest"

Once again this is Renegadelvr's fiance, Forsaken Bitch. He had his surgery on Oct. 27th. He did have a minor complication after the surgery, but he is doing well now. He really appreciates everyone's thoughts, prayers, and gifts. He does have a long recovery ahead of him. He hopes to be able to get online soon so he can thank everyone for himself. For now i'm going to end this blog and let him add to it if he is able to get online at a later point. I will try to keep everyone updated as time goes on. THANK YOU EVERYONE!!!!!! Forsaken Bitch and Renegadelvr~Always & Forever

Right now he is doing pretty good. He is making some good improvements. He will however be undergoing one last surgery later this month before he gets the all clear! He thanks everyone for all the love, support, and prayers. He hopes you will still keep him in his prayers for this last surgery..... We talk on a daily basis and I will keep everyone updated on him. Please feel free to hit me up if you have any questions about him, or a personal message you would like to be passed on to him. For those of you who do not know, I am his fiance, Forsaken Bitch...My link is on his homepage. Thanks very much to everyone!!!!!!!!

As everyone is aware Renegadelvr has not been online in quite some time. I (his fiance, Forsaken Bitch) have been watching his page. I spoke to him earlier tonight and he has taken ill! He has asked me to get on his page and ask all of his friends to please place him in their prayers. He believes he will get well, but believes he needs alittle extra help! So everyone please, I ask with all the love in my heart that I have for him for you to please place him in your prayers so that he may get a quick recovery!! Thanks to everyone!!!!

Upon my knee I announce my plea, My lovely Mary, will you marry me? You fill my heart with God given love You make my life bring forth new meaning. I promise to love you and protect you, To honor you and bring you peace. I promise to be devoted and cherish you always, To listen and always be a friend. I promise to be understanding and to be there for you, But MOST OF ALL, I promise to love you. You've made me feel purpose, belonging, and security. I promise to do these things for you in return. Marry me and become my wife, I'll love you forever past the end of my life. Marry me and remain my friend, For it was friendship that led this to begin. Marry me and don't change a thing, I love you for you, there's no need to change. We've had our up's and we've shared our down's, Yet never have we parted. We've had our trials and tribulations too, They brought us together and together LOVE grew! Time for thinking has now past, It's time for both of US to act... Marry me Mary and I'll always be true, Make me the happiest man anyone ever knew. There's just one thing now you must finally do, Look me in the eyes And say "I DO!"

Lying here in a big empty bed, Memories of you playing in my head. I close my eyes and I can feel your touch, A soft tender touch I miss so much. Slowly I begin to drift off in restless sleep, Memories of us together keep running deep. We belong together I believe in my heart, And it pains me so that we are apart. But I know as I lie here in bed, Someday soon we will be wed. We'll raise our family and have a fresh start, Nothing ever again will keep us apart. I know all the waiting has caused great pain, And many times I felt like going insane. But then I remember that sweet loving kiss, And it's truely you I dreadfully miss. So take heart dear to what I now say, Soon we'll be together, and together we'll stay. Put your hand in my hand and say "I DO", For very soon I'll be coming home to you. I'm no writer and I don't claim the fame, But the words are from my heart just the same. Now close your eyes and meet me in my dream, We'll spend that time together, till together we reign supreme. No other can ever take your place, Every where I look I see your face. Now please put all doubts aside, Till it's with me you stand beside. Every night I give thanks to God above, For giving me such a perfect woman to love. Just close your eyes and don't be wary, I'm coming home soon to my sweet Mary.... Dedicated to my lovely to be wife, Mary aka Forsaken Bitch.....

