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i often think i will start a blog and then i do and then it is abandoned like a gum wrapper a few days later....for brief moments, i think i just might have something important to say...and maybe i do, but day to day life tells me that little of what anyone says is considered important by anyone else but the speaker. I grew up in a life where being silent and listening more than sharing of opinion meant money. being a ghost was a path to invaluable tips and tricks on the carnival. I kept my mouth shut, and my head down. to this day only a handful of people who cross my path find me memorable, it seems....that one girl...what was her name?...she was kind of funny sometimes.
my mind is fragmented...broken.. i remembered the accident today...its all a drop in my bucket, but it reminded me that there was a time...not so very long ago when i could focus on a moment, without being stoned,....i mean..really focus on a moment and examine it, analyse it, figure it out. piece by excrutiating piece....put it all together...the mad scientist trying to break the illusion.
i don't know if it is just because i am older now. or just brain damaged...but i seem to have stopped...trying to figure it all out...trying to piece it together. trying to differentiate between what i am looking at, what i am seeing, and what is actually there....or not there.....i don't think its that i have given up exactly....i just...like have become encumbered by other things. its no longer interesting to me to figure out who lies and who doesnt (we all lie anyway).....its no longer interesting to try and figure out who is meaningful and who deserves judgement (shit....i have...no...room...to...judge)....
depression is a comfortable demon that often plagues me...today, it hits me like a smack in the face from a scorned lover...i will be 40. in months. my 18 year old self would be so bummed at me. i am heartily sorry that i did not do better. i am a better version of me now, in a lot of ways...i apologize to before me, for not getting here in a timely manner...before pissing so much and so many away. there has to be a paralel universe...where something gold can stay...there just has to be.
