petrichor badwolf's blog: "just some stuff"

my temperature is 101.2.  i could be sick, but i think its just going in to shut down mode.  I think my brain is gonna get a break and a full nights sleep will be had...yaye for the human body...life/energy/organisms  are so amazing...i think of computers overheating, blue screening and shutting down...my body seems to be doing this, and its amazing...its like...I've had enough...although *I* would argue I had had enough about 6 days ago, but that's just me.  the man with the knife can suck it tonight...i doubt he will be allowed to show up, as the mind is fried until it reboot.

on the flip side, my day time life is kind of cool at the moment...i love my new job, i love the people that are in my daily life.  i am not yelled at by customers and i still don't have to place the kid in after care....she likes coming to work and helping out and being around the people she loves as well. making more money would be a plus, but really my needs are being met, as are the Z baby's.  I think that the Buddha hit it spot on when he (reportedly) said that desire is the root of sadness.  desire can be a good thing, it can motivate us, it can keep us going in a forward motion, but allowing desire to overtake you, and then not have Desire met, it can be anguishing and painful.  I think I am very fortunate in that it is not often that my Desires outweigh what I am receiving from life in general.  appreciation over expectation i guess *shrug n a grin*

one night of sleep..one night of sleep...its the mantra, the chant, the desire...please oh please just one night of sleep...its been over a week and its time for a break...i...can....do...this...

Sometimes, the night has teeth..I really admire people who work at keeping a positive attitude.  I feel like it is our duty to be as kind and generous as we possibly can.  I can keep up with the joneses when it comes to sarcasm, but I try not to fall in to that trap, because it really just feels like, at some point, it just became ok to be negative and adversarial.  I am a little envious of those who are just naturally optimistic, because, I myself, have to work very hard at it....and while I think it is worth it, it is not always easy...for me..the night has teeth...this seems to be the time where, if i dream...i am reminded of horrible occurrences...over and over again, i get to relive atrocities in weird, surreal segments.  sometimes, i don't even get to remember my dreams, i just wake up....knowing....something happened on the other side of reality...that wasn't good....it takes me a moment to become...unscared...resettled....whatever....i don't know.

this morning...well...today...will take a little extra effort..,.....

WIND

We flit and we float on Ramman's strong wings
the whisp of his coat
the bend of his strings
Some days he kisses and holds us as babes
only to flick us with fists of his rage
He fills us with pride from a gust, riding by
Only to fling us kicking dirt in our eye
He is gentle as wool in his love i dare say
making and breaking how we render each day.
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Facet

he had asked her just in passing how she was, and she said mostly ok, but she could not shake the emptiness....she never could seem to shake the emptiness for as long as she could remember.  He chuckled and she looked at him the way a puppy looks at a bug when it is trying to figure it all out. 

'SHE told me that.'  he said 'She told me I had to learn to love myself.  She said I have to learn to forgive myself, that it was like i had a hole inside of me that no one could fill up.  I think she hated me because of it....I too, know *empty*.'

She knew he knew empty, thats why she liked him, because he understood her and didnt expect her to love him or feel anything except empty.  He hoped for her, she knew that about him.  He loved her enough for the both of them.  She told him that she loved herself as much as she could love anything, and that she still could never forgive herself...not ever....He said she had to.  She said she will just learn to live with the emptiness. 

and so thats what she does...everyday.  Sometimes she can negotiate with It, can make it hide while the sun is out.  It doesnt like heat, or light, so it will retreat.  But once that sun is down and quiet sets in, it sits there like a sibling in a car on a long trip with It's finger a millimeter from her nose, taunting her.  'i'm not touching you.'  it whispers maniacally.  She turns her face to stone because It will not allow her to cry, because if she cries she will drown in the hole It has created, so her tears swish around in her head making headaches, making her neck feel like it will snap in two if she tried to lift her head up. 

She likes to fall in love with empty people, because she can feel their emptiness too, but at least it is theirs and not hers.  why does she do that?  maybe because it is familiar and comfortable...maybe because if she actually found someone that was full she would sponteneously combust, or they would see that she deserves to be empty because thats how it has always been.  Maybe she would not be able to handle anything different.  But he knows.  He has his own emptiness, and he knows how painfull something so nothing can feel. 

