Ali the Restless's blog: "Life. Love and Fubar"

The hand that wrote this letter
Sweeps the pillow clean
So rest your head and
read a treasured dream
I care for no one else but you
I tear my soul to cease the pain
I think maybe you feel the same
What can we do?
I'm not quite sure what we're supposed to do
So I've been writing just for you

They say your life is going very well
They say you sparkle like a different girl
But something tells me that you hide
When all the world is warm and tired
You cry a little in the dark
Well so do I
I'm not quite sure
what you're supposed to say
But I can see it's not okay

He makes you laugh
He brings you out in style
He treats you well
And makes you up real fine
And when he's strong
He's strong for you
And when you kiss
It's something new
But did you ever call my name
Just by mistake?
I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to do
So I'll just write some love to you

OK, well I guess this has to be the last update of this blog, the reasons for which will become apparent if you read on a little..

Chemo has started and bar the odd nausea session and the ever present tiredness, that seems to be going ok... Radiotherapy started too... Unfortunately, that has been a problem. Things aren't going great and they have had to stop.. The reason??

Well I'm lead to understand that radiotherapy irradiates the general area where the cancer is and kills the cells there. This is actually quite a good thing because whereas cancer cells don't regenerate, the human bodys cells do! Yayy!! Way to go cells!! Yeah, they regenerate and become as good as new... all except mine! Mine for some reason disintergrate. After just 3 sessions, they have had to stop because I am having a bleed problem from not only my mouth and nose, but also from some quite substancial skin damage around my general chest area... And for some really strange reason, most of my teeth have suddenly become loose.... Cool huh!!

So what does this all mean?? Well, having been in the hospital since Wednesday, and having had numerous tests carried out, I have been told today by my doctor, that they can't go on with the radiotherapy (really???) because of the damage it's causing, but they would be continuing with the chemo.. And what will that mean in the long run??? Ahhh... the $64,000 question!!!

It means dear friends, that my chances of surviving this thing have been reduced by about 80%. Yes 80%!!! So what will happen?? I will keep trying because that's just my nature, but it's unlikely that I'll be around much more than 2 years. If I'm lucky maybe a little longer. So the blog has become pretty much redundant.

I've been on Fubar for a few days over a year and on the planet for a few days under 55 years. I guess the time has probably come.

I just want to thank all my friends here on Fubar, for their strength and friendship that they have so freely and unreservedly given, to those who dislike me, I'd like to thank them too, for providing me with a cause to come back each day for the entertainment that they so weirdly provide, and most of all, I thank you baby for giving me.... well pretty much everything. I love you, more than I can ever express with words alone, and always will, no matter what.

Thank you all for your patience with me and for all the love you have shown me over the past year... As long as I am able to be here, I will always return that love.

Ok... so here is the update!

A short while after my last update, remember that one?, it's just underneath here, I was in a lot of pain and I was having pains in my lower chest too which was new... so off I went to the ER... Good or bad, it had to be done!

So I get here and low and behold, I'm told that, yes I have pain because of my cancer but I now also have a heart arrythmia brought about by the pain from the other sodding thing. So they hook me up to a heart monitor and stuff me full of tablets to sort out the rythm of my heartbeat and stick me with syringes full of some sort of pain killer and put me in a bed facing a window that had a wonderful view of  brick wall... Good day huh?? To top it off, they tell me that I have to stay here till the morning and see if my heart will maintain the correct rythm. 

The interesting thing to me is that I'm now told that, to avoid any further heart complications, I can't have any stronger pain medication. Now without stronger pain meds, doesn't that increase the risk of my heart being thrown out of wack again by increased pain, and if it does, doesn't that then mean that I'll be back here again sooner rather than later?? See.... this was what I was saying before.... Catch 22!!!

I guess some days, you just can't win!!!

Well, seeing as how I started writing this thing I suppose it's only right to keep going.......

So some time has passed since the initial shock of being told that I have lung cancer and that my days are probably numbered. Like I said before, I have sat myself down and thought hard and long about it and have made my peace with it.... sort of.... I've spent hours thinking about it, sitting on the beach watching the sea rolling in and out, and watching the waves break on the odd rock and my dog playing on the sand. And yes, I am prepared for the worst but I'm not totally sure if I'm prepared for the best... as strange as that may sound.

Yes we all have off days for sure, but when I look back on my life in general, the bad seem to out number the good and that can't be a good thing. I look at the good, and 2 things stick out in my mind like burning pin points of light in a dark sky... The birth of my 2 sons and the date July 2nd 2010. Other good things that twinkle in the darkness and leave their mark are the friends I have made along the way, both in the real world and here at Fubar. And then I look at the bad, a marriage that was doomed from the day we said "I do" that ran in misery for us both for far too long, the hurt and misery caused by and still being caused by the ending of said marriage, the death of my father, the lapses over the years into virtually becoming an alcoholic, the substance abuse, the constant loneliness of being with someone who you are not in love with and who doesn't love you, December 11th 2010, and a whole plethora other events that make you wonder "Why?"

So you think to yourself, the bad outweighs the good, I can accept that so if you go you can understand it and the logic that goes along with the end of this lifetime. But wait a minute... what about medical science... that says "we can make you all better, or try to anyway, so what have you got to lose?" So you start to think, ok, that sounds good lets do that, and so you decide to fight it and try whatever needs to be tried to make yourself better... and there you have it my friends... catch 22... the eternal circle.... should I stay or should I go?

