Icarus's blog: "Hurts to watch."

You ever just have a great opening line for a poem and then some dipshit calls you to tell you all about the latest installment to a game franchise that no respectable ludologist has liked or respected in 10 years?

yeah. That happened. More on my crazy ass rants later.

---------------------------------

Alright.
I just got (stole) 100th window. I'm pretty sure most of you know Massive Attack from the House theme song.

... and Danny the Dog OST (Unleashed)

I'm kinda into triphop and ambient. So I'm a little surprised and disappointed with myself in not having downloaded and listened sooner.

Today the christian dropped a bombshell. And the moment the christian announced that she was dating the christian eunuch was the very same moment she said she was done with him. And I noticed that she really seemed to want my opinion and approval on what she was doing. Going even so far as to call herself a terrible person.

I know one of two things about that- one she needs my input and perspective more than she knows for a myriad of social needs.
Or she'll fucking marry him because... she has a martyr complex and the second that twat starts crying she'll abandon how she really feels about him to spare his feelings and coddle him.

I've watched her do it before.
Then we went over me... because I always state "its kinda hard for me to comprehend this because my emotional register and rational process is one HUGE step to the side from most".

Blah blah blah psychoanalyzing- that means something, but I'm too busy on another tangent.

Alright

so...

I've been drinking and smoking tonight. Lil off-wired. I didn't get to do what I wanted because someone called me about FFXIII and that franchise is still dead to me. I just wanted to disappear in a fantasy, and drink, and make a delicious dinner. Any sensory distraction, if you please. I can't do that having someone confirm how awful I suspected something is. I'm not smug when people tell me I'm right. I'm annoyed.
Why didn't you listen to me the first time I said it?

I'm self medicating. I start and abandon projects (symptomatic of depression, on oh so many levels). I'm in pain. I still go to work. The character Dr. House is now a voice in my head.

... man that says so much. An imaginary genius diagnostician telling me there's something wrong with me, who incidentally has psychotic breaks, a chronic pain condition and is miserable.

so the psychosis is back?
... probably not. If anything the psychosis was just vivid daydreams induced by boredom like usual.
The audio visual hallucinations are out
the nightmares are minimal
The tremors are out too. Could be the alcohol.

I'm still an amoral disassociative ass.

Is that a problem?

I'm not so convinced it is. I work. I pay my bills. I prepare my meals. I even date.

I feel like I should be sadder.

I feel like I'm missing something, that if I were fully aware chemically I'd probably feel it.

Now its just kinda forcing itself because I know it SHOULD be there. Like a fart that just won't quite go.

I dunno. I'm gonna feed my dog. Have another drink and plan June later.