She remembered her mom used to like to say "cry me a river, build a bridge, and then get over it...but don't forget to get over it."  But how does she start building a bridge when she doesn't even know how to cry..or, really, what IT is?

 So, today her clown face is painted to perfection, so its ok

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EverybodyLies

lies

you say you despise,

but your faces erase

what you say is true.

darkness.

through fear

i cut my hand,

if i can

 find you

i understand

life as i know it

will kneel before you.

im tired of being pushed

to the back of the class

cuz your a matt

in front of a door

i can not purge Rage

for he is a wild beast

with strength more than mine.

reach for my hand

i understand

that if you find it

life as you know it,

will kneel before me

broken.

weary.

humble.

drowning.

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this is a monolougue i wrote in college about a little girl and her imaginary friend

John Henry

Amazin Grace.  That was John Henry's favorite song.  It was.  John Henry liked for me to tellim stories, n singim song n stuff like that.  Fact...thats what we was doin that day when we was up in our special climbin tree.  I was tellinim stories n singinim songs..Well, reckon I was singim THAT song, when i looked over to see what John Henry was looking at....AND there was THE biggest, bestest, lightnin storm we had ever seen in our 'ntire lives!! John Henry loved sunsets n lightnin storms n stuff like that.  He said they was gifts sent down specially for us two to look at on account of God's love.  N' God really musta loved us that day, 'cus this was the biggest  most beautifullest lightnin storm we had EVER seen in our tire lives! N' it musta lasted forever too, cus' I don't right ever member it endin...

 

I..just...remember wakin up....in a room

with white walls

in a bed

with white sheets

and there was a window

and a chair

with mama sittin in it lookin at me

Well....I looked around the room...and back at mama,......and....around the room again

and i said..."Mama? Where's John Henry?"

Mama just told me to hush child

but so, then I asked again "Mama...where IS John Henry?"

She hissed "Hush child! N what the hell were you doin up in a tree durin a lightning storm anyways?"

 

But I know John Henry died in that lightnin storm cuz i heard mama talkin to the man in white outside my room, and when he kept askin who this John Henry was that I kept askin for...well, she told him he was a maginary boy I made up cuz I aint got no friends my own! Mama was SO sad, she hadda make John Henry not real, so she wouldn't cry....So then I was mad, cuz I wanted my John Henry....there was still so much we hadda DO!!!...we hadda go get edgecaded like Uncle,....and....and we hadda go still put shit on SarahBeth's front doorstep for makin funna us the other day!!!

So I squinched my eyes, so for no cryin, and...but...then...the darkness came and bit me...

and I woke up

In a white room

with white walls

in a bed

with white sheets

and there was a window

and a chair with mama sittin in it lookin at me

and i looked around the room...and back at mama

"where's John Henry"

her face just looked tired "oh child...Hush"  she said

Amazin Grace...that WAS John Henry's favorite song.  It was.

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I had a dream last night, about a college lit professor I had a million years ago.   We were not so far off in age, and after I finished his class we were still sort of friends for awhile, as we also had mutual friends.  I liked him.  He was the kind of cute I liked, the kind of funny I dug, and he was quirky enough to seem brilliant.  He was one of like 3 people, ever that i asked out on a date.  He had turned me down.  I am not sure if he would have ever said yes, under any circumstance, but I found out later he was dating and ended up marrying another friend of mine.  anyway....it has been a couple of decades since I have spoken to this dude....but he was in my dream last night, i think he was drunk and crying...sort of broken...when I came upon him.  When I saw him, the only thought in my head was that I had once, and still wanted to trick out with him.  I wanted to be a part of his world....even if that meant being with a broken version of him...and at this point he now wanted to be a part of my world too....but only because he was broken....i think I do this....or maybe i am just a magnet for this.....like....broken people love me....bi polar people and recovering drug addicts most especially love me...and so at some point...i think I will need to ask myself...what is it about me that is so attractive to broken people.....or if someone seems *non broken* why does it never occur to me that i should envision them in my world to some capacity....or maybe we are all just broken.....i wonder...if i had been born in the 30s....if life would seem more put together....maybe its a little more than poetic justice that movies and such were so black and white back then.  