I laid someone very close to me to rest recently. I'd like to think I knew that friend better than anyone else, yet, to be truthful no one ever really knew him. He grew up fast and he grew up hard, yet the heart that beat within was a heart full of Love and Compassion. He was raised as a street wise kid. He had no parents and his foster families couldn't have cared less whether he lived or died. As a young teen everyone younger and older came to him for advise and he always listened and gave them his heart in return. He kept emotions deep within his soul, never showing fear or shedding a tear. He was thought to be invincible by those who knew him and those who didn't know him were intimidated by his ways. He once stood as a tall, powerful man, but I knew the real man inside, the man who wept over a hurt animal, cried for a lost friend, defended those in need and most of all, gave his all for those around him. In truth that giant, intimidating giant was nothing more than a cuddling, lovable teddybear. Though he was liked and admired by most everyone, he was lonely and sad. He could have anything he wanted because he brought himself up with high morals, pride, and love. He worked a lot, Lord he was a workaholic. He never gave to himself, but gave himself completely to all. He was a man, alone. I have the highest respect for my friend, but I must confess, I won't miss him. He's laid aside his mysterious secret life that he had lived all his life. The past is slowly being burried... You ask how can I not miss such a friend? You ask how can I turn my back and not look back? Yes, I've laid to rest the man who had it all. You see, he had nothing at all really. No one to tuck him in as a child, no one to take care of him whe he was sick, no one to write him letters when went to war, no one to love him when he shed a tear. His happieness was doing for others, not for himself. Yes he had married and found love did not exist except for the love from his children, sadly even they marked him as invincible. Now a war he fought 35 years ago has taken what was the only thing he possessed, his life.... He served his purpose to his fellow man, he asked nothing in return and he got nothing. He died May 15, 2007 and piece by piece he's been laid to rest, and his ghosts will be laid with him. His soul will be set free to seek out what life had never given him. I'll answer your questions and put your mind to rest. How can I not miss such a man as my friend? His life was empty and lonely, a living hell for him. How can I not look back? Why look back at heartache and pain, and keep such a life alive? You see, I've laid that man to rest, and by doing so I've let that man truely begin to live. He's free now to seek out love and happieness, and I might add he's found them both! What's that you say? OH I see, your confused, Let me explain. I said I'd laid him to rest, not that he had died. You see, The man of the past will live on in history books and training programs and in the minds of those who knew him, but his soul no longer must suffer that life he lived. He's found happieness and has learned to smile.... He's found love and has learned to live.... No more secrecy must he keep. But he can share all with the ones he loves. No more betrayal must he face, for true love has taken it's place. No more tears must he shed, for the dying and the dead. No more heartaches must he endure, for he can live life and be sure. Though his loved ones know not his true past, There is a love that will always last. No more life will he live where all is sad, He'll be a family man and a proud dad. He'll no longer have to carry a gun, He'll enjoy life and enjoy life's fun. No longer will his life be filled with strife, For he's taking his love and making her his wife. How can I be so precise as I tell it to you? I say this because for the rest of his life he will be free, and I know it's true because That Man Once Was ME....... Written for MY ONE TRUE LOVE,MARY (FORSAKEN BITCH)

we started our relationship fighting,she wanted me out and i wanted to stay in,well after 10 months she got her wish and i came out,all 10 lbs 8 oz of me.well she may of won that battle but the war had just began and would last for the next 8 years.shed dress me and id end up naked as a jay bird next door as soon as she turned her back.she fix me food,id redo the kitchen with it,shed bath me and id find every speck of dirt to roll in.oh yes those were the days,lol,never a dull moment.shed disaplin me but id give those baby blues and she always forgive me,at least till i kept repeating it.yes ,we had a good relationshipfor those years. i lost that angel of mercy when i was just eight years old to cancer and id lost my father when i was just three.i never really knew him becouse he went to prison when i was born.hed cashed a check to feed his family ,unforunatly it wasnt his to cash and he went to prison and there he died.it was mom that raised me and when se died i thought my world was over,i was in 11 differant foster homes by the age of 10 and let me tell you,most of them should of been in prison for the way they did foster children but thats another story. i always went to visit mom when i could and put flowers on her grave but by the time i was 15 id long stopped going there.life was a struggle becouse i was on my own ,working,trying to do school and living out of trash cans for food and junk cars for housing.i eventually got into trouble and ended up paying a drunk to be my dad and sign me into the service as a marine.i was 2 years to young to join so we lied to the recruiter and by my birthday i was vacationing in viet nam. well during that vacation i got to relive alot of my past,all 16 long years of it.one nite during a fire fight i began to hear a song my mother sang to me as a child,it was tur a lur a lurra,an irish lulaby.then i heard her voice and comfort came over me.it took me 46 months before i was able to return to my moms grave but when i did,i sat there and talked ,cried,laughed and prayed with my mom.i could actually feel her presents and hear her voice. since that time ive talked to her thousands of times,gotten advise from her and even gotten to grow closer to her as an adalt.no im not some nut that talks to the dead or worships ghosts or talks to et,im just a man that every day misses his mom more and more.the short time i had with her she instilled in me love,respect for others and myself,and the love of our father above. the point im making,or trying to make is this, those old fashion values seam to be disappearing nowdays ,kids break away from their parents so early now and it such a shame.when was the last time you saw a family do something togather or a child telling their parents I LOVE YOU,or even brothers and sisters saying it to each other?well all i really wanted to say was look up your mom and dad,if they are living then show them you do love them,if theyve past,its not to late,tell them you love and miss them.i cannt say they hear you,though i believe they do,but ill garntee you,youll feel it in your heart and brother,that feeling speaks as loud as words.well i preached enough i guess,just remember,you dont know what u got till its gone. and mom,I REALLY DO MISS YOU AND I FEEL YOUR LOVE IN MY HEART EVERY DAY,THANK YOU.