Yesterday was April 11th 2011. I had my first doctor/patient "chat" about what will happen and what needs to be done. I went to the hospital for my 8:30am meeting ("Be prompt Mr. Soyer") and was promptly seem at 11:42am... I was told by my doctor, a woman who was trained in the USA, that even though they would do everything possible to make sure that I would recover, that realistically my chances of a full recovery are 20% and the chance of my life expectancy of increasing upto 5 years is 40%, now I'm not a betting man but I don't much like the sound of those odds.. So doctor, what are my alternatives and how long do you think I have if I don't have any treatment? Well, it's difficult to say but you can expect about 23 months... 23 months??? Why not 2 years??? Anyway, a month one way or the other isn't going to make that much of a difference, I've already decided to take the treatment and see if I can get into that 20%. So what about the treatment? Whats going to happen and what can I expect?

And so the hard part begins, she tells you what they are going to do to you... 1 Chemotherapy treatment every 2 weeks to see how my body and the cancer reacts and radiotherapy weekly for the first month and then we'll have another little "chat". "and oh yes, you may experience some pain both during the period of the treatment and before and after". So you tell her that, yes well I already have considerable pain and I would like a painkiller thats more effective than the one you gave me before. And then the answer comes that you don't believe and that makes you want to laugh at the same time.. We can't give you anything stronger because those sort of pain medications can become addictive and you don't want that do you?? Hang on! It's me thats in pain here... do you think I care if I get addicted if I may only have "23 months" left to live??? but Oh no... we can't have that now can we... 

So you can see my dilemma! I think they are going on the premise that they want to make me better if it kills me, and if the pain I had a few nights ago and that which I have now is anything to go by, I think that may be the case. So what's it to be??? 

I'd be lying if I said that I haven't had second thoughts, but hey, nobody is perfect... least of all me... Am I ready for life? I don't know.. but I'm just going to have to see how it goes.

"Time"

Time - He's waiting in the wings
He speaks of senseless things
His script is you and me boys

Time - He flexes like a whore
Falls wanking to the floor
His trick is you and me, boy

Time - In Quaaludes and red wine
Demanding Billy Dolls
And other friends of mine
Take your time

The sniper in the brain, regurgitating drain
Incestuous and vain,
and many other last names
I look at my watch it say 9:25 and I think
"Oh God I'm still alive"

We should be on by now [x2]
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la [repeat]

You - are not a victim
You - just scream with boredom
You - are not evicting time

Chimes - Goddamn, you're looking old
You'll freeze and catch a cold
'Cause you've left your coat behind
Take your time

Breaking up is hard, but keeping dark is hateful
I had so many dreams,
I had so many breakthroughs
But you, my love, were kind, but love has left you
dreamless
The door to dreams was closed.
Your park was real dreamless
Perhaps you're smiling now,
smiling through this darkness
But all I had to give was the guilt for dreaming

We should be on by now 

It's strange for me to be writing this really because having started I'm not really sure how to continue. In the time I have been here at Fubar, I have made a few enemies, some very good friends and one person in particular who makes my whole exsistance mean something. No matter what the relationship, I am thankful for each and every one of you. You have all been the source of a great deal of happiness to me and have become a part of my life that I cannot go a day without, and even though Fubar will only allow me to put 50 of you into my fu-family, I wish that I could include each and every one of you. Some of you have known me for quite a long tme, others are only recently getting to know me but I would like to think that I have touched your lives in much the same way that you have all touched mine.

Having said that, and probably sounded like an old fool, I suppose, its time to get to the point. 

I have for a couple of months been suffering from some health problems. Those of you that are close to me will already be aware of them, but I have tried to carry on my everyday life, both real and Fu, as normally and with as little change as possible. However, the recent passing of a friend here on Fubar shook me up a great deal and made me rethink certain things... I miss you Sonya, I hope that you are finally at rest. The saddest thing about Sonya's passing for me was that she couldn't tell people about her pain and her situation. It was all sort of anonymous and that shouldn't ever be the case, because we all leave our own mark, no matter how small, on the people that we know. So having said all that I had better get to the point before I put you all to sleep.

 
This past Saturday (April 2nd.),  I was diagnosed as having lung cancer and this was confirmed to me earlier this morning (Monday). I have been having tests done for several weeks now and I have been expecting this outcome so for me it has come as no real surprise. I have made my peace with it and I am determined to fight it to the best of my ability. Having said that, sometimes you get into fights that you just can't win, so I wanted all of my friends and loved ones here in the place were i have found love and happiness, to hear it from me. I am not angling for sympathy, I am just stating the facts.... I refuse to be anonymous.

 And so, I guess all that I want to say, to all of my friends, is thank you. Thank you for being there, thank you for taking the time to get to know me, thank you for making me laugh and cry, thank you for accepting me into your lives. There are too many to name individually but each one of you has touched my life and enriched it with your presence and one of you in particular, that has made every second that I have known you more important and meaningful than anything I have ever or will ever know.

As I said before, I will be fighting this as hard as I am humanly able to do and I hope to be here for a long a long time to come but if the outcome goes against me and I suddenly disappear for any extended period of time, I want you all to know the reason and not to have to go on hearsay or rumours.

And so, that's about it really... It's really all I wanted to say... Those of you that have read this and not yet fallen asleep, thank you for your patience and understanding and those of you that haven't wont know what the hell it is about anyway (lol).... all that remains to be said I guess is something that I learned from someone who is very important to me and is a great motto to live your life by..... Peace, Love and Rock'n'Roll.