every morning, i think i make a conscious effort to *be the change*...i try to put positivity out in to the world.  (its work for me, i am not naturally a positive thinker...but it is worth the effort, i think)...but at night...i dunno....its my favorite time...but it strangles me...or maybe i just notice it more because the noise of the day has subsided...i think, at some point I am supposed to forgive myself for who I was...or that the now me is supposed to be an apology in and of itself...isn't that how it works?  life has become so complicated though...its not black and white anymore...there are so many choices....in so many ways this is just so fuckin wonderful.....but sometimes....i miss the idea of simple...for just a moment, i want to be a character in a book about simple times.  

here is here

She walked, awake

trapped inside her dream

speaking words they could not hear

thundered silence from her scream

what you doin chile

where you goin chile

the stranger whispered in her ear

she looked in to the strangers eyes

and vomited her fear

"when I stand here, he is there

when I stand there he's here

the point at which we cross paths

has some how disappeared."

Whats yer name chile

whats yer game chile

the stranger whispered in her ear

"there's no game

I simply came

because it wasn't *back*

but now I don't know where is here"

look around you chile

I have found you chile

you aint as gone as you've been told

keep a walkin chile

keep a talkin chile

pull yourself up out the cold

she turned her head then back again

the stranger disappeared

she walked on through her waking dream

for more years on top of years

maybe ten, maybe twenty

just how long it isn''t clear

but now and then she remembers

that stranger in her ear

whats ahead and whats behind

really cant cause no more fear

'cause when it comes right down to it

here just simpy is just here

Learning to count

Her eyes widened

when she saw the colors that could be wash clothed on to the skin

can I have one mama?

Oh I want one mama!

Her eyes sparkled and danced and they grinned

One to Thirty, One to Thirty

its the price you have to pay

Just One to Thirty, One to Thirty

if you count...

then we will tattoo away!

One to ten flew by in a breath

eleven came with a squint

two teen then three teen then fourteen then five teen

and so on and so on it went

on the cheeks she had some cherries

a raven went down on her chest

her shoulder a gourd

sometimes even the lord

(he only likes pretty people mama! What? He dont like ugly)

the little tattooed girl was adored.

Today she is nine or will be real soon

she likes snakes and minecraft and yarn

string theory of science, and all things giants

and orcs and elves and dwarves

She is loving and kind

with an opening mind

she is bright as the shining sun

sometimes for me

she is still three

and I simply look

and see

the baby

counting to thirty from one

souls

I can almost see your face
almost hear your voice
remember whats not happened yet
some illusion of a choice
i recognize your laughter
in some distant memory
a trace of you the crafter
of this silent reverie
bittersweet, i wait

Last night I had a dream about this no longer existent Disney Ride (maybe it exists at a different Disney park beyond Anaheim?), and a lunch box that I had when I was about 5 or 6.The lunch box was a scene of the Sesame Street gang..in which Bert was holding on to a lunch box with the same picture as my lunch box...so this means his Bert was holding on to same lunch box and so on.

I remember staring at this lunch box, often..trying to imagine how far out the picture could possibly be duplicated...It bothered me at how infinite this seemed.

Anyway, the over all feeling I got from my dream had a lot to do with the idea that *we* (as in all that we humans, are, know and come in contact with)..are a lot like the ideas represented in the people shrinker ride...or the lunch box....we are the particles that are making up a system...just like there are parts to us..blood cells, organs, arteries, veins....etc....and at some point, there is a skin or a body around *us*...anyway the dream lent itself to the thought..of what are *we/humans* in the organism that which is greater than us....if it just extends out...bigger...but the same..like the lunch box..what would we...humans...represent?

My dream suggested that we were a virus.....like HIV to be exact...that we had the ability to shift and manipulate ourselves, so that we were almost impossible to pin down and eliminate. and, dream me wondered..how long before the (insert word for what doctors and scientists would be called in the next layer out)..would find a cure for us, or at least a way to isolate us and contain us...or how many people (or whatever word would be used for the next layer out)..we would destroy before something could be done about us...i dunno..it was all a little overwhelming. anyway, that ride, when i was a kid...fascinated me..