Silence engulfs me, blanketing me with darkness of the night. The world outside my shelter has ceased to interpret my meaning of life, My pride silently has drifted away into another time and place. Things have overtaken my purpose and this I can not face. My mind has opened up into a transparent solitude, And I begin to watch my life replay before my very eyes. I watch as the years play by, I knew I had a purpose yet I never why. A child brought into the world should be a beautiful thing. The innocence and love inside should never be disturbed. Yet as the years flash by innocence is long ago forgotten And the love sealed by a hardened casing nothing can penetrate. I watch my life pay on and the opportunities die before me. Silently I move my hand down arm, listening as the cylinder rolls. Again I watch as the years play by. Helping those whose hearts my soul has penetrated within. I try to help them have a better life where maybe love will begin I see as those I help find happiness and love inside, Yet no one sees the tears that my mask does hide. Big brother to all but for me theres no one to hold, It's like a one sided love story needing to be told. Once again I listen to the clicks as the cold cylinder rolls down my arm. My life has generally been happy and free despite the hand that had been dealt to me. I can not complain of the life I've lived and loved so well. To some it's been like a fairytale their grandparents might tell. From rags to riches and back in between. I'd lived the life very few here have seen. The clicks are now silent and my arm begins to raise, I cry out to my god to forgive me and hear my praise. I close my eyes and new visions flood my mind, There are new feelings I'd found from the years I'd been blind. True Love, of that I'd always been robbed. No one had ever heard my cries or seen me sob. My loneliness and pain I'd kept inside. Always my feelings I'd forced to hide. To late to save me Love came my way, I wish my health would let me stay. My heart has been touched as never before, but fate had sealed dooms sounding door. The cold steel now presses to my head, At last in mere moments I'd lie there dead. Love was the fulfillment in life that was my need. I'd been blessed with children that would carry my seed. But they now will begin their own way down life's path of gold, I pray they remember all they'd been told. I did my best and had given my all, And the love they've given has made me stand tall. Slowly my thumb presses the hammer into place. Soon I'd be leaving, praying for a better place. And to the one that came to rescue my heart, My love for you shall never part. I'll be there beside you and stroke your hair, But life as grand as it can be ended up being taken from me. No bullets ever found their mark, No explosions had ever left me lying in the dark, Twas my serving my country to help others be free, That caused my life to be taken from me. Death dropped from the skies so blue, Causing slow death and of that is is true. It was suppose to clear out the foliage and make a path, But it took out ten thousand soldiers, do the math. My finger begins to make a steady pull and my thoughts are of her, who'd made me whole. Our time together was short yet so sweet, It took a lifetime before we would meet. My purpose in life was never revealed to me, But to her I say those words to set her heart free. Your purpose may not ever be known to you, But you've given me happiness and love with all you do. Maybe your heart will hold in it a spot for me, I guess my life just wasn't meant to be. My mind now is racing and my thoughts are confused, Tears run down my face and by my country I'd been used. I'd held out for that love I thought I'd never find, But in her it had come to me, I don't want to leave it behind. But her life would be filled with having to care for me, And her soul trapped never to be free. I can't ask her to accept just half a man, Even though I know she'd do all she can. The pain in my heart begins to come through, There's only one thing left I can do. I remove her picture from the pocket on my chest, "Trust me Mary, It's for the best, You have so much yet to give, you can't do that if I were to live. Keep faith in God above and know it is you I will forever love." I see a bright flash then hear voices all around. There is no more loneliness, just happiness abound. I see my family and all the friends I once had, yet there is something still making me sad. I look down through the clouds in the sky, There is my Mary with tears in her eyes...... *******The Story behind The Story****** Though this sounds like a suicide note it's actually just the opposite. You have a man, a man who's life has been as full as 5 person's twice his age. He's experienced the world and all it's treasures, yet he'd been robbed as a child by the loss of his parents. He'd been robbed as a young teen when he went to 'nam for his teen years. He was a friend to all and did anything for his friends yet he was lonely and sad. He never knew true love yet searched for it all his life. One day when traveling to meet some friends he had a medical disorder and almost died. He found out he had contracted Agent Orange and it was taking his life. He accepted that and was ready to die. His kids were fairly well grown and didn't need him. His friends were all dead and he had no family. He even began to think he had no purpose anymore. As his time clock ticked down to mere weeks to live he meets a woman whom felt like he'd known for years or maybe a prior life. He found true love yet was sentenced to die soon from his disease. It's true, he did have a gun up to his head and the trigger was in motion but then God sent him a vision of his purpose. His purpose was the woman he loved, that's when he seen her with tears in her eyes. Not only did he find purpose but he found hope and Most Of All LOVE... The trigger was fully pulled, that's why he saw the flash of light, but the bullet missed it's mark, even at point blank range. No way you say? Do you believe in miracles? Well listen to this, The bullet smashed into the wall next to him. It was perfectly in line with his temple. Still don't believe in miracles? Well I'd tell you how he and his beloved Mary lived out many years together, raised their kids, loved and cherished each other til the day they died and then you'd believe in Miracles, but I don't have the time right now, I have to get back to Mary, she's calling my name. ***Story after story dedicated to Mary, the love of my life. Renegadelvr

