Icarus's blog: "Hurts to watch."

Now who wants to fuck in the back of my van?
...
I do not have a van.
Damn it.

Alright
we can salvage this...

uh.

Look, what I'll do for you, is spin this record, and pretend I'm some bad ass pope DJ
and you all can toke on your marehjuuna while I think outloud.

That's not gonna work is it?
*sigh*

Well, my manager invited me to hang out this weekend.
The last time I gave out my number a big gay indian texted me at one in the fucking morning.

Not acceptable.

Not that my boss is gay,
or that stupid
but... I dunno, its not even that I'm trying to keep my world's seperate
I just don't really let any one in.

It's a pretty short and exclusive list round here.

Cuts into all that time being safe and not judged or dissapointing any one.

That, and the more time I spend with these people, the more tempted I become to open up about my little
obvious
problem.

I had every opportunity to give her my lucky pen today.
But I asked for it back.
That's the pen I signed my court docs with
my debt checks
drew some of my favorite scribbles with.
just keep changing out the cartridge

and a part of me really wanted to give that completely otherwise insignificant piece of myself to her.

I guess a part of me hoped she'd know once it was in her hand, just how important it actually was to me.

Something about having a crush I guess... but still having your senses and sentimentality somewhere in check. I guess that's why its still a crush and not an awkward.

Not yet any way, but I gotta say
every day is really starting to hurt.
Just hurts less when I see her smile.

Its not like I have any reason not to feel this way.
How wrong is it to want someone?
And in six months... a year...
what will I say when I stumble on this?
Will I smile and say "I remember her"
"I remember how I felt... distantly"

I'd much rather read it to her.
and receive at least a playful shove.

I should've let her keep it.