.I usually don't remember my dreams..and they don't often haunt me on such a profound and seemingly crazy level....i found a video of the ride from back then...and how weird..the ride was sponsored by Monsanto.

in an online community i belong to..someone posted, last year about a date they had...he is getting ready to propose now.  when i read about the date itself i was glad to see that there are strong men that are not ass hats still out there.  id love to be a wild child...doing fwb or just no strings attached type shennanigans....but in the end, its not what my heart would want..and there is always that chance that i could become pregnant...i am raising one kid on my own...protection doesnt always work..and while it is possible for a man to be left as the sole parent...i think women still win in that arena.....so i stay basically celebate.  i dont have a lot of time to date..my dating would take from my being mom time as it could not take from my work time...and i really cant justify it. but thats just me...anyway...i thought this was sort of romantic...

We went to Alamo Drafthouse and saw Kick Ass 2. 
Food, Angry Orchard cider, first run movie and my hands on the girl. 

Then we went to IHOP had a fruit plate and coffee, and engaged in cute innuendo, and eye gazing. 

Then we went back to her place for tea and kisses. The tone of the night can best be summed up with an edited version of the conversation at her house. 

"Judgebot*, I am having such a great time. This is our third date, so...if you want to...." **wicked grin**

"Stop right there. We are not going to have sex tonight. Or on our next date. Or the date after that. Sex always complicates a relationship and adds fire. That's a good thing, as long as the relationship is strong enough to to endure it. But first the relationship need to be grown in strength and character. The first step is for the man to step up and steer the relationship responsibly, and the woman to love him for it."

"I think that just happened!" She laughed. 

"Exactly, so the relationship is ready for this to happen." **pushes her back to the door jam, cups a breast and kisses her deeply**

"The bottom line is, for a long term healthy relationship there are milestones in the maturity of the relationship that signal the safety of an escalating physical exchange."

"Mr. Spock, just shut up and fuck me!" **both laughing now**

"But you don't need to keep score. When the time is right, I will firmly take your hand, lead you to the bed and it will happen."

**deep kiss**

"Then a few minutes later it will happen again, which will be both a higher quality and a longer duration." **now actively trying to sound like Spock** 

**both laugh**

"Dude...that's awesome!" She laughed some more. 

"I am going to protect your heart and strengthen our relationship every day we are together."

So at that point I didn't get to say anything else as she was just kissing me nonstop. But I think I saw the moment that she fell in love. I think I saw i in her eyes. 

Post Game Review

Judgebot brought the following panty wrenches to the table:

• Security - Guy isn't after just one thing
• Safety - Guy denies himself to protect my heart
• Confidence - Guy plainly states what he is after and how he will get it
• Control - By taking control of when we were NOT going to have sex, she got to relax and just dig on me, and her body language communicated the relief immediately...paradoxically making her want to do it more than she did a few minutes ago. It turned from her (a) wanting to "give" me sex to keep my attention into (b) wanting to "have" sex with me. If you never noticed the difference before, notice it now. It's important. ALWAYS when presented option (a) take the time to turn it into option (b).

*she doesn't really call me Judgebot

maybe it was 9th grade when i was turned on to the quick write...just keep writing she said..if you cant think of anything just repeat the last word over and over again again again again, unilt your mind puts words together in your brain and channels them down to the fingers to encourage them to string them together on the paper.  no erase...no rewind, miss spell...just..write...and so i wrote, and mostly said nothing, but sometimes the gears would shift and maybe i had something to say....it always goes back to .,...as i stepped out in to the bright sunlight, from the darkness of the movie theater, i only had two things on my mind...paul newman, and a way home...i am paraphrasing, but i think i got pretty close...some how this one phrase is the standard that has been layed down.  i cant remember a book, since reading the outsiders where the very first sentence made me fall in love with the characters.

i didnt know then that she was oklahoma.  the opening scene to the movie is one of the first streets i had ever lived on, denver.  well, even 11th becsause i was in a motel there for a month or so before i was in a place.  i look around now, my apartment containing *stuff* is a leap from my life out of a suitcase.  suitcase suitcase suitcase, the stream of concious has ocd it seems.  

im tired...im tired...im tired.  i dont some people truly understand the meaning of these two words...its like a soaked to the bone biting winter ache.  heavy head, dull heart.  the silence of the night is noisy...keep the mind occupied until the eyes refuse to remain opened.  some days thats just how it is.

today was quiet.  after zoe left for janes i dont think i said more than 30 words.  i could live as a deaf person. 

i should be watching ray donnavan.  

quick write...complete....el oh el.