Tudorose's blog: "It's not Personal...oh wait...it Is"

Dear You Know Who You Are,

Well played. That was a stellar performance. I knew the first time he talked about you moving in. I knew the first time he took you to dinner. I knew when you made no effort to thank me or contact me, as you had stated all you wanted was more friends. I knew when you kept impeding on my time. I knew when you whined for a hug while he was with me. I knew when he blew off my family time and again even though we had plans first. I knew when you sent me that "nice" text after the concert. It was none of your business even to write. I knew when you asked me how we met. I knew when he brought you to dinner. I knew when he ignored me in front of my kids. I knew when he didn't hug me good bye. I knew when he went quiet, and I knew when at 5am I woke up and just wanted nothing more than to go be with him...I knew what I would find. I knew you'd make your move with your kids gone. Don't pretend I'm crazy or lying...
I tried to be a friend, even with knowing what you are. I know you have hardships, I get it. We all do. I get that the husband is a controlling psycho, perhaps he's who you learned from, or maybe it's all a lie... I tried to see some other side, I wanted to be wrong, but as I always knew. This was the real you.

So thank you for proving me right. I know he doesn't see it, cause he always trys to see only the good in people. He has an addiction for saving people. You preyed on it. You won. He falls for takers. Just like he fell for his ex wife. Just like he fell for Cali Girls sob story. He fell for you. There is no type or amount of medicine that can justify your behavior, or make you numb for it.
All I've ever tried to do is spend time with him, and protect him from those who he doesn't even realize are threats. Don't think I don't hold him accountable as well, he will hurt, and he will see his errors. He'll pay, just as he has had to in the past.
If you could only be friends though, you would have stopped it. If your moral code was really as rigid as you made him think... You would have cut him off even in pining. You would have stopped any and all advance and ended any confusion, but you didn't...
If you truly respected that he was with me, you would not have flirted. If you had respected he was with me, you would have explained how his holding out for you, was only making things worse. If you had respected me, like he said you did, none of this would have been an issue. But you didn't, as I knew you wouldn't, and here we are.
You sold him this bs dream and kept flirting. You said all the things that make you look like the nice respectable choice. You said things that kept you unattainable and so more desireable, while looking supportive of me, but you weren't. You manipulated, and I knew you would. He kept trying to figure out why I couldn't let it go... Everything I told him would happen...did. Cause I knew...

I don't have much, but I love deeply, and am fiercely loyal. I stand on my own two feet, because my kids deserve the kind of mother that can show them strength, perserverance, and independence. I stand on my own 2 feet, because I want them to know not to give up, and they can be proud of me. I "lived" for my kids by providing for them in all ways. I myself can be proud to know my children are brillant, kind, capable, independent, and will make amazing adults. I did that! On my own! I've known several women who've by some circumstance or another had to do the same. They have my respect. They earned it. I can guarantee, it's a journey well worth the reward. You should try it.
I hope for your kids' sake you find the strength to turn your life around for them, and make the journey on your own, but I'm not holding my breath.
As for my family, I've always had one rule. Disrespect me, or those that I care for, and we're done. As such, I will spend time only with those worthy to be in our lives.

Best of Luck

The incomparable, Me

To care or not to care. That is the dare.

I dare you all to dig deep
I dare you all to understand
I dare you all to explain
Why do we endure the pain?
To care.

It seldom gives a great reward
Emotions running strong
But helpless.

We care for what purpose?

We fight with those that don't
and hurt those that do
It's a burden most gladly bear
But, such a burden it is to care

In a world that's filled with lust
And people who will act injust
To those that don't know what they want
and those that try to close their hearts
This caring, makes no sense.

We care to dream
We care to share
But right now, I can't bear to care.

It hurts each time I try it
I'm not sure why I buy it
It's like fake cheese
It does not appease
It leaves me weeping on my knees...

So why the hell am I drawn to care?
It's like some masochistic cycle
I reach for 2nds, thirds and more
but no matter how I fight it
I can't walk out the caring door.

The pain like heartburn I yearn to ease
Caring is the greatest tease

But here I sit, I readily admit
Wishing I could just submit
and finally, let the care remit

Alas.
It's still there.
To care.
So unfair.

Michelle Addison © 2018

Erase
Rewind
Take it back
Try to forget
You took a chance
You lost!
You gave a crap
You shouldn't
The other shoe has dropped

You can't rewind
You must persist
Your mind a rage
You tried in vain

This is what comes from trust
Try it if you must,
but never forget the lesson's clear
There is no happily ever after dear

Try as you might it's all a farce
In fact honesty and truth are sparce
I'll leave you to your illusions pet
Sometimes I wish we hadn't met

But now I really must insist
Companionship's not worth the risk
Be strong my dearie and mend once more
become the hermit you were before

Beyond the curtain where the act unfolds
is where you'll keep the pain your heart now holds

You'll smile and laugh with none the wiser
But your heart is now a mizer.

Erase
Rewind
Take it back...

You can't.

Michelle Addison © 2018

I know I'm a "negative nancy". I am harsh, and often in discord with others' points of view. It works for me. I, like all of us, have had my fair share of poor decisions, let downs, and heart breaks. It's hardened me. I've become the doubting Thomas if you will. It's not that I don't believe, it's that no one has shown me something I can believe in again. No one's tied me down with their words or actions, and made me see something...extraordinary. I know it is within us to change, and I would apologize for how I've become, but that would mean I'm doing something wrong....and I'm not.

Give me that shot of reality straight up. Hit me with a hard slap of honesty. I don't have to agree with it, but it excites me. I love it raw and unfiltered. The rush of adrenaline from an honest outburst. It can knock you to your knees...and make every inch of you tingle in anticipation for what comes next.
I want my partner to scale the mountain with me, to show me with actions rather than sweeten me with words. I want to know if I bring someone up this cliff with me, that should I fall...I will not disappear into the mists below... I want to trust deeper than I ever felt capable. I don't want to be told how to be, or molded into someone else's ideals. I want...to be me.

I want my faults and accomplishments to be held reverently, knowing that, that is the only combination to access the vault that is...me.
I love words and how they can be molded to create song and feeling, but I don't want words to lie to me. I don't want promises that can't be kept. I want....raw, uncensored, Reality. I want the harmonics of pain and the sweetness of dissonance. I want to feel...with every fiber of my being and beyond. I want a whisper to startle me as much as a yell. I want pure, unadulterated reality, and reality is...moments.

I don't need to be happy all the time...that cheapens the moments when I am. I live in this equilibrium of numbness, until the scales tip but for a moment to one spectrum or the other.

There is nothing wrong with just being ok, knowing that pain happens, and the world isn't fair. Knowing that there are unforgettable moments of joy, and small ones that are but a passing smile. There is beauty in a solitary tear, and there is strength in a quiet melancholy. Even in the most joyous outcries...there is some measure of pain, for how could they know what true joy is without it?

So rather than chastise me for my outlook, try to understand. If you can... Know that our paths are our own. Walk it with diligence. Take in every pain, every smile, every laugh... and protect it, for there is no light without darkness, and there is no love without pain. A shining example of this is of course a mother's labor of love to endure the pain of child birth.

It may seem I am negative, but I'm real... or perhaps...I simply haven't found my antithesis.

When I do....look out mountain, your ass is mine! And it will be...Extraordinary

~Tudorose~