Irreplaceable's blog: "Sighs"

~~Exposed~~

As much as I want to say I'm not hurt, I am.

To have the people you figure would NEVER hurt you,
always end up being the ones who hurt you the most...

I just turn a blind eye to it.

But this last time was a total letdown.

To feel so much disappointment, even over something SO trivial...


It bothers me to find out that I'm not some people's priority,
when they're one of mine.

Don't get me wrong, being single does have it's perks.
Single people can stay out late, sleep with numerous amounts of people, and have no one to answer to. Well, but their own conscious, but you can squash that little annoying voice with tons and tons of booze. Cycle ensues.

We don't get holidays, oh wait.. we have our birthdays. That normally ends up drunken alone, crying.. or sleeping with some asshole who doesn't even know your name. Not that i would know about the latter, of course.

The worst thing about being single, everything. Weddings. How awkward. How many times do you have to explain to someone random stranger that: "No, i'm not a lesbian. I'm just too big of a loser to land myself a man!". People in relationships tend to forget what it was like being single. They forget how it felt to be the third wheel. Or maybe they didn't forget.. they are practicing the perfect revenge. Weddings are the worse. You're expected to pay and pay for your friend's perfect day, while you sit there in agony, hitting the open bar, wondering what is wrong with you - when will it be your turn?

This is who i am. I'm a mess. Rightfully so. I was always wary about being so sure of myself, i over compensated by being too shy.. too nonchalant, too controlling. I'd hide behind anything and question everything. I think that with age, i am finally finding my voice. I hope this feeling sticks.

~~A Truth~~

I hate to be disappointed. Yet, i always get disappointed.
I will never be that girl.
I will always be that girl, behind the building.

I always feel as if i can't express myself well with words.
When someone is down, i count on my humor to cheer them up.
I never have the right words to say, i never have the best advice.

I don't know who i am. I don't understand what I've been through.
I honestly don't think it's a big deal.
It's everything.
In every single relationship i have. It effects me.
I try so hard to hide from it.
It's not always going to hurt as bad as i originally think.
You get through it. What other choice do you have.

I love lyrics. It's the only time my head finds peace.
The words trapped inside finally escape.

The harsh reality of death.
It's the most ridiculous pain you will ever feel.
You feel the World stop in that second. Your heart literally breaks.
In that moment, you reach for something or someone to grasp firmly to.
In that moment, you can't find your voice.
Then as quickly as the World stops moving, it starts up again.
Leaving you in that moment, that second.

I am so frustrated. I am so angry.
At people. At life. At my choices.

The good times make me happy. Make me happy to be who i am.
Without the bad times, i could not know happiness.
Without the struggle, i would not be who i am today.
I would not know the family i know now.

Is this enough?. Is this all there is?.  

It's a game that i refuse to play.

What is with me and all these one liners?
Can't i form my emotions and thoughts into a least a paragraph?
Every time i look back on them, i get annoyed with myself for feeling that way, and delete the post. I don't care. I do what i want.

You make me so angry.
You make me feel alone.
You make me feel ugly.
You make me feel unworthy.


For once i would love to hear you say, "Yes, i understand that i make you feel that way. You're not crazy insecure. If you had treated me, as i treated you, i'd feel the same way. I love you, no matter what you said to me out of anger, you knew it."

Right now, i am even fighting myself over deleting this. I'm not going to delete it right now though. I always felt if i was so open about my feelings, but there are things i can't even admit to myself. Not even in a random internet blog.