Tudorose's blog: "It's not Personal...oh wait...it Is"

I know I'm a "negative nancy". I am harsh, and often in discord with others' points of view. It works for me. I, like all of us, have had my fair share of poor decisions, let downs, and heart breaks. It's hardened me. I've become the doubting Thomas if you will. It's not that I don't believe, it's that no one has shown me something I can believe in again. No one's tied me down with their words or actions, and made me see something...extraordinary. I know it is within us to change, and I would apologize for how I've become, but that would mean I'm doing something wrong....and I'm not.

Give me that shot of reality straight up. Hit me with a hard slap of honesty. I don't have to agree with it, but it excites me. I love it raw and unfiltered. The rush of adrenaline from an honest outburst. It can knock you to your knees...and make every inch of you tingle in anticipation for what comes next.
I want my partner to scale the mountain with me, to show me with actions rather than sweeten me with words. I want to know if I bring someone up this cliff with me, that should I fall...I will not disappear into the mists below... I want to trust deeper than I ever felt capable. I don't want to be told how to be, or molded into someone else's ideals. I want...to be me.

I want my faults and accomplishments to be held reverently, knowing that, that is the only combination to access the vault that is...me.
I love words and how they can be molded to create song and feeling, but I don't want words to lie to me. I don't want promises that can't be kept. I want....raw, uncensored, Reality. I want the harmonics of pain and the sweetness of dissonance. I want to feel...with every fiber of my being and beyond. I want a whisper to startle me as much as a yell. I want pure, unadulterated reality, and reality is...moments.

I don't need to be happy all the time...that cheapens the moments when I am. I live in this equilibrium of numbness, until the scales tip but for a moment to one spectrum or the other.

There is nothing wrong with just being ok, knowing that pain happens, and the world isn't fair. Knowing that there are unforgettable moments of joy, and small ones that are but a passing smile. There is beauty in a solitary tear, and there is strength in a quiet melancholy. Even in the most joyous outcries...there is some measure of pain, for how could they know what true joy is without it?

So rather than chastise me for my outlook, try to understand. If you can... Know that our paths are our own. Walk it with diligence. Take in every pain, every smile, every laugh... and protect it, for there is no light without darkness, and there is no love without pain. A shining example of this is of course a mother's labor of love to endure the pain of child birth.

It may seem I am negative, but I'm real... or perhaps...I simply haven't found my antithesis.

When I do....look out mountain, your ass is mine! And it will be...Extraordinary

~Tudorose~