LURCH's blog: "Just some stories .."

There was this man who loved gold so much that, everything he owned was yellow or just like gold looking.He had a yellow house,everything in the house was yellow. And even his bed sheets were yellow. His pajamas were to yellow as well. Then one day he came down with Jaundice and got real sick. By the time the ambulance showed up he was dead..The problem was they were having a hard time finding him.. With all the yellow around him.. So the moral of the story is: Don't hide your self in your glory cause you might never be found .. Have a blessed day.

A Friday Funny A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. "The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year." The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well, you started it.

DEER MEAT > > A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. > > Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of > meat > it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. > > The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they > begged their dad for the clue. > > Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'. > > The little girl screams to her brother > > 'Don't eat it, it's an asshole..

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. Weight Loss program.The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. As promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days,the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. As promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine." He lost 63 pounds that week!

A housewife is having an affair during the day, while her husband is at work. She takes her lover to the bedroom, not aware that her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "$250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "Ill tell." Man: "How much?" Boy: "$750." Man: "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

And while they were there, the time came for her baby to be born. (Luke 2:6 NLT) We manage time; we waste time. We spend time, and we save time. We wish the time would come; we wish the time would pass. We see time fly, and we feel time drag. We watch clocks and carry calendars, creating the illusion that we somehow control time, yet all the while moments flow forward like a mighty river that cannot be stopped, harnessed, or re-routed. Yet God controls time. He created time and we, his creations, are fenced by his time, directed and guided by his holy and loving hand. Do you think God was surprised that “while they were there, the time came for her baby to be born?” We're often surprised by unexpected developments in our lives, yet the Bible teaches that God is never surprised, even in the most disastrous turn of events. How would your faith differ if you believed God was not surprised by your current circumstances and that he's working, at this moment, for a holy and healthy conclusion? What does this mean? · God is always on time, at just the right time – George Mueller, the great prayer warrior from the 19th century, once waited on a dock for a special chair to be delivered. He had a bad back and needed the chair for the ocean voyage ahead of him. When the departure time grew close and the chair still had not arrived, Mueller’s friends offered to buy a substitute chair, but Mueller said no – “Either God will provide the chair, or he’ll give grace to do without it.” Like a Hollywood ending, the chair arrived just in time, right on time. Mueller noted, “If the chair had arrived earlier, we might have dismissed the provision of God.” This Christmas, point out the provisions of God when you see them. · What if you were certain God would provide? – How would you act, think, and live differently if you were absolutely certain God was at the end of the deadline? That is, even if there were mere seconds left, you still believed with certainty that God was working through your circumstances? Believing he’s there and about to provide is the essence of faith. Tell God, “I believe; help my unbelief.” · Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. (Hebrews 13:8) – Time cannot diminish Christ’s love for you or his power to work within your life. He is there in the past; he is here in the now; and he is there in your future. · A thousand years are like a few hours to God (Psalm 90:4) – God is working to bring you into eternity, not just to get you through the end of next week. Praise God for his grace and for a love so strong that he wants you to spend an eternity with him.

She jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon came out of the operating room. She said: "How is my little boy? Is he going to be all right? When can I see him?" The surgeon said, "I'm sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn't make it." Sally said, "Why do little children get cancer? Doesn't God care any more? Where were you, God, when my son needed you?" The surgeon asked, "Would you like some time alone with your son? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's transported to the university." Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good-bye to son. She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair. "Would you like a lock of his hair?" the nurse asked. Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy's hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally. The mother said, "It was Jimmy's idea to donate his body to the University for Study. He said it might help somebody else. "I said no at first, but Jimmy said, 'Mom, I won't be using it after I die. Maybe it will help some other little boy spend one more day with his Mom." She went on, "My Jimmy had a heart of gold. Always thinking of someone else. Always wanting to help others if he could." Sally walked out of Children's mercy Hospital for the last time, after spending most of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy's belongings on the seat beside her in the car. The drive home was difficult. It was even harder to enter the empty house. She carried Jimmy's belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son's room. She started placing the model cars and other personal things back in his room exactly where he had always kept them. She laid down across his bed and, hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep. It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Laying beside her on the bed was a folded letter. The letter said: "Dear Mom, I know you're going to miss me; but don't think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just 'cause I'm not around to say I LOVE YOU. I will always love you, Mom, even more with each day. Someday we will see each other again. Until then, if you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, that's okay with me. He can have my room and old stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things us boys do. You'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know. Don't be sad thinking about me. This really is a neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long time to see everything. The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly. And, you know what? Jesus doesn't look like any of his pictures. Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it was Him. Jesus himself took me to see GOD! And guess what, Mom? I got to sit on God's knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That's when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good-bye and everything. But I already knew that wasn't allowed. Well, you know what Mom? God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter. I think Gabriel is the name of the angel who is going to drop this letter off to you. God said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked Him 'Where was He when I needed him?' "God said He was in the same place with me, as when His son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children. Oh, by the way, Mom, no one else can see what I've written except you. To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper. Isn't that cool? I have to give God His pen back now. He needs it to write some more names in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I'm, sure the food will be great. Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don't hurt anymore. The cancer is all gone. I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand to see me hurt so much, either. That's when He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a Special Delivery! How about that? Signed with Love from God, Jesus & Me.

Don't underestimate the older generation I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the crèche when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. He hurried outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant Jesus. So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get your passenger, my fine friend?" The little boy replied, "I got Him at church." "And why did you take Him?" The boy explained, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told Him if He would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give Him a ride around the block in it." MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!

NOW THIS IS A STORY WORTH TELLING. THIS STORY EXEMPLIFIES GUN CONTROL AS IT SHOULD BE. Shooting in Butte, Montana Shotgun preteen vs. illegal alien Home Invaders; Butte Montana November 5th. Two illegal aliens, Ralphel Resindez, 23, and Enrico Garza, 26, probably believed they would easily overpower home-alone 11 year old Patricia Harrington after her father had left their two-story home. It seems these crooks never learned two things: they were in Montana and Patricia had been a clay shooting champion since she was nine. Patricia was in her upstairs room when the two men broke through the front door of the house. She quickly ran to her father's room and grabbed his 12 gauge Mossberg shotgun. Resindez was the first to get up to the second floor only to be the first to catch a near point blank blast of buckshot from the 11-year-old's knee crouch aim. He suffered fatal wounds to his abdomen and genitals. When Garza ran to the foot of the stairs, he took a blast to the left shoulder and staggered out into the street where he bled to death before medical help could arrive. It was found out later that Resindez was armed with a stolen 45 caliber handgun he had taken from another home invasion robbery.That victim, 50-year-old David Burien of Pipestone, was not so lucky. He died from stab wounds to the chest. The sheriff said there were no charges pending against Patrica Harrington. In fact in this area she is looked upon as a role model. This story is from the Butte Montanan. Ever wonder why good stuff never makes NBC, CBS,PBS, MSNBC, CNN, or ABC news.... Now that is Gun Control: My " Thought for the day" Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist" Have a great weekend.