The man stood alone on the peak overlooking his life, He was leaving behind him all the heartbreak and strife. As he drank yet another swallow from his flask, He felt he'd failed in his life's given tasks. He lit a cigarette and walked to the edge of the peak, And with tears looked to the sky for the answers he'd seek. A good full life he had lived, He thought he'd given all he could give. He devoted his life to help others and was a good dad, Yet now in his heart all he could feel was sad. From younger days running the strip, To future days taking the family vacation trip. All seemed to be in its right place, Yet something in his life he could not face. He stood looking into the night's darken lair, He knew the reason he'd been call there. He remembered the days when he'd been called to war, And how so many had died fighting that Evil Whore. Would they have lived a good life, had beautiful children, and a loving wife? Would they have made something if they had a second chance at life? Would they more importantly be proud of the life he'd made? Would their lives been better had they stayed? Now years have past and each day has haunted his mind, To him Life's ways had not been very kind. He walked over to his bike and removed a crumpled picture, It was of a time of his happiness, of that he was sure. It showed a lovely blonde bending next to her child, The thoughts of his time with her drove him wild. She'd been by his side through darkness and light, She'd given him the strength he needed to continue his fight. He was dying yet he wanted to make best her life. She was his final happiness given from the Lord above. He'd finally gotten to know the meaning of true love. He again returned to his bike, placing the picture in its place, He remembered her love and her tender grace. He removed a package from his saddle bags, It was full of foreign mail tags. He opened the box that contained but 3 items in its space Inside lay a medal, a badge, and a lonely cross He returned to the ledge and he began to dig a hole, He placed inside the box that contained his haunted soul. Gently he covered the box, stood and snapped a salute, Then he pressed it solid with the heal of his boot. Then he said these words to the silence that surrounded him, "I've done my best, and owned up to my mistakes, I leave behind me the life I've lived and all my regrets" And he gave a final salute to the deceased vets He walked back and sat again on the bike looking out over the darkness He returned home early that next morning Silently he removed pictures and awards that reflected his past As he packed them he smiled and silently said " I'm happy at last" He then walked up the spiral stairs and looked into each room, He no longer felt all that impending doom. There were his boys fast asleep in their beds, He prayed only happy thoughts enter their heads. Then he opened his bedroom door, Then he stepped in just a little more. "Are you alright hun?" "And is what you had to do done?" He didn't answer but he took her in his arms, There he'd protect her from all life's harms. He kissed her passionately on the lips, As his trembling hands held her about her hips. Now the aged biker sits on his porch with the one who saved his life, He'd finally found happiness and peace, As he held onto the hand of his wife. He looked at her and smiled and said "I'll love you 4-ever" And that's the way it went. Till in another life they'd live and love again for all eternity as ONE.... ***Dedicated to Forsaken Bitch (Mary), my future wife. For without her "Biker 1" would have been played out and ended for good. She's my reason to believe in miracles...... Renegadelvr